- PSTD, Recovery, and Past Traumas31 d
As Spring has begun, I’ve forced myself to leave my dwelling - it’s very easy to slip into avoidance and become a hermit instead of recovering and becoming a ”part” of the human race.
Any trauma creates a host of issues for all survivors and regardless of the trauma. For those who have past traumas that were never addressed, PSTD can develop to a point where it becomes unmanageable. For me, my past traumas were never acknowledged, much less addressed. So, I’ve been living in a state of post traumatic stress for the better part of my life. Add a ”new” trauma on top of past issues, an ... read more
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and my past issues
- Acceptance, Healing, and Recovery69 d
After the exspath left our marital home, I fell into a vortex of fear, panic, anxiety, and desperation that I had previously never even imagined to exist. At that time, I was unemployed and extremely sick from the auto-immune disorder that had laid me low, years before.
I was left with no income, no access to joint accounts, no computer to check said accounts, a mortgage that was being ”accelerated” into foreclosure, a car loan and utilities that were all in arrears of no less than 3 months, and change in a glass jar. The financial arrears were a complete surprise - I had no idea th ... read more
- Acceptance leads to personal healing and recovery
- Now That It's Over3 mon
So, the divorce ”trial” could have been avoided, months and months ago. What should have been my opportunity to present the evidence of forgery, coercion, and a clearly falsified marriage dwindled down to hours of negotiation. Because the State where the divorce was filed holds ”No Fault,” there exists no legal remedies for what was stolen from me. My divorce is done, I am grateful that I am free of the disease, and there’s no need to go into the details of the settlement. Suffice it to say that I will never recover what was taken from me during my lifetime. And, so it goes.
Having ... read more
- Amend or Repeal "No Fault" Divorce
- Boundaries Across The Board4 mon
As I’m moving forward (generally speaking) in my recovery from my sociopathic experiences, I’m beginning to recognize how my childhood experiences formed extensive core-issues that impacted every choice and decision that I ever made. Most of my choices and decisions were "fear-based" upon a strong "shame-core." This latter term can be searched on the internet and speaks directly to a system of beliefs that a child (or, adult victim) is ingrained with because of various experiences that have caused them to feel that they are, somehow, responsible for other pe ... read more
- Core-issues and boundaries are vital to maintain
- When Dreams Speak4 mon
It’s been almost 16 months since I discovered the double-life of the exspath, over 14 months since he directly spoke to me to demand money, and about 13 months since I learned the extent of his betrayals as per the truths about what happened to my personal investments and finances.
During this stretch of time, I have been plagued by disturbing, frightening, and terrifying dreams on a regular basis. Most of the symbolism in these dreams related to the emotional and financial damages that I suffered, and my lack of control. Other symbolism was directly related to my lack ... read more
- Dreams speak volumes
- "All About Me"4 mon
Happy New Year, and may this year be one of recovery for everyone in mind, and in body.
With the New Year (and, the past couple of months), my recovery from my experiences with a sociopathic spouse has eased from ”All About What HE Did” into ”All About Me.” AAM (all about me) is not to be interpreted as a ”selfish” approach. Quite the contrary, AAM is a hard and pragmatic assessment of who I am, my core issues, and my system of beliefs - all of these things allowed for a predator to exploit even my greatest strengths and warp them into vulnerabilities. So, it’s a self-examination of ... read more
- Healing and recovery through self-examination
- Expectations and Sociopathy5 mon
For the past year, I’ve been writing this blog anonymously for legal reasons. At this point, I no longer care whether or not the exspath worm knows that I’m writing of my experiences and recovery. He’s a lost cause and is a predatory human being, and may he reap what he has sown, ten times over.
The heading of this entry has to do with my past ”expectations” of the Holiday Season and the truths about how those expectations were used to create harm.
The first exspath was an extraordinarily abusive and violent man. Any ”special occasion” was used as a tool of manipulation and/or coe ... read more
- Important events and holidays are perfect times for abusers to harm
- Denial and Cog/Diss5 mon
As I look back on the relationship with the worm, I am identifying clear and precise "Red Flags" that I ignored, excused, and pretended not to have existed. I traded "tolerance" for "truth-seeking" and avoided facing difficult choices. Like....for instance, calling OFF the marriage and severing the relationship.
The worm was aware of my previous abusive marriage, the dynamics, and my personal sexua| issues before we began living together. After we had been living together for a couple of months, I discovered very strange photogr ... read more
- My system of beliefs was flawed
- Recovering5 mon
I haven’t posted an entry for a few months, and it’s been a terrible ride from bad-to-worse. But, what has occured is forward momentum in my recovery from my marriage to a sociopath.
Since the last entry, I made a horrific discovery that the colleague that I trusted and paid rent to was living with a full-blown sociopath, himself. Without any ceremony, I was given a notice of eviction and faced entering into a homeless shelter. My options were limited and none of them were ”good.” I moved, again, to a property that I owned in another State that is simply a roof and walls. The furna ... read more
- Moving down my personal Healing Path
- Coming To Terms10 mon
So, it’s been nearly 8 months since the worm left, for good. During that time, I’ve experienced a series of emotional experiences that defies description. From resolve to utter despair, I’ve gone through the whole lot, and I still continue to sort this all out, even as I move further and further away from the lie and betrayal.
To speak to others about what I experienced became an exercise in futility. People would ask, I would respond, and they would stare at me as if I had invented the whole series of betrayals. The people that truly "got it" about the ... read more
- Learning Truths
- Roller Coaster11 mon
It’s been months since my initial discovery, nearly a year since my suspicions were aroused, and I am still riding that emotional roller coaster. Some days seem like triumphs, and other days are frought with hopelessness and despair. And, I’m quite sick of it all.
I don’t know how things will end, but I know that they will end and I can begin piecing my life back together. At my age, and managing my medical conditions, the rest of my life is going to be a constant challenge. And, I didn’t particularly like this aspect - I had the "rest of my life" sor ... read more
- Just another day?11 mon
It’s been quite a while since I’ve blogged about my experiences. Perhaps, it’s better since I had nothing positive to post about. I had been in a dark, desperate pit of despair, and that’s not what I really want to throw out there. Although that part of the emergence and healing process is inevitable, it’s not helpful to me or anyone else to speak of the depths of despair that I was feeling. Yeah, it’s a definite challenge to pull one’s self out of that stinking pit, but the details of my emotional state really don’t matter.
What I do want to convey is that I&nbs ... read more
- Rejoicing in healing
- Self Value12 mon
After a long while, I’ve done my own self-devaluation.
As it stands, I am virtually homeless, no transportation, very minimal income, and no relief in sight.
What has happened, now, is that I feel worthless. I feel hopeless. I feel that I have no really good reason to even exist, and this is the worst part of the whole challenge of overcoming with betrayal. I am having a very difficult time and I don’t want to discuss the situation with anyone because it becomes tiresome for them as well as for me.
People actually respond with, "I know ho ... read more
- self doubt, self deprecation, domestic abuse, financial abuse, sexua| abuse, divorce, betrayal, sociopathy, malignant narcissism, abuse survival, spirituality
- Predators and The Law14 mon
After meeting with my divorce attorney and months of counseling therapy, everything from documented evidence to behaviors and choices clearly demonstates that the worm set me up for my money, only. The worm has never "loved" me on any level and only "loved" my money until it was gone.
Here are the facts: the worm hid his deviant sexua| interests before we were married, during our marriage, and engaged in expensive activities that involved individual and group BDSM sex; the worm forged my signature on checks from my individual account that totaled ov ... read more
- Explaining Backsliding14 mon
In my last entry, I described another meltdown. This developed over a few days’ time and it had to do with meeting someone who asked really accusatory questions and I began to feel responsible for the betrayals that the worm perpetrated, again . I realize that people tend to do this when they just don’t "get it" about sociopaths. How can an intelligent, rational, and educated person allow themselves to be taken by someone else on so many levels? Didn’t I have concerns? Why didn’t I know what he was doing all of this time? How could I&nb ... read more
- A predictable reaction
- Backsliding and Despair14 mon
I don’t know how I’m going to meet these challenges, but I have to do it or lose my mind.
At this point in my healing and recovery process, I’ve allowed myself to fall back into a space of grieving, again. It’s almost intolerable because I feel that I really need some closure to put this to rest and really move on. I’m not grieving over the person that I loved. I am grieving for myself, now. I’m looking at where I should be at this point in my life, and what should have been. For all that I lost in this relationship, from trust to security, I am grievin ... read more
- I am Emerging14 mon
For those who have experienced a betrayal by a friend, spouse, coworker, or family member, I wish to offer this glimmer of hope: I am emerging, finally, after nearly 6 months of a whirlwind of emotional, financial, and physical hardship. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
When I first discovered that my soon-to-be-ex had been living a thoroughly deviant double life, I felt as if my world (and, my life) had simply collapsed. Everything that I thought that I knew turned out to be untrue and wholly fabricated by the ex. I had to call into question my trust, ... read more
- Getting there
- Disturbing dreams & nightmares14 mon
I have to wonder if the dreams and nightmares I’ve been having of late are prophetic or just my psyche’s attempt to process everything.
The dreams have been frightening and disturbing with one particular dream being so "real" that it woke me up. The specific dream that I’m talking about took place at the beach. First, there was a huge dune that had been eroded over a long period of time. The runoff gullies were pronounced and very visible, but it was also apparent that the dune had been enormous at one point.
Then, how dreams tend to do, the dune was ... read more
- What does this mean?
- The "Reveal"14 mon
Passing through the "grief phase" is pretty cathartic, I must say. Making space for the anger to surface may seem counterproductive, but anger is a part of healing and it can be a huge motivator.
I became "motivated" shortly after he left - I wanted to know what had happened to my financial resources that had simply vanished. The Universe puts things into balance, I believe, and certain people enter our lives for whatever reason. I was fortunate enough to place a call to the financial institution that might have had records for my finances. Wh ... read more
- It's about accountability
- Change the Focus15 mon
As stupid as it sounds, I have actually had moments of second-guessing myself: was I too harsh; did I jump to conclusions; was it really that bad; and so forth. I believe that this reaction is "normal" in healing. I have to answer these questions, myself.
"Was I too harsh?" I think not. I trusted my spouse to a fault, and he kept a part of his life hidden (deliberately so) even before we met one another. Additionally, he hid his financial activities so well that I had no idea that I was being robbed. No, I was not ... read more
- Second thoughts? REALLY????
- Betrayal and Anger15 mon
I’m angry, now. I mean that I am truly angry. I believe that I’m turning the anger towards myself: I’m angry that I didn’t "see" the fraud from the beginning; I’m angry that the worm stole (literally) inheritance that my parent worked hard to gift to my sibling and me; I’m angry that I didn’t "see" the warning signs of the worm’s perversions; I’m angry that I’ve lost SO much time with the worm; I’m angry that I’ve lost my home and am relegated to living with people in a tight situation; I’m angry that I have no income and that I should be ab ... read more
- Anger and fear
- Happy Valentine's Day! OR "SAD" - Singles Awareness Day15 mon
Today is no different from the past 6 Valentine’s Days, except that I’m legally separated from the worm. There were no gifts, no endearments, no romance, and no affirmation of honest, unconditional love.
What I’ve learned from this experience is that sociopathy has many, many faces. The worm presented the most mild-mannered and trusting facade imaginable - even today, people are still reluctant to believe that he is a sexua| deviant and deliberate financial USER. And, I don’t feel the need to convince them otherwise, either.
People are going to believe what is easie ... read more
- All Okay
- Blame? No, thank you15 mon
One of the worst things that people do when a relationship ends unhappily is to blame themselves for some failure: not enough sex; not enough money; not enough communication; not enough tolerance; etc.
In the State that I live in (as with most States), there is no-fault divorce. What this means is that nobody is held accountable for the breakdown of a marriage and all parties must split any assets/finances, equitably. In my mind, "no-fault" is bogus and was intended to protect both parties, regardless of either party’s transgressions.
In my cas ... read more
- Don't accept blame
- Implications & Ramifications15 mon
In looking back over my personal history, I can clearly see how I got to the point where I am, today. Through counseling, I’ve been able to identify a number of factors that have caused me to feel unworthy, unloveable, and unimportant. These are things that I can either stare down, or allow to continue festering.
I don’t think about the sociopathic soon-to-be-ex, much, anymore. What I do wonder is if he, at any time, even comprehends what his actions and choices have done to me, as well as himself.
I’m not talking about his sexua| preferences. Alth ... read more
- All about money
- Grieving and Facts16 mon
Sure, I could look back and "see" symptoms of looming betrayal....but, only in hindsight. One of the best indications, had I been more confident and self-assured, was my spouse’s constant reference to my first ex-husband, "I’m NOT your EX!" Essentially, because there was an absence of recognizable abuse, his rationale was that the abuse did not exist. Well, it sure did.
Financial betrayal is one of the most common and ruinous betrayals, of all. Oh, yeah - finding out that a significant other is having an affair is devastating, to be sure!  ... read more
- Being sad and moving on
- Discovery16 mon
So, what does a person do when they discover something about their spouse of nearly 13 years that is so repellant that it defies explanation? And, what if this "discovery" is basically without warning and calls into question the very nature of the marriage, the courtship, and the motives behind the spouse’s every action? What do we do to sort out such a mess?
My situation began long ago and personal history is boring to read and, although quite relevent to the situation, tedious and typical of everyone else out there. I was raised in a dysfunctional environme ... read more
- Refusing to accept "blame" for the destruction of a marriage.
Add Blog To Your Favorites!Another journey from the pits of despair into the light of Life and living more...
Last Activity: 31 d ago
26 Messages Last message 31 d ago
11 Comments Last comment 69 d ago
viewed 15,864 times
Created: 16 mon Jan 29 2012
Comments (10 of 11):
Re: Acceptance, He… Soulf… 69 d
Re: Boundaries Acr… kermi… 4 mon
Re: "All About Me" Milla7… 4 mon
Re: Expectations a… Soulf… 5 mon
Re: Expectations a… ychi 5 mon
Re: Recovering kristina m… 5 mon
I have nightmares … 36146… 9 mon
Re: Backsliding an… refre… 14 mon
Re: Happy Valentin… Soulf… 15 mon
Re: Happy Valentin… piabo… 15 mon
All Comments (11)
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