Since June 22
Date: 7/10/2010 10:19:03 AM ( 4 y ) ... viewed 1928 times
Wow - I've been raw vegan since June 22. It's almost effortless. That first day was quite a challenge. It was also the day I spoke my eldest stepson for the first time in a little over two years. I hugged him, told him I loved him and apologized for him seeing me drunk that one night. I told him that if he ever, ever, ever needed anything he could come to me. I would re-arrange my life for him. I would rearrange but - with job and home being preserved of course. If I'm not afloat - then how can I help. Let's get real.
So, since then I've lost 6 pounds. I bought a pair of really nice jeans for $10.00 - size 8. I haven't been a size 8 since I started my full-time desk job in Sept. 09. Yikes. They're nice and I really like them. It's realistic to get back to my regular size.
I cancelled my membership to Netflix. I am spending time watching movies when I fall asleep and it just isn't healthy. They comfort me and make me feel safe. How opposite of the truth that statement is. It is because of them that I am robbing myself of commitment to my studies, of a clear mind as I go to sleep. It is mis-placed trust. Well - raised in front of a TV. Some people talk to their parents, some people have friends or siblings - I have movies. No more. Now I will have my inventory (again) and my studies. The human relationships will come. I now need to step fully into the next world of existence.
I tried with Buddhism and I just would not, could not transition. I've been away from Buddhism for 9 months now and the teachings over 15 years seem to be seeping into my conscious abilities. Thank goodness.
So, it rained last night and the entire town exhaled. We're not used to high-90 temps. and the masses were getting cranky. The humidity was 95% most of the week.
Washed my van yesterday again and vacuumed it out. I am emotionally available for more of my life. I would refuse to do that task because it just brought up too much. Our kids ate burgers the night we picked it up from the dealer, we went on our honeymoon in that van, the kids went to school every day in it, we went to the ocean year after year in that van, the last time we went to the drive-in before Trace died - we did so in that van. We went to my son's funeral in that van, we picked up our Siamese girls when we bought them in that van. When we broke up, I drove to Vegas in it and I drove back. Now I'm training to change occupations in that van. That van holds more living memories than any other article I have. That van has been faithful, reliable, strong. It's a Toyota. It's got a few quirks now - the door handle on the hatch door doesn't work, the hood has a quarter-size rust spot, the rug has coffee stains on it, at 40 mph it wobbles just a little as I accelerate. I love that van. So, I wash it, I wax it, I vacuum it. It feels good to get to happiness and away from grief.
My food has been awesome. Tofu and dates for breakfast. Salad for lunch. Raw peanut butter for the cravings.
So, now back to work and on with it.
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