At the end of the day, all I need is love.
A brief synopsis of my life.
Date: 7/16/2011 5:07:51 PM ( 22 mon ) ... viewed 1702 times
I'm not talking about love from a romantic partner, although that could help. I'm talking about universal, planetary love. Some understanding, some compassion.
I wasn't raised to be tough, but life made me that way. I was so lonely when I was a kid, there weren't any little girls to play with, and the boys stopped playing with me after I was five.
As a result I was shy, and very sensitive. I wasn't a fat kid, but when a classmate called me fat it made me very upset and that encouraged other kids to do so, for years
After that I developed all kinds of eating disorders and trust issues with people. Then I really gained weight, and was 180 pounds at 15 years old.
Then I changed schools to make a new start and picked up smoking because some girls were doing it, and I wanted to fit in. I thought it would make me seem tougher.
Despite all that I was a pretty girl. That caused some jealousy in high school and I was always being threatened by older girls, and ostracized by others.
I started drinking at 16 and experimented with LSD. This helped with my shyness and helped me socialize. It continued for years.
Because I still had trust issues I abandoned friends as quickly as I could make them. I think my socialization process when I was younger affected the way I interacted with people and I could never get close to anyone.
In my early twenties I started smoking a lot of marijuana, and this really gave me the courage to be able to socialize and think freely. I was high for several years straight.
I could never keep a job, and was always changing careers. I never stopped smoking weed and continued to drink in private, conjuring up a happy world for myself based on illusion.
In my mid twenties something within me snapped, and as a result of my psychosis booking a one-way flight to Europe with no money seemed like a rational idea.
And that's where the real adventure began.
I continued to smoke a lot of pot and drink beer but couldn't afford it any longer. The economy where I lived was difficult and I was forced to think on my feet and be sober.
For the next 6 years I jumped from one job to the next and experienced a lot of hardship and pain. As a result I punished my body for some reason, allowed myself to starve and abused myself with alcohol and cigarettes. I was alone, and used to the suffering I think.
Throughout all these years tI had a though, lot of great times, travelled a fair bit and met a lot of friends. The highs did equal the lows.
I also made some real friends where I was, and this was a gift. I felt secure that they wouldn't leave me if I wasn't perfect. I opened up to some of them and told them about my childhood, the eating disorders, the drinking, the drugs.
Things took a terrible turn economically and I made the decision to return to the place of my birth. It was a good one.
I no longer have eating disorders or problems with alcohol as I no longer find those things attractive. I wish to have the same outcome for cigarettes, the last bad habit I have.
With all the suffering I had I think I developed an inner understanding of life and learning to trust in life. I also learned to find the balance by equating both positive and negative aspects to any situation. With my new-found ideologies I can now say I lead a relatively happy 'normal' life that is full of the ups and downs. It's perfect and I don't fight it.
The most important aspect of reintegration into my home city is the friends I've reconnected with and the new ones I made. Everyone's seen that I've changed, and that I'm more mature.
I think I can see love everywhere. The more I fast the greater connected I become to this energy.
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