Betrayal and Anger
Anger and fear
Date: 2/18/2012 7:23:46 AM ( 15 mon ) ... viewed 369 times
I'm angry, now. I mean that I am truly angry. I believe that I'm turning the anger towards myself: I'm angry that I didn't "see" the fraud from the beginning; I'm angry that the worm stole (literally) inheritance that my parent worked hard to gift to my sibling and me; I'm angry that I didn't "see" the warning signs of the worm's perversions; I'm angry that I've lost SO much time with the worm; I'm angry that I've lost my home and am relegated to living with people in a tight situation; I'm angry that I have no income and that I should be able to provide for myself (REGARDLESS of any physical limitations); I am simply angry.
Perhaps, I should be turning that anger towards the perpetrator of the fraud. The worm is responsible for his own actions - every one of them! From hiding his sexua| interests that were present (in his own words) LONG before we ever even met, down to his deliberate, conniving raiding of my private financial resources. HE is the perpetrator of so many betrayals, and he is deserving of my anger rather than me turning it upon myself.
Sometimes, anger can be the healthiest thing, but I am allowing myself to actually feel guilty for feeling anger! What the hell is THAT all about???? I didn't do anything to deserve what the worm did. I did not create what the worm is. And, I must have some greater function than to be a cash cow or cloak of respectability for a deviant. THIS is what I need to focus upon. I need to focus upon being angry at the deserving party and finding my own sense of worth and purpose.
Right now, this is is a daunting task for me. I'm angry and also quite fearful. I have not one sustainable employment prospect (and, at my age, this will be difficult, at best) and I will require constant medical expenses for the rest of my life. How the heck am I going to swing THAT since everything that I ever had is now gone? Dammit, I'm angry. And, dammit, I'm scared.
I would just like to say, "Harumph," at this point. I really have to stop beating myself up about what someone else chose to do with deliberation and malice.
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