Date: 6/19/2012 6:32:32 AM ( 11 mon ) ... viewed 549 times
It's been months since my initial discovery, nearly a year since my suspicions were aroused, and I am still riding that emotional roller coaster. Some days seem like triumphs, and other days are frought with hopelessness and despair. And, I'm quite sick of it all.
I don't know how things will end, but I know that they will end and I can begin piecing my life back together. At my age, and managing my medical conditions, the rest of my life is going to be a constant challenge. And, I didn't particularly like this aspect - I had the "rest of my life" sorted out, and the collapse of what I believed to be a healthy, loving relationshit has thrown my life into a virtual blender.
I'm particularly tired of the emotional swings. They are taxing and confusing. I keep reminding myself that people in Haiti or Japan have experienced FAR worse devastation that I have, and they are still trying to sort it all out.
The one positive thing that has resulted from this mess is that I understand boundaries, far better. I understand that there are people out there who are interested only in what they can get from their fellow human beings, by hook or crook. I have come to learn that strong, high, and solid boundaries must be constructed, or I'll be targeted, again, and experience devastation, again.
I'm also mandated to teach myself how to care about myself. I mean really care. I've spent a lifetime putting myself on the back burner, or off the stove, entirely. In order for me to survive, recover, and emerge from this host of betrayals, I have to learn how to give a damn about myself. I have to learn how to love myself. And, I think that I've always attached narcissism to self-love, and it's just not so. We can "love" ourselves without being overly selfish or self-indulgent. But, how I can sort that out, only time will tell.
I don't like this emotional roller coaster, one bit. But, I guess I'm stuck on this ride for a while, so I need to learn better ways to manage it.
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