Coming To Terms
Date: 7/1/2012 6:53:03 AM ( 10 mon ) ... viewed 911 times
So, it's been nearly 8 months since the worm left, for good. During that time, I've experienced a series of emotional experiences that defies description. From resolve to utter despair, I've gone through the whole lot, and I still continue to sort this all out, even as I move further and further away from the lie and betrayal.
To speak to others about what I experienced became an exercise in futility. People would ask, I would respond, and they would stare at me as if I had invented the whole series of betrayals. The people that truly "got it" about the sociopathic behaviors of the worm were reaching back into their own Life's Experiences and recognizing that the truth was far stranger than fiction could ever be. Those that didn't "get it" were either disinterested in the first place, or they were of the view that "everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt." Still others found the facts of my situation to be like a drug - it was so traumatic and horrific that it became soothing to them because their own lives were nearly just as shallow.
I have learned a great deal about myself during these past months. I've learned that I can value myself and set up boundaries without feeling "guilty" for disallowing others into my camp, so to speak. I have learned that is it not selfish to keep all people at arm's length until they've earned my trust. As for the "benefit of the doubt," that's become my anti-mantra: I do not offer this to anyone for the simple reason that I don't have to.
The sociopathic worm is a predator, plain and simple. He often declared that he was a "patient man." Indeed, his patience is phenomenal when I consider it. He recognized my vulnerabilities and frailties, saw my strengths, and siezed on everything that he was able to in order to perpetrate a long-con. "I would never do that to you," is something that he fervently maintained. True - he never did the things to me that the first husband did, but he committed far worse under the guises of "love" and "concern."
When a person makes an open declaration of what a "good person" they are and makes claims about what they "won't do," it's reason enough to run in the other direction. This person could be a mother, father, sister, brother, coworker, friend, lover, or spouse. What this declaration is intended to do is to force trust. It is insidious, and relentless.
The ramifications of this whole experience have been far-reaching. Some have turned out to be "positive" in that I have completely changed my views on human nature to include the fact that many, many people are simply predatory. This is a sad fact. But, some of these ramifications have resulted in very unpleasant changes for me. I do not trust, anymore. I cannot trust and I will not trust. "Trust issues," is what it's generally termed as, and I will manage this for the rest of my life.
I've also learned that money is the root of evil. People covet it. Those who covet money do so on a pathological level. They want it, and they intend to take it, by any means. Whether it's setting up a long-con or outright theft, many people will do whatever they can to take what they think they deserve. The worm set me up strictly for money. The "love" that I had believed to exist was a carefully constructed illusion, and I believed that illusion to be true until I made the discovery that shattered that illusion in the blink of an eye. One minute, I believed myself to be living in a safe relationship. The next minute (literally), I had physical evidence that the person that I had loved was not what he presented himself to be.
Coming to terms with the facts about sociopathy has been a grueling ordeal. It has been very painful and humiliating, on every level. But, I am grateful to have learned these lessons, even if they have dashed my previous beliefs about human nature. There are simply bad people out there. The "bad people" have no capacity for empathy or unconditional love. The "bad people" do not have a sense of remorse, whatsoever. They are intent upon taking, using, and destroying whether it's for money or for the attributes and qualities that their victims have that the bad people will never have, themselves.
This is going to come to some closure, soon enough. When that time comes, I will finally be able to slam the door on the worm and begin gathering up the broken pieces of my life and putting them back together. Some of those peices were damaged so badly that they'll need to be replaced, while still others will never be found, again. But, though my world was torn apart, I'm still here and I am valuable. I am unique in this Universe and I am beginning to develop some self-esteem, finally. I'm going to be okay, and I will never be associated with the worm for the rest of my life.
This is a very good thing - to walk away from this carnage and pass the mop and bucket to the worm for him to clean up his own Life's Mess. Adios, foolish thing! May you reap what you've sown ten times over.
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