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Blog: Journey back from depression
by woodlawn

30 blog entries; 17 entries per page; 1 pages; viewed 88,118 times
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Date:   10/31/2005 7:47:40 AM   ( 9 y ) ... viewed 1382 times

oh my god, i am in waaaay over my head. my grandparents are doing ok (in terms of life and death), but both of them really need a lot more help than they are willing to accept. it is a total nightmare. i thought i'd be able to help, but the type of help they need is actually out of my reach to offer. the idea was for me to help them as they got back to their regular life, but the truth is, they were already stretched too thin before. now they are trying to return to a life that wasn't quite working previously, but definintely is out of reach now. it is, understandably, extremely difficult for them to accept this. and my grandmother is totally taking it out on me.

my anxiety is getting totally out of control. i called my mother hysterical last night, and she told me to take half a xanax, which i did. it had virtually no effect (which is unheard of for me--i am super sensitive to that class of drugs), so i'm a little worried about my well-being. my dad wants me to leave. i'm trying to get through until wednesday, at least, because then i won't have any more work, and i may be of more use.

my grandfather is actually doing a lot better than i anticipated. mentally. he forgets some things, but he certainly remembers me, and is perfectly capable of going about his daily routine, and of making pertinent observations and reacting to them. i didn't really sleep last night, and i got up when i heard him get up very early this morning. he asked me if i'd slept enough, and i said that i had. he kind of gave me a funny look then, and said "now, i do believe you're fibbing to me on that." which i thought was pretty funny (and certainly true!) i really love my grandfather so much. today he was telling me stories about flying planes during and after the war, which was awesome. hopefully he'll do more of that. my grandmother started screeching at me and interrupted us, and then he kind of lost his train of thought.

however, physically, he's in pretty bad shape. they live in a pretty big house on a big property, and he (having grown up on a farm) is used to working on the grounds every day. he just can't do that anymore, but he does still putter around and find things to do. but yesterday his "good knee" went out, and he really cannot walk without a lot of pain. so now they are both bumping around in walkers.

my grandmother, on the other hand, is getting stronger fast, physically, but just seems to get meaner and meaner with every inch of progress she makes. i know it's not directed at me, but it's hard to take.

i finally escaped out to a coffee shop, though, and now i'm feeling a lot better, just getting out of the house seems to have helped a lot. i think i'm going to get a sandwich and coffee and stay a while. my mom just called and told me that she just talked to my grandmother, who went on and on about how helpful i was, so i guess it's good to know she feels that way, even if she doesn't act like it.

i feel selfish though, becuase i just keep thinking about how much i love their house, and how i want them to keep it, even though it just doesn't seem practical for them to do that. i just get so sad wandering around, though, when i think they might need to sell it. the grounds are so lovely, and they have so many memories for me. i was pushing my grandmother around the property in a wheelchair yesterday, just so she could get a bit of air (she walks ok, but not for long distances yet) and i had memories of her doing the same with me and my brother (except we were in a wheelbarrow) when we were really little. even though they were kind of crotchety with us, it was pretty magical to visit them when we were small. we grew up so poor, and then they lived in this beautiful house with columns and a pond and horses, and spanish moss draped from these huge old trees, and i just felt like a princess when we'd come and visit them. and, though i didn't appreciate it then, there were always fresh vegetables from my grandfather's gardens, and my grandmother had generations of southern cooking behind her in the kitchen. now the gardens are all empty (except for those darn lima beans,which are still everywhere, and which i unfortunately hate to this day) and, with the leaves falling, things just look kind of run down. it is so sad. but change is the way of life, and i know i just have to work on accepting that.

i am glad i came, though, and hopefully things will improve once i have less work. my mother suggested that i make use of a meditation tape that she had left there, and perhaps i will take her up on that. i tend to do better in guided yoga/meditation when i am in bad shape emotionally. i enjoy individual practice when i'm stronger, but it's hard to guide myself when i'm such a wreck.

well, i hope that, in the next eleven days, i can help get them into better shape overall. then m. and i are going to come back for thanksgiving weekend (my mom will be here then, taking over primary caretaker duties), so at least he'll get to meet them and have a little taste of my old memories. after that, i think i'll be able to make my peace with everything that happens afterwards.

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