I disgust myself
Date: 10/24/2005 9:10:37 PM ( 8 y ) ... viewed 1272 times
Yea, I know thats kind of harsh.....but you know what 'they' say, "You are your harshest critict!"
So I'm writing this post overeating session.....
And I am having the same feelings I had last night at this time. 'Why do I eat like this?' Now that I have taken care of eating my emotions, do I feel better? No, I feel disgusted with myself! Why did I eat all that chili and cornbread until I was stuffed. And why did I talk myself into eating Coldstone AGAIN! I almost talked myself out of it too....but I didn't make it. So here I am in disgust with myself, thinking of the juice that I am about to make in my juicer......yea, I know, one extreme to the other....binge eating to fresh fruit and vegetable juice...all within 18 hours! NICE!
My therapist wants me to address the anger issues that I have with my parents.....I'm going to have to dig deep on this one because I have convieniently hid them beep in my brain socket. I'm not one to get angry....I'll let you walk all over me and just stuff the feelings deep inside me. Anything to avoid confrontation....so about this anger? My parents did the best they could with what they have...so lets look at the obvious. I'm mad at my mom and dad for getting divorced! I mad at my dad for marrying my step-mom! I'm mad at my dad for introducing me to here the same day my first pet died. And in front of my mom! I'm mad at my dad for not being there emotionally. I'm mad at my step-mom for being so critical, judgemental, and communicating in her belitteling way. Im mad at my step-mom for not letting me speak my mind because every word that came out of my mouth, every idea, every thought was shot down. I'm mad at my dad and step-mom for making me feel like I wasn't good evough, never able to meet their expectations....I'm mad at my mom for leaving me as a kid, not fighting to have me live with her....instead of the other way around.
Does this mean that I am angry? Or have I internalized it in such a way that it is masked?
I'm full! I am sick and tired of eating.....especially when I eat like this.....what's it gonna take for me to surrender to the compulsive over-eating?
"Just do it"
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