Go go go Isabella!

Date:   10/27/2007 7:44:05 PM ( 17 y ago)

I still feel quite crappy. There are so many moments during the day thoughtsof him pop into my head and I break into tears. And I feel myself shrink, crumble and disappear. The talk the previous night gave me closure, affirmed to myself that I was actually ok, gave me a chance to feel him, but because of the talk, which was a sweet reminisce and kind exchange like a conversation between two people in love, must have stirred my hurt.

I know if I had turned up for his birthday, I would have won his heart hands down, but I was sick. I could not rush my body and truly, my mind has been all over the place for a long time now. I asked myself today if I loved myself more than he? I loved him more than me.

And that was not a right answer.

Something has changed in me the last 2 years. I crashed. In the middle of the chaos, I tried multiple times to escape from the mess, but every time I took a few steps, I was thrown back by an invisible force, as if the last 2 years, I was trapped in an invisible shield. But I think the struggling started many years ago, since I was 9 when I never received the love I needed. As a result, I had problems dealing with basically everything in my life.

Now, I have lost a man I love, a good man who is extremely hard to come by. Imagining him making love to another woman, professing his love for him, creating a life with her, wearing a ring with her name really hurts. And i knew it was mainly my fault. He really loved me, he waited for me loyally for 2 years, but doubts took over and he convinced himself it was time to move on. The thing is he is happy now and apparently engaged and set to marry her. It is strange to me how he can desire to marry so fast, but that is really his decision, not mine. Now, I can choose to be happy. And I shall be.

He is gone now. I have to remind myself that. He is gone now.

He made me realize there are a lot of things I need to change about myself because the next time the right man comes along, I am not going to let him go. I think I am grieving for the the girl who was dead all those years of growing up, the girl who did not live up to her expectations, the girl who only found pride from beating the top in class, the girl who gave up her dreams for I-dont-know-what-anymore. And after the most precious thing in the world fell on my lap and I let it walk away, I feel a terrible loss. The beauty of him lingers, a life-changing experience. He is gone and it feels what died was more than just him, but the entire part of me that just was not me. A part of me has died. And I see it crystal clearly.

Death



The change: Making love to life--doing the things I have dreamt of doing but never have done for all kinds of ludicrous reasons, unleashing the beautiful, confident, happy, free girl within.



Changes:

Immediate
1. Detox--clear eczema, lose weight
2. 40KG
3. Do well for CA1s

Stage 2
1. Change my hairsyle: dye it deep brown/red and get a bang
2. Buy tight jeans
3. Celebrate my birthday
4. Visit Music stores for jazz

Stage 3
1. Take a short holiday with friends
2. Study for CA2s
3. Invest money in sunshine empire
4. Travel Singapore
5. Celebrate New Year with friends

Stage 4
1. Learn painting
2. Learn pool
3. Learn chess
4. Improve English
5. Learn photography

Stage 5
1. New project paediatrics
2. Attend schools
3. Join peers in school
4. Make penpals from other countries
5. Cook

Stage 6
1. Plan a trip overseas in summer



 

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