emotional lady...oh emotional ladeeee......

Date:   1/24/2008 12:46:14 PM ( 16 y ago)

Same ol same ol. Make lemonade, drink SWF, hope it works. I haven't really been hungry...I mean, of course we all get hungry, but it just, seems to pass. I did feel rather weak last night, but not overtly so. I'm not craving anything. I am making plans to grab some supplies and begin a macrobiotic diet, so I've been researching that, and finding tons of great really inspiring information, but I haven't been craving the 'burgers, wings, fries, bread, whatevers'

I think that might be insight enough there. I don't generally crave it. I'm just looking to feel 'full', emotionally and spiritually. It's not ever about the food, it's about the action of filling oneself. -sigh-

Also, I don't own a scale, so I can't weigh myself. I think my jeans are looser. LOL. I know many of you come here to check on weight loss results, and while that is a definite benefit that I am certainly looking forward do, it was never my prime concern, so, well...it's just not much of a concern. My focus is elsewhere (for once in my life HAH!)

I had a rough emotional night last night, and so today I feel a little like someone beat me with a big bad Self stick.
I just feel so stagnated, I keep comparing myself to my friends and acquaintances around me, who seem to be doing all these fantastic wonderful things with their lives and I am just sitting here, doing nothing, going nowhere, engaging no one. I feel a trifle lost, and disappointed in myself.

I realize that 'seem' up there is key. Sure that's what it seems like, and I'm sure to someone else my life 'seems' fantastic, and it's all relative and up for debate and so why bother. It's just so hard not to.

Part of me realizes I need to relax back into my life, go with the flow instead of fighting tooth and nail to swim upstream simply because that's where I think I should be. If we were all meant to swim to the same spot, at the same time, well, that would be pretty ridiculous, we'd have millions of miles of uncharted waters and a bunch of dead fish in a pile ;)
I need to trust that this path I am on is indeed, the one I should be on, and have faith in life and the flow of life itself. The other part of me thinks "NO! If you do that, NOTHING AT ALL WILL HAPPEN! YOU'LL sit here in misery forever! Fight fight, struggle struggle, that's the only way to get anywhere." but that sounds wrong to me right now. As much as I know that that is what my intellect is screaming at me, what I would have easily, subconciously slipped into 4 days ago,feels very wrong.

I'm not a person good at letting go and letting god, so to speak

*funny aside here, I initially wrote, "I'm not a good person". Freud, anyone?*

I've always been afraid to trust, what I've begun to call 'the little big one';The big self inside the little self, the subconscious, ultimately I've always been afraid to trust myself. I've always been afraid to stop...it's altogether self-indulgent and arrogant, "If I stop who will DO everything?" you know? Like I make myself breathe, or make my heart beat or make my blood flow through my veins or fire off neurons or organize gravity or keep the sun shining. It's inherently narcissistic. And I know that too. My ego's in the midst of a power struggle and it's fighting tooth and nail to stay prominent, first and foremost: the most important part of me.
I know better.

There's a clash of majestic proportions going on inside my psyche that, i fear, needs to play itself out before I can fully 'heal'. I really do believe that psychic and physical health are intimately linked, I've witnessed it in myself, and I've known that for quite a while, my inner life has been chaotic, strained, frustrated, angry and erratic at best. This can only play out negatively for my 'ugly bag of mostly water' (sorry, just geeked out there, it's from a Star Trek TNG episode. That is what a particular silicon based alien life form called human beings. And it was probably the funniest, most apt description I'd ever heard. Let that Geek Flag FLY my friends).

BAH! I feel like I'm getting eaten up from inside my brain. Good. That's what this was for.

I really do enjoy keeping this journal, though.

cheers
kiki





 

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