Today was a smashing success in the raw vegan department! I ate 2 bananas for breakfast with some Tahitian Noni Juice, had 4 fluffy cups of salad (w/fresh lemon juice, raw vinegar and raw olive oil, sea salt, fresh cracked black pepper) from last night's efforts, flax seed crackers and sparkling spring water. It's getting down to the wire on my job. I have a lot of fear about leaving this behind - I didn't realize how much self-worth I had put into the title I held. I know that this is like labor, I just have to go through it. I also put a lot of self-comfort in cooked animal foods. Put melted cheese on just about anything, a bedroom slipper, and I would eat it. "If it can't be fried, it can't be eaten!", I used to joke. "Let's go get some ice cream, my butt's not NEARLY big enough!", I'd say.
I had a meltdown tonight. I'm coming to terms with how much I can and cannot trust myself with my own life and well-being. I cried until I could not cry anymore. My husband is out of words for me, he really is. All he can do is just let me go. All I have to do is walk through it and not use the raw emotion and experience to give up. I cannot use the fact that it does not look like I hoped it would (my life, my 92 day challenge, my marriage, my professional life, my body, my family)to give up, to give in, to tell myself that it's not worth it, that I don't matter, that I'll never change anyway so what's the use? I've visited success but never stayed there, I've told myself.
Not enough reason to give in. Today they're all NOT GOOD ENOUGH. How the hell did that happen? I just don't know. I couldn't spit out the formula if I tried. It's just a combination of every single day, every single experience, every single emotion, every single heartbreak, every single nightmare, and the vision of every single dream I've ever had all rolled into one, ya think?
Mango-banana 'ice cream' tonight. Blended frozen fruit - better than tequila. With a hot Sleepy Time tea chaser. Pure, exhausted, resignated, bliss. No other option. No use fighting anymore.
Have a good night, sleep well. Keep trying.