Recovering.

Date:   3/18/2008 7:40:37 PM ( 16 y ago)

Life has not been as hopeful these past three days since I have not blogged. I took for granted the hope journaling brings to my day. Good lesson. Sunday I made guacamole and salsa - very, very satisfying. My husband was gnawing on beef burritos and I knew I had better do something for myself to ward off any temptation or delusional thinking. It was delish, my raw vegan feast was!

Monday - what did I do Monday? Oh, yeah. Drove through a very large city on St. Patrick's Day during 5pm rush-hour. Not bad though. I was sure to bring apples for breakfast, it was an all day trip to and from my destination. Seedless black grapes, flax seed crackers, the leftover guac and salsa (damn yummy), green salad with the lovely fresh lemon juice concoction I made on Saturday that I was dipping fresh veggies in, raw cashews, and whole avocados.

Today - blueberry, banana and apple smoothies. So good. I had two today, a quart each. It's all I've wanted. Tonight after work I picked up red cabbage, tiny carrots (my junk food), a turnip and onion. I forgot my reciped book at home before I went to work. I'll shred it all and marinate it with fresh lemon juice, raw olive oil, maybe some fresh herbs. Let's see, I picked up some basil the other day and some cilantro. Hmmmm. I'm leaning toward basil but not convinced it is the right choice. I'm going to order some Nama Shoyu online as soon as I finish this blog. I need to expand my menu options or I'm going to lose it. I laugh as I write that. When did I actually get it all back, my brain retorted.

No bites on the job market yet. Well, that's not true. I've been offered and currently hold one position that I'm transitioning to at my current employer and was actually offered another as well. Just not what I'm into right now. Direct customer contact that involves them yelling at me. Nope. Not for me at this point. I am not good at sucking certain aspects of life up. I'm still sucking up losing my only, dear, sweet child. I am not willing to go there and abuse what substantial ground I've gained in learning to want to live again.

I was offered, last week, a position in a bagel joint. Cooked food, no good. I'm so not into the bagel counter scene to begin with at this point in my life. Years ago, it would've been appropriate. It is not now. So, I've got four applications in and I'm hating this part of the plan. I need to rewrite my résumé. No time to kick myself, just keep moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I shouldn't have given my notice before I had the permanent, BETTER job. Hindsight, babe. 20/20 they say.

So, I dropped the bomb about losing my one and only. He was the most beautiful person in the world. He still is, he's just not here. Life is two-dimensional, at best. I have to give the world a break. It will never be good enough again. So, just learning to be good enough for the world is all I've got now. I didn't die. It was through no help from me, I assure you. I collapsed on the spot. Life was NOT worth living. Now, I've simply accepted that my life is not my choice. It's a ride I woke up to and it will end, most likely, when I begin to enjoy. I am a pessimist. Optimism is a book I have upstairs that I am still reading. Change your mind, change your life. Yada, yada, yada. I just keep going. I apologize when I'm wrong and nail everyone else's ass to the wall when they are. I am learning to give that up. Anger. It does not 'win friends and influence people'. I read that book twice, 20 years ago and 10 years ago. I refuse to pick it up right now. I have to get through the one I'm on that's going to teach me to think like an optimist. Faith. I won't recite what people have told me these past few years. It's too sad that they really believe what they're saying. Hey, if it gets them through, who am I to burst the bubble? Like my sister said, 'just pissin' people off left and right'.

So, how to be the best, reluctant me that I can be. I can't find the Nama Shoyu online. Two distributors out so far. So much for instant grat. I'll keep trying.

Sorry if I'm not uplifting today. If it helps, I've lost 7 lbs. I'm taking my supplements, I'm stretching every day and I tell my husband that I love him. I try to be useful two out of three times the opportunity presents itself. I'm not having my head held up and being fed broth by my husband as I was a few years ago. It's progress, not perfection. I smile, I say hello, I pray you don't see how broken I really am.

Love to you all.






 

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