never enough

Date:   2/1/2010 12:48:06 PM ( 14 y ago)

Okay. Denied that today meant anything at all. It's not the sixth of February, it's the first. Four years ago today, the first Monday of February, the xixth of February - the very sixth of February - my boy was killed. I was waiting for him and he never met me as agreed. He wasn't even old enough to have shaved three times yet.

I am alive. He's not. No college, no music, no 'Hey Mom.' No future for him.

I am divorced from a man and his children whom I loved and tried to build a future for and with.

After this day four years ago, they were my enemy. It felt every day more and more like 'them or me'.

They got over it.

I was just beginning my journey and they were seemingly over it.

I thought they were dispicable, despisable. They weren't. They are not.

They now think I am dispicable, despisable. I believe I am 6 days, 23 hours, and 45 minutes out of 7 days.

I am just now, able to see that I am a person with a responsibility to this world to live, to contribute and they never seemed to lose it.

I drank. I demanded a divorce when I was drunk in front of them two years later. Teenage boys.

I destroyed my marriage and my relationships with them.

Everything I had ever done for them in the 5 years before that night - down the drain. Who was I to them but now only a very bad memory. A mistake their Dad made.

So.......

They were left to somehow deal with that memory.

I am, I am childless.

Husbandless.

No longer a proud parent.

No longer a strong spouse.

No longer in a beautiful home I nested to make lovely for others.

I make BLTs for one.

Sleep with 7 pillows.

Turn the bed warmer on high every night.

I pray to God every day and I beg for sanity.

I am hated by most and tolerated kindly by the rest.

Is this what my son would have wanted? An angry, bitchy, whiney woman who still cries every f***ing day wondering what it's all for?

Is it what I really wanted when I resented the hell out of them for living? For moving on? Nice.

My coworker advised I just go snowshoe for an hour and blow through this day. She knows nothing of what goes on between my ears, thank God.

I cannot self destruct anymore. I cannot hurt others anymore... I cannot hurt myself anymore.

How to just shut up?

What would life be like if I was not angry?

I love my son, I loved my son. If nothing else, that is the one truth of my life, even if all else is cloudy.

I am so very popular in my own life, so very much welcomed by others - no one acknowledges the day in my life. Not my mother, my siblings, my friends. I am that delightful in everything I do.

Raw vegan is the least of my worries. But maybe it's the one place I could consider beginning. If I can't be livable with humans, maybe I can make peace with the animals.

Ah, f***. I damn near emailed the ex-husband today. Why not just drive to his workplace with a baseball bat and hand it to him?

Time warp of the brain.

Because I've finally am coming back to life I find I still am pissed at him. There is no place for justified anger in my life. Why are people wrong to me? Just let go, be nice, go for a damned snowshoe to blow it out and be f***ing useful again. It's been four years, just do it.

Ah f***.

I'm never enough. They're never enough. It's never enough.

Uncuth. Uneducated. Unhappy.

Well, that's first Monday in February for 2010.

Enough already. "Saturday's the real day, after all. Positive, life affirming day."



 

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