doing nothing

Date:   2/3/2010 10:05:15 PM ( 14 y ago)

Day 5. Brushed my teeth, washed my face. Day 5 of 'normalcy'. Time to leave the alcoholic drama behind. What do normal people do day after day after day?

Was I ever normal? In memory I was. Husband, kids, mortgage. Did I always feel hopeless? I don't think so. There's one memory of driving down the mountain road with the four boys in the back of the mini van. We were all singing Kool and the Gang - Celebrate (or something like that). I used to bake, plan vacations, make love, attend games, grocery shop without a budget and scoop the cat box. Now it seems, I just 'feel' regularly.

Worked 10 hours today. Not respected at my job by my immediate coworker. I'm too busy 'feeling' to get the details right in learning my position. Pathetic, I am.

Tomorrow, the alarm will go off. Set it early. Will I wake up before G*d wakes me up? Will I go for a walk before work? Make breakfast? Read, meditate? Journal?

What will tomorrow bring? Will it all just be feeling and noticing I am 'feeling' again, not wanting to do anything but 'feel'?

I don't want to change and be different. If I did, I'd just be different - wouldn't I?



 

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