surrender

Date:   2/10/2010 11:41:01 AM ( 14 y ago)

I am truly deflated. I feel down for the count. If I went home, I'd sleep effortlessly.

I am spacy, tired, sad, discouraged, and sad - but I listed that one already.

Consequences of getting drunk and demanding a divorce? Get to miss out on the kids' birthdays and good times. Get to end all possibility of healing, hope, and chance for peace within the family. I slammed the door to the family shut and today is E****'s 19th birthday. He's the one I saw on Saturday - the 4th anniversary of my son's death.

Poor kid. My son's funeral was the night before his 15th birthday. If I really, really want to make him happy - I'll stay away.

It truly sucks that the majority of people whose lives I touched are better off with me gone.

Now that's a 'jagged little pill'. I won't do it. I won't kill myself. It takes more than I can muster. Almost 2 full weeks since I've felt this way? 3 maybe?

I'm relieved I'm sober. I'm relieved I'm deflated. I'm relieved I have no more fight left in me. Perhaps now I can be teachable. I can correct all that I've been living for 30 years.

There's hope there, I do believe. Mustard seed? I f***ing hate those stupid little things we hang on to - "mustard seed size hope is all it takes".

I'm gonna go get on my knees now and cry, beg, and surrender. I've got nothing left.

 

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