Me & God, no matter what.

Date:   2/20/2010 10:12:16 PM ( 14 y ago)

It has been quite a wild ride these past three days. Brought to light, finally, how it feels to be in my position at work. Not angrily, not for pity - but for sanity. Just described the actions, described the feelings, described my intent this point forward. Just do a good job and keep showing up. That's it. After all that I've been getting through I need to let myself off the hook that I am not perfect. I have learned this job in just about 3 months and I have been self-destructive most of the time.

Strong as an ox, I've come to believe.

The snow shoeing is daily, not an exact hour and no less than 30 minutes. Not bad.

Brushing my teeth every night.

Inventory at night, sometimes just one item - 2 minutes. Better than nothing.

Bed time is shaky. Falling asleep tonight at 7:30 while reading, now it's 11pm (my time where I live) and I am wide awake.

Food is going well. Made an egg-bake to scoop for breakfast and loving my black, organic coffee.

Praying for help morning and night.

Got a NEW sponsor. Old one is pretty mad. Took a week off advising I needed to review myself, my tendencies and what the next step might be. Yesterday morning the week was up.

Old-timer w/35 years with strong big book experience. Said yes. Old sponsor left voice mail advising that she's not 'able to help me anymore and if' I 'need help to please call anytime' and that 'this is' my 'pattern to run away'. What ever gets ya through the day, honey. I didn't realize she heard nothing of our meeting that morning when I thanked her for her help and that I would rather be friends than sponsor/sponsee. How strange this all is. "I'm on top." "No, I'm on top." "No, I'm on top." "NO, I'M ON TOP." "NO!!! I'M ON TOP!!!" That's how it feels to be in conversation most of the time with the women in the state where I live and I have to remember to just let people be on top and to not fight anyone or anything. My job is to stay sober, quiet the disturbances within me, go to meetings, trust God, clean house, and be of service to others - not always in that order. If I'm on top with God, that's all that matters. Trust God, clean house, serve others.

My ex #2 continues to post personal ads in the local papers and it is interesting to see one of the qualifications "I hate when people try to change me." I try, after the initial ego-puncture, to remember that my critics are actually my best friends. If I take into serious consideration what people say to me or try to teach me, I just might become a better person. Maybe, no guarantees. Our marriage ran on the belief that he was fine just the way he was and I was the problem. Dad known by all in the community, building named after him, Mom was a 'saint', the family name and his job makes him a 'saint' as well he's advised in so many ways. I'm still pissed.

Resentments will kill me. Let it go. Where am I being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened in this? I want him to take care of me when I'm too vulnerable to take care of myself. I want a knight in shining armor. I want to know that I can fall down if I have to and I'll be okay. Well, that's not how adults operate. I need to grow up and just move on. I need to just grow up. Just because he's in a trusted profession doesn't mean it's was job to take care of me. It's my job with my God to take care of me no matter what happens. No matter what happens. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

Tomorrow is another day.

 

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