I had forgotten how much fasting is about discipline, self control, and will.

Date:   8/25/2005 12:17:14 AM ( 19 y ago)

August 24, 2005 @ 8:39 PM

I am sitting here next to my baby while she eats her dinner. Next to her is my sister and next to her my husband. My baby is taking little bites of chicken, my sister is munching corn, and my husband is downing a variety of veggies fresh of the grill. The smell is wonderful. A few minutes ago I was feeling left out of it all, but now amazingly I am OK. I am hungry too. I could definitely use another lemonade, but I am not overwhelmed by the food. Thank goodness! I was hoping this would happen and it has on this evening of my third day.

I had forgotten how much fasting is about discipline, self control, and will. I have been out of control for four years. Four years. Something I heard on Dr. Laura a few weeks back makes sense to me now. She was talking with a young woman about being anorexic. She was saying that her (Dr. Laura's) problem had been situational, once she left home it went away (she said she still has issues, but she knows how to deal with them).

I have been realizing how situational my overeating has been. It started when I was in seventh grade and went away when I was 15 and we moved to Los Angeles to another life...away from all the stresses in my life. I didn't binge again until I was 22 and my stepfather died from cancer. It was like a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and I couldn't actually eat all the food I purchased for my binge. I had reacted to the stress the way I had previously, but my body was different and it didn't work for me--I just looked at all of the food and thought, "It has been such a long time since I felt like this."

I guess it was during the chaos of planning my wedding, moving in with my fiancé (now husband), and depression that followed that sent me spiraling downward and back into the comfort of food. It isn't black and white and it is something I am going to discuss in this blog, but for now all I am saying is that I realize now food is how I deal with stress...and I have got to find a different way of dealing.

 

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