I couldn't self talk my way into not caring--even to make my little sister happy. I did't go down the slide and I should have...for her.

Date:   8/26/2005 2:18:29 AM ( 19 y ago)

August 25, 2005 @ 12:11 AM

As we approached the water park smiles formed on our mouths. My daughter looked on in awe at the brightly colored play structure in the middle of a swimming pool with water spraying out from all different directions and in so many different ways. This was going to be fun! We hurried into the changing room to get our suits on.

As we exited the changing room I felt the sun on my feet, the hot cement. Then I felt the sun on my back, my back. My back with two rolls on each side and a swimming suit that shows all (who designed the plus size suits with a large half moon cut out of the back?). Next the sun began illuminating the baggy black pants that I had cut into shorts so I wouldn't feel so exposed. I was so self conscious the entire time that I only half enjoyed the happiness and excitement my little girl was experiencing.

My twelve year old sister spent her time going up and down the big slide. This was our conversation:

Me: Is it fun?

Sis: Yep. It is a lot of fun. Do you want to do it?

Me: No

Sis: I can hold her [my baby] and you can go down if you want.

Me: No, that's Ok, I don't want to.

Sis: Please. Here see I have her.

Me: No, I said. I don't want to go down. I would if I wanted to. I don't.

Sis: Please.

Me: How does my going down the slide increase your pleasure or the fun you are having?

Sis: Because then we would both know how fun it is and we could laugh about it.

At this point I was feeling really bad because I wasn't telling her the truth and because my reason for not going down was that I couldn't take all the eyes on me as I walked up a huge flight of stairs and then created a monstrous splash in the two feet of water waiting below. I couldn't self talk my way into not caring--even to make my little sister happy. I did't go down the slide and I should have...for her.

So as she sat there disappointed I was thinking that this was a reason to keep going--so next time my baby sister wants me to go down the big slide, I will.





 

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