I realized also that the reason I felt so dead inside all day is that I didn't drink enough lemonade.

Date:   9/2/2005 3:11:37 AM ( 19 y ago)

September 1, 2005 @ 1:14 AM

What just happened fits right in with the day I have had or created which ever you choose. I had just written the beginning of a very long entry. Two paragraphs, ready to start the third. I hit some key, I have no idea which one and it was lost. So here I go trying to recreate what I had already written...something I really dislike doing.

I prefer to write in the living room or dinning room, but tonight I am writing in bed next to my baby girl as she sleeps (no where near as good as the first time I wrote it). After the day we have had I feel a strong need to be close to her, within range of her senses all of them telling her mommy is near.

When I woke up this morning it was two hours later than I had planned. I felt nothing. No motivation to move. I wanted to lay in bed all day or mill around the house in my underwear or sit on the couch watching movie after movie...But I am the mother of a toddler and the wife of a man that makes it possible for me to spend my days loving her...so these are not options. After pretending to play and read books for an hour and half it was no longer fooling either of us...I got up. I carried my daughter into the kitchen and handed her the fig nuton she had picked out at the store yesterday. She looked at me, looked at the nuton, handed it back to me and pointed to the stove. She was going to force me to be a good mommy...she eats oatmeal for breakfast of course...not cookies! After considering all the options I decided I had to go through the motions of our normal day together. But first I had to flush.

Last night I drank laxative tea for the first time. I woke up with horrible cramps (no worse than when my body does this on its own, but it was unpleasant). So this morning I did the salt water flush. It was awful. I hate drinking that stuff. It takes me forever--20 minutes. I almost threw up four times, but the thought of having diarrhea like bathroom breaks all day from just doing the tea is a far worse option. 20 Minutes is a life time to a toddler. I let her do whatever she pleased just so I could get the salt water down. She emptied her fathers box of Q-Tips all over the floor. When I looked over at her she was diligently putting one between the toes of her left foot and one between the toes of her right foot. Then she would get up and walk around until one fell out, sit down and replace it...adorable--but messy.

Finally around two hours later I loaded us onto our bike for my daily ride. Off to the park we went. My legs were dead. No energy and they burned. It hurt so much just to peddle on flat ground, but where I live there is a hill every five seconds (however gentle the slope--I am out of shape) so it was awful and I had never ridden to this park before. To make a longer story long, my husband told me the wrong street and I ended up ridding way too far on a street that had a two foot wide bike lane and cars going 60 plus miles an hour. It was so stressful and tense...I won't ever do it again! All the way I was thinking about what would happen if we got hit...would they find my husband? Would they take my baby to some state facility? You know basic mama concerns. Anyway, by this time my baby was asleep and I was too hot and tired to go anywhere but home. I turned the bike around, pressed the walk signal button, and eventually crossed the street. As I was riding down the first hill I noticed my tire seemed to be wobbling back and forth. It was flat. Flat. I had already passed the gas station, I had no spare pump, I called my husband-he didn't answer. I was going to have to walk home on this busy street baby and all.

Do you know in the entire hour and a half that I walked that bike with my baby in her seat, not a single person stopped and asked me if we were OK? It was 90 some degrees out, I was walking on flat surfaces, down hills, not the usual places someone walks with a baby on the back of my bike--not one person stopped. By the time we made it to the bottom of the two hills I have to climb in order to get home I was so tired, I almost cried. Instead though I cowgirled up (a phrase I learned on Fear Factor) and pushed that bike and my baby up those hills and into our air conditioned home.

I flopped down on the couch and all I could think is, "This day is so wrong." My baby was so ready to bounce her ball and run with the doggies and I couldn't explain to her why we were back home. Then suddenly I was struck with all my undone house work and the messes I had let my little girl make this morning. I spent 3 1/2 hours cleaning the house (something I usually do when my baby is sleeping) while she played by herself. Then tonight since we were so off of our schedule she had trouble falling asleep. I just didn't have it in me to perform any magic sleepy time tricks so I let her run around until she was pointing at the bed crying begging me to lay down with her. Finally she snuggled in tight to my body and fell asleep as I stroked her head.

[We did, my husband and I, take her to the park in the evening and she at a wonderful dinner of steak, potatoes, peppers, and soy milk-just so you know she didn't have a completely horrible day] But it was bad. It was also a first and last. It wasn't worth it. Getting chores done or writing done or whatever else done isn't worth my baby's precious days. She is learning so much right now. She needs so much love and attention and today I saw why some kids are those whinny-tantrumy-monters (like a few in my family) because they are ignored day in and day out.

Ignoring my daughter all day has made me so sad tonight. She is so precious, so loved, so adored and yet today what she learned is that Mommy gets mad sometimes [at me] mommy doesn't always want to play with me, mommy isn't being normal did I do something wrong? She was so confused by my behavior.

If anything good came out of today it is that I saw the opposite of what I normally do and how it effects her. She is the most important thing, if I don't get up early enough to get my daily house work done than it just won't get done.

I realized also that the reason I felt so dead inside all day is that I didn't drink enough lemonade. I had to force myself to drink any today. My body doesn't want anymore of it. This happened during my last fast too. On the same days 11 and 12 my body was nauseated by the stuff, but by the 13 I was fine again.

I haven't had this off of a day for a very long time...and my baby girl has never had a day like this either. I know she will be fine. I know tomorrow she will wake me up with kisses and smiles, but still my heart is so sad about today. So I am writing here next to my daughter listening to her breathe in and out and my husband snore (not nearly as lovely a sound). I will forgive myself in the morning and go on being a good mommy, but for tonight I am embracing this sadness because I know it is a product of how much I care for this life that is unfolding before my eyes...day-by-day.

 

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