pre-work journal entry

Date:   4/20/2007 12:25:51 PM ( 17 y ago)

Thank you dear Lord for this day.

1. woke up alive and still on this earth
2. have two feet
3. my eyes still work
4. my mind is in its rightful place
5. my dog is at my side
6. my husband lives another day
7. warm weather...it's already 60 degrees outside
8. Internet
9. books
10. my residents


-I didn't sleep all that well last night so I woke up late. I'm going for a television free weekend. I turned on the television and watched a show called 'Miami Slice' about plastic surgery. Of course, the women were gorgeous. For some reason I woke up thinking how fat and horrible I look (I know it's not true) and how outside the mainstream my look is.

I'll never be 'skinny' and I don't want to be. I look at shows like Top Model and am not envious of them at all. Don't look healthy to me. Kate Winslet looks healthy to me. Anyhoo, I don't even like the bodies of people on shows like Work Out. i guess what I want is the attention that slim,pretty girls get in a weird attempt to validate my own beauty. This need to get approval that I'm pretty is what got me into big trouble with a man before I met my husband. I should know better. That kind of beauty is not beauty that lasts. It's not the kind of beauty that will matter in fifty years. I want to live a long, productive life well into my 100s still working and making a difference in people's lives. Whether it happens remains to be seen. It's a Pascal wager of holistic living.

I feel healthy but I know with thirty extra pounds I'm not as healthy as I could be. Does it really matter? If I think I look good, am intelligent and feel good then does having a little belly matter. Yes it's irritating to see skinny girls get the attention but I'm married. Do I need the attention of thousands of guys OR the undivided attention of my husband.

I needed to get this out because my self image needs a lot of work and attention. It's gotten me into plenty trouble in the past. Thank goodness for guardian angels. They were working overtime when I met that guy from the internet. Sheesh. Desperation.

Phew I feel a lot of better getting all that poison out. Energy flows where attention goes. Law of attraction. I'm going to keep the focus on fitness and being happy and my eating will come into right order. I do want to get mostly rawfoods into my diet. We'll see what today brings. Shift is going to be challenging with two aides on and one person helping who doesn't want to help.

 

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