not really trying to edit this one

Date:   11/6/2006 1:56:15 AM ( 18 y ago)

I'm just gonna write out whatever's in my brain right now, cuz I feel blurry, but I know that there's something in here somewhere that needs to get out. I spent a long evening with a friend of mine who's sick with a pretty serious, often terminal illness. This woman can TALK and after a while of listening, I start feeling jagged, though she's entirely delightful. My brain feels like it's being ravaged when I spend time with people, but when I'm alone, I get so lonely.. I just need to write and not judge it and not label it. I regularly do a structured sort of writing, taking my inventory and picking out all the fear from my brain and body, which is entirely useful and has rendered regular journalling nearly obsolete, as half the stuff I say is one dimensional delusion. but here and there, it's nice just to do it and see it's still possible for what it's worth. And I'll put it out there because I am sick of all these piles of notebooks and no body hearing me. Maybe for the fifty or so people who'll read this, I'll be heard enough like that police song with the message in the bottle and the hundreds of bottles with the same message washing up to shore.

so. I live with a semi-enlightened woman who scares the shit out of me. I'm entirely safe. she's just sort of shut down and shoots me mean looks and just kicks up stored childhood trauma so that I can see it's there and then notice when it's gone, or so it seems at the moment. The second I think she's evil, she'll be totally and entirely kind and sweet, like as if the rest of it was in my mind. But I feel stifled here and trust that intuitive sense of dis-ease and really look forward to living in a situation that doesn't feel suffocating. I don't have much space. I dreamed last night that I got drunk, and she found out and beat me till I was half bloody. In the dream I was bemusedly detached and guilty simultaneously. cuz I felt good seeing her lose control, since I feel like I'm incessantly tiptoeing around the house, and also because I feel like I deserve to be beaten, like I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to ruin everything and be punished.

Today, I put some classical music on while meditating, and she started stomping and sighing and slamming doors all over the place. she wanted to meditate at that moment, which I didn't know beforehand, and the music I had on so disturbed her, so she threw the tantrum which disturbed me enough to turn the music off. I locked the bathroom door when I showered today. I usually do, but today was the first day I even realized I do it. My mom used to walk into the bathroom while I was showering and scream obscenities at me, so maybe that trauma stuck around. or maybe it's just from watching Psycho. I want out, but I need a substantial increase in income or some other miracle to precipitate the move. I may need to experience more of this first. Perhaps it'll get better or at some point, I'll be able to speak up when she looks at me like I am retarded when I'm talking to her. 3 billion forms of fear at once, maybe I would be better off taking inventory. so much happens in one day, and I don't know why this is what I choose to discuss. maybe because it's hard for me to tell people and maybe I'm addicted to obsessing about negativity... cuz there are many good things popping up in my life, but this intimidates me cuz it's new, and I've been stuck in various ways, hiding out in addictions to prevent my terror of growth and not liking the results. it can be easier on some level to imagine different sorts of flowers you'd become if you let yourself grow than to watch the distinct one you are unfold. Though we're infinite in so many ways, who cares? I don't really talk like that, ew.

Analyzing is death half the time, a real waste. every thought I have negates itself in so many ways. people tell me I'm beating myself up and ought to stop. I think I just haven't entirely grasped patterns of filtering out the thousands of thoughts shooting around in my brain at any given second. And they're right to a degree, but what does that observation do? Is anyone following me? have I lost you?

I'll quit while I'm (not?) ahead. before I start to feel less ahead. Words have power, perhaps I should start a pseudo journal under an acronym writing what I believe I'd write if I put less stock in my primitive self.

 

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