everything is different, but why wouldn't it be?

Date:   12/12/2006 1:08:52 AM ( 18 y ago)

So the TM was more powerful than I'd originally realized. A much deeper rest than I've ever had. I've been able to release layers of delusional attachment in my brain with far more precision and clarity. I've stopped with Johrei altogether. Everything looks a little darker without it but I don't want a life in which I am fearfully clinging to rituals. I got sick of bowing to the picture of a dead japanese guy I don't know and being told to pray and pressured to go to services I'm not interested in. I used to chant a lot too, and I'm not doing that so much either. I realized I've held onto some of my spiritual rites (chanting/praying/etc.) with fear that I'd wither and die humilatingly without them. I've decided I'd rather just up and die if need be than choose the way I move through life powered by fear and delusion.

back when I was getting/giving lots of Johrei I was becoming tidier at home and friendlier and more giving to people, but a lot of it wasn't honest. I'd rather be honestly stand offish than act compassionate in a phony way when I don't feel it. I don't like the feeling of someone "acting as if" toward me and it's not a quality I care to emulate. I've been far more powerfully moved by people being DEEPLY honest with me even if some of it hurts than by hundreds of fake smiles and reassuring nods with forehead lines that don't match the gesture.

I am not working. I am not willing to do anything I don't feel like doing, and I'm trusting Power will move me as need be. I've been going that way a year and it keeps working out just fine and life stays interesting and I'm not getting poorer, so although I am baffled at watching my actions, I'll just trust it's all going just fine.

 

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