i think this poster is playing a devils advocate and stirring up the crock with the biggest end of the stick they can find by slapping former vicitms in the faces with their emtotions. Some peoples will never completely heal from their abuse and i think its shameful for some to use raw emotoins to stir up bad feelings on a support forum.
You mean that suicidal bitchen that goes on in every kitchen?
Studies show women are more violent then men, I can validate that!
ah ah dont touch that dial you will be labeled the most hidious of labels ,a whiner!
Walk out the door that is your only refuge!
Men ,said Camille Paglia ,(my favorite feminist) created social clubs to get out of the kitchen!
I was staying with a friend in No. Carolina and I was outside on his porch looking at the night sky. There was this humongous spider that crawled up on the railing next to me. As I was backing away from it (under the porch light) something like a bat flew in my hair. I went screaming into the house. My friend who was taking a shower came running out of the bathroom with a towel, and he had grabbed his tennis racket. As he was standing there dripping wet, I'm screaming about godzilla sized spiders, and bats in my hair....
He went out to the porch, saw the huge spider (I wasn't kidding) and then the "bat" flew in his hair. He hit himself over the head with the racket..I kid you not. It was actually a luna moth.
He was so mad at me. He said that he had never seen a spider, nor a moth the size of a VW since he moved there 3 years earlier. I guess I was the nature magnet.
I made a decoupage salad bowl of moths. It was quite beautiful, and I sold it within the week.
And I have also done some paintings where I use multimedia...with moths. Have one hanging in my bedroom right now. I'll try to get a pic and post it on the art forum for you!!
Yep, you are stuck in the Bermuda Triangle (pun) my friend. How will Rodney get you out of this one? Will you have to turn to Ellen Degeneres? Oh, wait a second, I've never heard her speak negatively of other women...Hmmmm. Maybe Oprah...Nope.
Better haul up those cochones and back out slowly.
I'm still here, and I'm sorry if my silence has made people question whether my problem was genuine or not. I'm really not just trying to stir up an argument for the sake of drama. :)
Like SoulfulSurvivor said a while back, I'm taking in all the advice and trying to work out what's best for myself. And like they also suggested, I'm probably still in a bit of denial over the whole thing. I hung out with him yesterday and he didn't seem different at all, he was a very normal, silly guy. I can't picture him being violent to his girlfriend or abusive in a relationship. I haven't confronted him yet about it; I'm not sure if he know I know, because I was told through several different friends who were told by him or his parents. I think it's kind of like the elephant in the room- we both know its there, but neither of us wants to talk about it.
But I'm certainly not in complete denial. I know what he's done, and it still horrifies me. He's in counseling, I now know, though I think its still left over from the suicide attempt. Speaking of which, some people have gotten the wrong impression about that, I think. It wasn't him being manipulative to me or anyone else- he was legitimately in deep depression, two states away from his friends. No one knew it was going to happen, he hadn't threatened us or reached out for help. He just slit his wrists and took a bunch of pills, and would have died if not for a luckily timed visit from his RA. And he fought back like hell, apparently.
I feel like I need to talk to him, not only to straighten out the facts but also to encourage him in his counseling and to try and keep him away from his girlfriend (though talking has never helped in the past on that account). I don't know how I can help him change beyond that. But I still feel uncomfortable around him, knowing that he was violent, even though it's not really fear for myself. It's more like not being able to unite the image of him and of being an abuser in my head. It suddenly feels like I don't know him at all. And that there's a lot underneath his surface.
I had a friend named Donna. She was a pathological liar. And she spent her entire time trying to divide people. But she was beautiful and charismatic and very exciting. I was very good friends with her for about 6 years (and her husband too).
So many people told me that she was messed up, but I remained loyal and defended her. Until in the end she had managed to put a divide between me and almost every other friend I had. She was like an abusive husband, come to think of it.
I finally saw the real person in the end. What a shock!
I'm sure you love this guy. I know what it means to really love a friend. Just be careful, he sounds like he might require much more help than you can give him. If he stops going to counseling, you may very well become the counselor. I'm not saying to not be a good friend, but there is a certain protection you need to afford yourself. You could easily get sucked into his dysfunction.....Do you know what I mean?
Not everyone getts sucked in we each have our own dynamic....This is for you, if you choose to try it it may be helpful MB
Not every one has had yur experience in life (lives) and each will have a different level of tolerance and love
BETWEEN THE WORDS
A Radical Healing Practice
Our wounds become encoded
in our language. With our own words,
we hold our own wounds in power and in place.
And as the ground of wounds becomes the ground
of disease...as learning a new language,
can remove the ground of wounds,
then introducing a new idea of language,
what healing may come?
'Between The Words' is a new idea of language...
an expanded idea.
You will be surprised at how swiftly
the sign for 'pause' (hands folded in front
of you with the two little fingers pointing upwards
to form a steeple) breaks the hold of wounded language...
how swiftly this hand sign liberates us from the baggage
that has accumulated, gathered, mustered
around our wordage...our tone, our pace, our sense
of words. As the sign for 'pause' eases us into the space
between the words, we notice the words are getting
smaller and smaller. At the same time, we notice
the space itself is getting bigger and bigger
until we are swimming in a sea of stars.
We have entered a whole new territory.
It is a territory with its own language.
Words start surfacing from a whole new place
inside of us. We have fallen between the cracks
in the floor of our conceptual mind
and found our soul is there.
From our own new language, our own speaking...
from the real language of our soul,
we are receiving healing. Please write a paragraph
about the event that is taking place in the meeting
of the two letters 'h' and 'i' in the word 'hi'.
We can share our paragraphs with each other.
There are more hand signs to tell you about.
I ask to share this study
with individuals and groups.
I have a friend in her late 20s who had a very (verbally, mostly) abusive boyfriend for a couple of years. (She is not a "crazy bitch," I'll add -- although I have seen many women friends turn into just that when trying to stay in a relationship with a man who is difficult -- I'd ask you to reconsider your opinion of his girlfriend, as she may be a horrible person at the core, or she might have become one trying to change herself into the perfect GF for your friend.) Anyway, my friend Lori tried everything she could to love this guy, and they finally broke up when he dumped her for someone else. It was just as well as he seems to have forgotten her name by the end, and instead called her things like, well, "Crazy Bitch"!
He was in, as I imagine your friend must be, too, a great deal of pain. He had served a tour in Iraq and come back with some PTSD problems from that time, although he drank alocholically before he went (though it got worse when he came back). Anyway, he was a pretty miserable person (and I say that not in the mean or perjorative way, because I actually like this guy a lot and always have) but just carrying around a lot of pain that he didn't know what to do with. Real anger that he could not understand and explain, so he drank and was ugly instead.
Anyway, a few days ago Lori sent me an e-mail he wrote her apologizing for his behaviour, and where you could tell he had really done some work on understanding what he had done, how it affected her, etc. It was not about his wanting to get back together with her, or anything like that -- it was just the result of getting real clarity on the source of his problems (rage, fear) and how they manifested (drinking, being abusive with those less powerful than he). He said he would be willing to go to any lengths to make right his wrongs with her, although she was in real tears of gratitide about just getting the amends and seeing that he was doing better than better -- that he finally seemed to be free of what had haunted him and triggered all of his terrible behaviour around her.
Whatver the immediate "cause" of your friend's violence toward his girlfriend, at its root is fear, which manifests as anger and violent behaviour toward his girlfriend for him. (If not, he turns it inward toward himself and you have the suicide attempt.) The problem with the angry violence is that it is probably beyond your friend's control (i.e. when people say, "It was like a switch just flipped" and then they got violent). It is probably as hard for him to understand this as it is for you to understand it. If he is rational, kind, etc. most of the time (i.e. around you), then likely he is not a fundamentally violent person (i.e. the kind who should be locked up forever) but someone who is really suffering inside and doesn't have the tools to get beyond that. (And probably should not be involved in an intimate relationship, though that is just my opinion.)
Your strength as a friend is your biggest asset. You obviously care about him, and see a lot of good in him (or you would not be seeking advice and experience from a bunch of strangers). This is a great time to communicate this to him, as he is probably, as I mentioned above, very confused, and also beating himself up, so to speak, over this. (NB: I am not excusing his behavior.) Part of what we do as friends for people is to love them unconditionally, and that may include, in this situation for you, to offer that support and to abstain from judgment (by the same token, you can't support any excuse he may offer for his behaviour, either). Something along the lines of, "You are such a good person, and I sense that you are as baffled by this as I am." Another part of being a friend is seeing the best in people, and this would be a good time to point out what you like about him, and why you are his friend in the first place. With another goal concomitant in friendship, which is to stand by someone as they make an effort to heal, get better, and mend their lives.
I hope your friend gets to the same place as my friend's ex-boyfriend did, where he is able to understand and change and move on. It's great you are concerned and helpful -- so many people in your place would not know what to do, and would stay away from their friend as a result, leaving them more isolated, lonely, and depressed. Give him a call and say, "I know all of this is hard for you but I am here for you," and I'm sure it will make both of you feel better. He really needs your support.
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Re: Sorry, pal... 
