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These thoughts and reasoning mechanisms are very normal in ocd. Let it go. Part of ocd is having thoughts that are terrifying to the person and that induce guilt with the fear of punishment. All normal. So....... When you notice one of these thoughts, just notice it, shrug your shoulders, and let it go. Don't grasp on it, fight it, or try to reason as to the why of the thought. This will only catapult you into that vicious cycle you are so familiar with already.
To make you feel better, no, you in no way meant that. Otherwise you would not be so worried. And you are afraid of retribution. Rest assured, God is not going to strike you dead or send you to hell. God knows you and he knows your heart. He knows your illness and all he wants is your healing and happiness. God understands.
Are you seeing a therapist? On any meds? And here is the million dollar question. What is your diet like? Now, get rid of the sugar, starches, processed foods and fast foods. Get rid of all types of sodas. They are part of the reason for your condition. The other part is emotional, but if you get the food part down, you will notice you will feel so much better. Okay. Here is a link. Read it and then towards the bottom you will see the link for a Hypoglycemic Diet. Follow it to the letter.
Next, I am going to give you a link for the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Read up on it. There is a section for panic and anxiety.
And these YouTube Videos will help you grasp and practice EFT.
EFT must be practiced daily, a few times a day. And when you feel the symptoms, start tapping. You will see what I mean by that last phrase.
Lastly, Curezone has an EFT forum. Why don't you join it so you can learn more about it and also maybe get pointers from others.
I hope I have helped you. I once was where you are. Through a healthy lifestyle, proper nutrition, and supplements, I am now fine. Yes, it is very possible for you to live a happy life, and what's more, you deserve it.
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