I notice that because I have gotten so angry then made up with my lady friend,
the more and more my feelings of infatuation disappear and the more genuine
feelings that actually arise afterwards.
I become so infuriated and pissed off because of stupid things like jealousy
and I become so enraged and upset with her.Then when I cool off and think
about all the little things she does to show me that she really cares,it
really makes me see how much she actually does and I really do appreciate it all.
Does anger and then making up bind us tighter together?
It seems like though she has hurt me,I have felt hurt and badly in the past
with her..it seems like,I can now deal with being angry with her without
having to hate her or just call it quits for some reason or another.
I can actually tolerate it all and willing to deal with it..why?
I don't know..I usually just give up on people and just say 'fawk it' lol.
But now it's like,it's okay..no matter how pissed off I get,no matter
how much bad feelings that may arise,no matter what..when the smoke
clears..I still CARE about her,very much so in spite of how badly
I may have felt towards her.
I don't understand any of this other then I DO feel badly for treating
her so poorly in the past and I still do feel badly at times.
I really do like her but at times she just frustrates me so so so so
much to the point of just throwing my hands up in the air.
I fight the feelings that arises when I think of her and when we are
together,only because I am afraid of being totally consumed by her...
I like her so much though so afraid of letting her in.
I know I am going into major defensive mode,but that's just 'my thing'.
Whenever someone get's too close,I push them away,
I pick fights,I get upset with them,I tell myself..it's over for good!
though deep inside I care about them terribly..so friggin' terribly.
I don't want to loose her but then again I can't totally be with her..
it just sucks because she is giving me so many chances and has so much
patience with me,I just wish I had the same level as she did.
I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings and thoughts
it really does bother me.I have changed my ways so much for this girl it's
not even funny.
I just wish I could treat her better and see all the things that she
does for me instead of being totally consumed by all the delusional
jealously issues that arise in my mind...
I am no angel,I have hurt her feelings so many times in the past.
I just hope it's not too late to make a change and that she still
cares about me as deeply as I care about her.
I am just so afraid of this one because of how much she has effected me
in so so so little time.I know we are good for one another,but it's just
that I get in my own way so many times...
Is this the same Rygar who posted "weird feelings", completely whiny and absorbed in the "pretty, petite" package until she had sex with you? Amazing you've been able to establish a relationship at all, given all the issues you describe about yourself.
No, anger does not bind; you're just grateful she didn't dump you after being an ass. And making up after a fight re-ignites the old feelings. But in the long run, anger is very destructive and will eventually kill any good feelings she has for you.
Frankly, your sexual and anger issues indicate a testosterone overdose! I believe you can psycho-analyze yourself until the cows come home but see no dfference because of this hormonal imbalance. Haven't you noticed that not everyone has the anger and sexual obsessions you have?
I know some will disagree...I was the same way, convinced that every problem had a psychological basis. And it can be helpful, but YOUR problem is different than that.
I would take a hormone balancer like saw palmetto for a few weeks. If you notice a BIG difference in your anger issues, you'll know it's a simple hormonal problem. If not, I'd check myself in somewhere for a MAJOR psych analysis!
Saw P can't hurt you, but it may change your life. Give it a try and let us know. Obviously, ruminating is getting you nowhere.
I really cleaned up my act with her and we dated til now.
We had ALOT of fun and did so many things I never thought I'd be
doing..all up until jealously reered it's ugly head and I just
lost it and the anger kinda just lingered for awhile,for like
the last two weeks and I just can't escape it.
I just get so jealous and am so afraid of loosing her to someone
else that I just totally flip out.I think I might really have lost
her this time because this is not the first time I became upset with
her..she is really sweet and nice but I don't think she can handle
or deal with me when I become upset..and rightfully so,she is so
young (21) and inexperienced and I am nearly 30(28).
It's just that it's so hard to try and communicate to her in a way
that registers 'why' I become so angry with her but it's like she
understands but she doesn't..even if I talk to her in a way that's
'simple'.It's like she doesn't understand the magnitude in which
she pisses me off at times.
I really do like her alot but what the heck is going on?
I am willing to work through things with her but she is like me,
when she is angry she is angry but then she just shuts me out
and I HATE that the most..at least talk to me.
Okay,be mad at me but DO NOT shut me out because that will just
anger me more..but then again I guess I DO deserve to be in the
dog house for being so mean to her at times.
I just wish I knew of a more constructive way to express my
real issues to her and release some of this anger I feel in a
more constructive way instead of just loosing it.
I don't yell at her or anything,I just act out alot and become
very assholish in general..she can tolerate it I guess but I just
keep pushing it until I reach her limit..just to get a reaction
out of her,if she get's mad I know it's because she cares..
if she didn't then it would'nt even effect her at all.
Not the best way to deal with things,I know.
I really want to make things work out between us but I am just
so lost in how to deal with certain things like this.Then there is
that lingering feeling of resentment afterwards and we are
both kinda on eggshells with one another..it sucks.
):
I really did change my ways so much with this girl and for the
better,my moods and my jealousy especially are such burdens though...
Sorry you don't like it, but the reason you are attracted to a much younger person is because of your low maturity level - people are attracted to others with the same maturity level, as well as the same mental and emotional illnesses to play them out, but not cure them...got it? Let me remind you of your own nasty comments:
"not only did I just sleep with her but she also confessed her 'true feelings' for me,as if we were meant for each other or something lol." LOL!
"I told her that though I liked her it really isn't what she thought it was..
whoops,I guess my coming on so strongly she mistook it for something else,as if I wanted her so badly or something lol..umm,I like her but not 'that' much." LOL!
"I was right,I just don't like her the way I used to
anymore,not sure why but it all just went awayin the beggining I was the one that was so obessessed over her and all this non-sense,but in the end it turned out to be her -the one that got hurt and wanted me so badly lol."LOL!
"She should have I am so over her,she could croak in her sleep for all I care lol." LOL!
"now what? am I supposed to care? My feelings are as fleeting as the sunlight in an alasakan winter" LOL?
"be it attention,affection,desire or lust and when I felt as if I got it,my feelings go away.but at the first sign of trouble I bailed lol." LOL!
Lot's of "lol" here for such an unhappy guy.
I'm sure gf would be proud to hear all you have to say about having sex with her, especially the "croak in her sleep" remark...see what I mean about immaturity?
The truth is that only a desperate woman who doesn't like herself would have sex with someone she doesn't really know on the first date. See why you two found each other ? It's not about love or caring, but your own issues. Got it? You put yourself and your issues up for grabs here, and that includes her. Got it?
Lastly, it's clear why you are so unsuccessful in relationships...YOU DON'T LISTEN!!!! I'm sure gf doesn't appreciate this, also.
All you want to do is whine "I'm such an %¤#&!§-...POOR ME!" Wouldn't it be a relief to know it's all biological?
You can go on, angry and frustrated and unloved, for the rest of your life, or you can spend $20 and 2 weeks on saw palmetto and change your life forever for the better. You sound like you'd rather revel in your unhappiness.
I know you may think you are some sort of genius with your copy and paste skills
and all but looks like you should take your own advice about LISTENING or in this
case READING.
That was what?
a few months ago?
so what part of I CHANGED my ways for the better did you not understand?
you just assumed that by reading old posts that I was treating her the same way?
the same way I treated other girls I could care less about.
get a clue lol.
And all this crap about maturity level blah blah blah..okay,go it,whatever mumbo
jumbo.
The truth is,we have ALOT of fun together and though she may be young-
that's the part I love about her most.The unrefined innocence,her quirks,
just the way she is...still so optimistic and bright eyed to everything that
she encounters.There are alot of things that I purposely had to change about myself
just to make things work and right here right now TRUST is a big one of the
factors because for the longest time I used to be one of those guys that's like
'my girl is MY girl and no one elses'.The girl is perfectly
fine maturity speaking and with her self-esteem.She is going back to college
and motivated me into doing so as well.She is helping me quit smoking,drinking
and getting back into health again because I have neglected it for so long.
She really is the lil bit of sunshine left in my ever changing moody and
often dark and depressing life,without meeting her,feeling as much as we did,
and gone through and experienced all that we did ,the good and the bad-
I highly doubt that I would have ever felt anything ever again for anyone.
In the long run it was her heart and innocence that made me see her as how she
really is,of course at the start of it all i was wrong to come on so strong,seducing her,romancing her with my letters and ultimately advancing it to a physical level
so soon..she just turned 21 and she just didn't know any better because I know that
in order to effect someone the most is to entice and induce as many exciting and
new feelings as possible in as short a time as possible before they can even think
about what they are feeling..you know the term 'sweep her off her feet'?
...well that's exactly what I did and that's what I continue to do.
I still find new and interesting,exciting ways to keep things fun and adventurous
between us,because that's just how I am.
My ex love(26)of my past even came back after me and this girl got in a fight
and though I took time off to spend time with her (my ex) I couldn't fight
the feelings that I have for the girl I am with now...so I chose her.it's not
just a 'crush' or whatever.With both of these girls I have been through so
much in so little time and felt so much that I will never be the same-
I made so many mistakes but also made so many things right for both of them
and for me.
I know I can be a cranky,moody,irate and a mean mean mean dirty rotten
no good %¤#&!§-at times but you know what?
my heart is in the right place and with the help of these girls,I realized
that there is still alot of heart and good in me that I really thought
was dead for a long long long time.
I used to think that I wanted to be with alot of girls..when I realize now
that I don't want a dozen different girls but one special one,be it this
one or not- I know what I want,what to do and how to deal and take things
as they come and it's not always from doing what works that got me to this
point but making mistakes (often many) and learning from them,really really
learning from them...
also I'd like to add that with every time I have became upset and angry
at her,once the smoke clears and I am thinking right-
I realize the more and more the infatuation wanes down and the more
genuine feelings arise afterwards.
I felt bad of course,I felt guilty for becoming so upset and I realize
that it's not right to become so angry over something so trivial nor
taking it out on her.
It actually made me question alot of my thoughts and actions and
see them how they really are,what's really going on and not just
what I 'think' is going on.It also made me treat her alot better,
how she deserves to be treated and what's ultimately ...
right.
The cycle of becoming angry,realization and being humbled by it-
that part of it I feel has binded me in a way tighter to her,
instead of if everything was just smooth sailing and calm waters all the time...
In answer to your question, yes... anger can bind people together just as any strong emotion can. Also much of what you are describing is not specific to men, so the problem is not simply a function of too much testosterone.
I am guessing that you may have a considerable fear of true intimacy, which is extremely common for both men and women. I would elaborate on this further, however, I am quite pressed for time. I just wanted you to know that I have some understanding of what you are going through and that you are not a 'bad' person. Many of your behaviors are inappropriate, although they are an indication of your own pain and fears.
actually...true intimacy is what I am looking for though in the past I always thought
it revolved around sex or afterwards ie;holding them and talking lol.
I noticed that when were being intimate,this girl as well as my ex-
though I was aware of it taking place I was kinda lost in how to react to it,
and I just kinda held them as we were talking,I felt 'close' to them
and we did share those moments together,though I felt strong emotions I did
feel a sort of disconnection in a way,like I was still somewhat distant..
though there.
It's the same though alot more subtle then passionate sex ...
I know I have anger issues but alot of it revolves around fear,actual
fear of losing them,either to someone else or them just disappearing one day.
I am not afraid per say to be alone but more so of sheer abandonment,
being that I have been abandoned alot in the past,be it friends,lovers,
girlfriends etc. and it wasn't always my wrong doing but circumstances,
life and shit just happening..I know,toughen up!~
make it through but how you do that when one hasn't ever gotten over that
issue?
Now it's like I am always the one who calls it quits FIRST,as much as it
may hurt me I do it either consciously or sub-consciously.
You've got a whole lot of company! EVERYONE is looking for true intimacy, and very few experience it. (And to be very clear... true intimacy is far more than just sex and emotion. You are correct that it is a lot more subtle.) The majority of people don't know what it is... they only know that it is missing. And as much as people say that they want real intimacy in their life... they are also afraid of having it because they fear the loss of 'self'.
It doesn't surprise me that you have 'issues with anger' and that you are the first to end your relationships. The root of this is fear and an attempt to maintain control. In that way you won't be the one rejected. Rejection triggers one of the greatest and most primal fears for all of us... the fear of abandonment.
You asked... "make it through but how you do that when one hasn't ever gotten over that issue?"
Here's a couple of questions for you...
How are you abandoning yourself? And how do you reject you?
Let me also say this... I do not discount the psychological and physical factors at play here. However, from my perspective... this is more of an energetic and spiritual issue. And by that... I am not talking about religion. Actually the root of the word 'psychology' is 'psyche'. And although most people associate psychology solely with the mind... 'psyche' is a Latin word that also refers to the invisible animating force... breath, life, spirit, and the soul.
[Edit: You are welcome to post more about this on my forum, if you'd like. I will also check back here to see if you have replied to this post. However, I have no interest in wading through any further hostile posts in this thread. They do not serve to help anyone or promote any sort of healing, and I will not subject myself to unwarranted aggression and pain.]
"Also much of what you are describing is not specific to men, so the problem is not a function of too much testosterone."
No offense, but you don't know what you're talking about here...women can have an imbalance of testosterone as well as men. Please do you homework instead of just guessing! I know because it happened to me. And anger doesn't bind anyone together in the long run - why do you think R is almost 30 and never had a successful relationship?
Rkygar? - have you noticed that your last posting of "weird feelings" drew a HUMONGOUS response? Full of generous, loving people trying to support you but where are they now? Just like your gf, they don't want to get involved now as you showed your true colors then. You lost their support just as you lost your gf thru your own self-sabotaging behavior.
Honestly, no one wants to hear your continual "I'm such a jerk...poor me" whining. Get a journal if you refuse to help yourself.
..or maybe they aren't here to respond because they see how much I have progressed
though THESE postings and not so concerned with my last responses a few months back.
in the PAST eh?
(-:
people do change and for the better you know think about that one hot shot lol.
...why do you keep whining about the same issue? "I'm a jerk, I can't help it...what to do, what to do?" Why the same post over and over and over?
Don't kid yourself; you still have the same issue- your anger.
You say you've "improved", "changed"...How? You bite your tongue and repress the anger? But the anger is still there, always bubbling close to the surface and eventually you blow after repressing it a few times, right?
Still, that ugly angry feeling is always still there, eating at your soul for no good reason (bet you're REAL angry now!). Wouldn't it be wonderful to be like other people and NOT ANGRY all the time? NOT making a fool of yourself over nothing? Keeping a good woman, instead of being a hothead she's ashamed of?
If you really wanted to change, you'd do ANYTHING harmless to achieve that. But you're stubborn - another testo trait! So get used to being alone or attracting similarly-afflicted characters. Apparently gf has the good sense to see what the future would be like with "Testy".
I'm not going to coddle you like the responders to "weird feelings"; you learned nothing from that and repulsed them with your self-serving self-absorption! And came back with the same whining, the same issues. They've had enough of that crap and i'm sure gf has or will reach her limit soon.
It's very clear you "get off" on your little temper tantrums (WHOSE wound up? I don't have them!) like a little Napoleon (short, too?) It's become an addiction for you. And I'm sure you look forward to making a fool of yourself again and hurting her so you can experience the addiction cycle again. I can assure you SHE won't find your anger "binding".
It's time to wake up before you spend the NEXT 30 years in anger and frustration. Good luck...you'll need it. You're stuck in your own delusion and stubbornness; the "past" isn't 3 months ago. The best predictor of a person's future behavior is their past behavior. That will only stop when you lose the anger.
P.S. Those who don't even know that women have testosterone don't have any business commenting on it out of ignorance! And if ALL have "fear of intimacy", why doesn't everyone react with anger and violence like R? Because we are all different. What accounts for those differences? Partly biology.
...actually the 'anger' or what little of it I have left is the only thing
that is really holding me back in relationships.
I know that and am working on it.
it's not like I flip out over every last thing she does,I am actually
pretty laid back and detached most of the time.Kinda like whatever
whatever but some things do really urke me.
I know I am not a bad person and I am cool with it,no one is perfect by
any means.
(:
Most of the time I lost my cool was because either I was really in a bad mood,
hungry or just in a very bad state and I took whatever she said totally wrong.
We talked through alot of things and she understands that it's nothing personal
against her and it's just me and my own issues.Thankfully she isn't quick to
jump the gun (like most people) and still stick by my side,I know she sees
the good in me because though I may not show it all the time,she knows there
is plenty more to me then just 'my anger' or whatever.
She is very sweet and kind,has a very big heart and that's what attracts me
most to her.You wanna know about honesty? she is the one that tells me like
it is and even said to me to change my ways or else she WILL leave me.
We have been through alot together in such a short period of time and I will
be forever greatful for everything that has happened thus far.Just because
I have issues now doesn't mean that I will have them forever and just because
there is some difficulty now with some of my behaviors doesn't mean that
they will be forever either.
Unlike before where I'd just act out and scape goat on things (I am bipolar,
I am what I am etc.) I am willing to face the issues head on and deal with them
in real time..instead of just writing about it or trying to solve them
'in my head'.
dont mistake easy going for detached. Its easy to detach yourself and just not care or involve yourself and then claim you are relaxed. The secret is to care deeply with all your heart and be calm and at ease of who the other person is and not to freak out because things dont go your way....
I am not sure if it was because I care so deeply about her was the reason behind
me feeling so afraid of losing her or becoming jealous.
Thinking back,I was a fool to have become or feel so jealous in the first place.
With a full nights of sleep,a full stomach and clear mind it becomes
less and less of an issue.
It just seems like when stressed and out of it so to speak,
the smallest things seem to just trip me up..
I had a suspicion that it has more to do with my moods or bad state
then what was actually happening.
i really do just need to take a step back,quit trying to analyze everything
in those moments,let go a little and wait for the smoke to clear-
and then look back at things realistically instead of just a haze of
an emotional state or whatever I was in.
I was also too rushed to elaborate earlier, but I used to be like you - thinking psychology was the reason and answer to the human condition.
I still think psych has it's place, but it turns out biology is a major force in human behavior...yes, women have testosterone! All the jokes about women with little sex drive is not psychological ("romance her!"), but lack of sufficient testosterone. But we know women with strong sex drives; they also usually have the other testo issues - quick to anger, for instance. Haven't you noticed some women imitating some men's aggressive driving? Testo!
By the same token, we are not all born with the same amount of seratonin, the brain chemical that makes you feel good. Those without are the depressed who can't "snap out of it". Some believe that drug addiction and alcoholism may have a lack of seratonin to blame...those without seek out substances that supply the brain with the chemical they lack.
I know we've been blaming others and their "screwed up" psychology since Freud, but we have a lot to more to learn about the human body.
Lastly, how many real issues have been "cured" by psychology? Let's face it; NONE. And we've been at the psych thing for how long? Yet the afflicted keep going around and around and around with no relief, like R. It's intellectual masturbation.
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does anger bind?? 
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