2 years ago my daughter (a single mother) began dating a sociopath. Within a month of dating this person, He had moved in with her and her children. He did not have a job or a car. When we were introduced, he told me stories of being in Iran as a marine, and served 2 tours of duty. He also gave me a false last name. i felt very uncomfortable around him, and I'm sure he sensed this. My daughter started bringing the babys over more frequently, and on occasion the oldest (only 3 at the time) would cry and cling to me when i would bring him home. Within the same month, he also called the police on the father of the children when he came to visit them, telling police that he had hit him. The father did have a warrant for not paying traffic fines, and the sociopath knew this and had him arrested in front of his children. he stole money from my daughter so often that she eventually couldnt pay her rent. Within 6 months of dating her, my daughter contracted std, but was told by him that she must have had it for over a year when she was still with her ex, and subsequently gave it to him. by this time the police had been called twice for domestic disturbance.
The sociopath got a job on a boat which my daughter brought breakfast to, and found him with another woman. This is just the beginning! my daughter was kicked out of what would be the first many places they lived.
I found out finally after a year of prodding that he had 2 of his own children from 2 different mothers, which he is not allowed to see. he had many lies as to why he didnt see them.
Finally my daughter and her children came to live with me as they had nowhere to go. he started sneaking into my home at night. I caught him sleeping in my own car in my driveway. I told him I would call the police, and he started mocking me by jumping on and off the curb to the street and saying, "Go ahead, Im not on your property"I was very frightened of him at the time. My daughter seemed to have an excuse for everything he did, often
using post traumatic syndrome one of them. eventually she borrowed money to get a new place, which he immediately moved into. within 2 months I started noticing that the children were dirty and often only brought over in diapers. She was beginning to neglect them. I had them 3 to 4 times a week by this time.
Finally i went to talk to her neighbors, who informed me that the children were often on their own outside, and when questioned, would say "mommys sleeping" or "I dont have a daddy" The neighbors also said that they fought daily. This was 1 year ago! I picked up my grandchildren and they have been with me ever since. Her place was disgusting! not fit to live in.
My daughter has been brought here by the police with bruises, been fired from 5 jobs, as he shows up at every job and causes a scene. She no longer comes to family functions and sees the children maybe once or twice a month. She has become his victim.
The thing I dont understand is that she used to be a good mother. A kind and loving person. How could she choose this sociopath over her children. By the way, she also caught him with a hooker while she was sleeping in her own house! he also has a very bad gambling problem. This is just the tip of the iceburg of MANY horrible things he has done to my daughter and our family. I have almost completely cut off contact with her in order to keep the children away from her, because she will lie and bring the kids around him every time.
i have sent many articles and web sites depicting him to a T as a sociopath, and she knows he is, but chooses to support his horrible lifestyle. I am at my wits end. I wish there was something that someone could say to help her see what is happening. She is in complete denial. I am heart broken.
On a good note, The children are thriving with me and my husband. Their father has moved in with us and is working and taking very good care of them while he gets back on his feet. We have all been victimized by this sociopath. What can I do?
I'm guessing that your daughter has poor self-esteem since she goes running back to this psycho everytime. It's also possible that she is suffering from depression or another mental illness. If that's the case, then only she can make the decision to work on her problems. Other than that, if she is mentally ill, check your state laws regarding involuntarily committing an adult child for observation. In some states, this is possible, in other states it's not. However, I'm guessing that in states where involuntarily committment is allowed, she would have to be proven to be a danger to herself or others...
Bless you for taking in your grandchildren! I was relieved to read that you have custody of them! Those poor children need to be in a stable, loving environment. It sounds like their father wants to be a part of their life. At least they have one parent who does right by them.
No doubt, it is gut-wrenching for you to see your daughter in this situation. However, she is an adult and can do what she wants.
As for the psycho --- if you haven't already, get a restraining order. Go to your local police station and they will help you with the process. Once you get it, if he violates it, call the police and have him arrested. Your daughter should do the same thing but, sadly, you can't force her to do so.
Call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Tell the person on the other end of the line everything you wrote here. Ask for advice on dealing with this situation. They can refer you to local organizations that your daughter can turn to for help. Once you have that info, pass it along to your daughter. Let her know that you will be supportive of her should she seek to get her act together. Tell her that if she decides to live with you and the kids that the psycho is forbidden to come on to your property. Be sure you have the restraining order out on him.
So...you can offer her a lifeline but it is up to her to take it. First and foremost --- your job is to protect your grandchildren. If their father continues to prove he is a competent parent, always be sure that he is in their lives. Eventually, I would imagine, the goal would be for them to be with him full-time if your daughter can't get her act together.
Good luck with everything! And, once again, bless you for being there for your grandchildren.
Blue Rose is spot-on. Seek a restraining order and keep everything documented - calls, visits, etc., so that you have plenty of evidence that this guy is dangerous. And, be prepared that the courts may not rule as harshly as you wish.
Be very cautious about diagnosing anyone as a "sociopath." Rather, use the term, "fits the profile of a sociopath." The reason to do this is simply because it makes the survivors sound like ranting lunatics, especially in court.
Under no circumstances should you discuss your daughter's personal issues, the boyfiend's issues, or any other ADULT issues in front of or with the children. They have no choice as to whom they were born to, and they don't have the capacity to process everything that has happened, to date. Leave the children out of all court proceedings, unless it's required by the courts as a ruling.
There is absolutely nothing that you can do for your daughter other than to be there when she makes her decision to leave. Focusing your energy on trying to "save" her is a losing battle and one that misdirects your focus from the innocent children onto a situation over which you have no control. She is going to have to make her decision (or, not) at some point. Having Survived domestic violence/abuse, it took me a long, long time to accept that I had made a really stupid choice by picking my ex and to begin formulating a plan to get the heck out. Please, forgive your daughter for her status as a victim and continue to let her know that you can provide a safe haven without judgement. Having said that, it's very important for you to maintain your personal boundaries even with your daughter.
I recommend a site that specifically addresses sociopathy: www.lovefraud.com Additionally, I recommend www.ndvh.org and (as much as I hate to say it) Social Services. You're going to need backup for your grandchildren in the way of counseling/therapy/positive guidance, possible restraining order(s), financial support, and your own individual counseling so that you will be able to define and maintain boundaries with your daughter.
Blue Rose
Thank you for listening and for your words of support. Yes, I believe that my daughter suffers from very low self esteem issues. Also I believe she may suffer from depression. Her father died in a plane crash when she was only 10 yrs old. We did seek counseling, but only briefly. By the time she was 17, She she came to me and asked to see a specialist for her depression, which I complied. She was a very active teen with many friends and excelled in gymnastics and cheerleading which she eventually quit both during her high school years. In retrospect, I am kicking myself for not pushing her more towards a phsycologist so she could work on the inside. She is now so busy being obsessed with her "phsyco" that she has no time for her children or herself. The entire day evolves around this horrid person. I dont have legal custody of the children and would like to find out if I can get a restraining order for him to stay away from the children. I do have several documents (police reports, text messages, ect.) that I am saving. Its been such a process to this point that we are all exhausted just trying to keep him away from the children. I will take your advise and get try to get a restraining order for at least me and my home. The children are on a great schedule and have made little friends in my neighborhood. We are happy, but always have my daughter on our minds. Once again thankyou for your kind words and advise.
I would urge you to seek legal custody, ASAP. All the mother has to do is to demand that you return her children, and that's it. Unless an agency has "recommended" that the children remain in your custody, you don't have "legal" custody regardless of how dire their living conditions were. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true: the legal system has no feeling where upholding the Law is concerned. So, please, take steps to gain legal custody of your beautiful grandchildren.
...And just wanted to add this: Since the children's father is also living with you, you need to work out custody arrangements with him. I'm assuming his name is on the children's birth certificates naming him as the father? If so, then he may also want full custody. Have a talk with him about this. Just note---since he and your daughter never married, even though the birth certificates recognize him as the father, he may have to undergo DNA testing. My brother, who was never married to the mother of his kids, had to undergo such testing when he filed for full custody of their kids.
Either way, you and/or the father must take legal steps to make sure that your daughter doesn't have custody (at least until she gets her act together). I know I'm preaching to the choir when I tell you this but it bears repeating---the well-being of the children always comes first.
Best of luck with everything. You are doing right by the children and I know you will continue to do so.
Soulsurvivor
Forgive me, I am new to this forum and have replied to the wrong person..Twice!
I appreciate the time that you have given to me. i was feeling very alone in this battle of a sociopath of ours. I will pull up the links that you have provided. and as I told Bluerose will seek to get a resraining order. I will continue to raise the children, with their father in my home,as they are the innocent victims of this horrible tragedy. Although I do try to refrain myself from talking of issues in front of the children, I have caught myself stupidly voicing my opinion of this "man" and their mommy. I will work harder on this. Thank you again, and I am relieved to have found this site. I have a voice now.
Hang in there, okay? The reason that we don't discuss the evil deeds of the children's parents (in divorce, as well) is that the children often feel responsible for the choices of their parent(s). It's because they haven't developed the necessary Life's Experiences to process what is happening, and too often people throw the children into the fray without meaning to. Certainly, others do it with clear intention.
LoveFraud.com will help to thoroughly explain sociopathy and the ramifications of sociopathic choices.
Best wishes to you, my dear. And, work on getting legal custody as soon as you possibly can!
As an retired Probation and Parole Officer I am quite familiar with the situation being described here. I must say you have been give very good advice here.
I want to talk about your daughters position and again Bluerose is on the right track, that your daughter must be suffering from depression or at least a very low self-esteem, not being able to stand up to a person who is obviously harming her.
It may not only be a low self-esteem but a real fear of of being harmed by the other person. This should be watched. It often happens that women with a low self-esteem - primary sign of depression - will identify with her stalker. Despite their differences they may have something in common.
I usually aim at treating the woman's depression and then teach her Assertiveness training Program, as described in the following articles:
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My daughter's sociopath 
