i recently have met this girl where there is something about her that makes me feel something something totally different than any other girl or anything. ITs like she treiggerd me remembering that i was sexually abused. She is just like me and shows all the signs of sexua| abuse. When im alone in a room with her i feel like im sick and almost like the whole universe is spinning or something like that.ALmost like its takin me back to that traumatizing moment that i cant quite get a grasp on. I sometimes feel like my heads in the sky or something like that. like im not in my body. But then other times i feel normal around her. I feel deep down inside that i was sexually abused wen i was younger its like a memory that is not my own like he got sexually abused not me but it is me. i can remember when i was little a older man but i cant remember what he looked like i remember when i was young me and his 2 sons who were my age going in his hot tub naked and then something bad happening at that time in my life i dont know
I was going to ask how old you are but then I noticed that you also posted something similar where you mentioned that you are 16 years old.
You need to get to the bottom of this and find out what exactly happened. Is there any chance you could discuss this with your parents? Unless you feel that they were the ones abusing you, talking to them would be a good first step. Tell them all you remember about the man, his sons and the hot tub. If you have a good, loving relationship with your parents, then they will also want to get to the bottom of this.
it wasnt my parents but i was wondering if u could help me figure out wats rong. i remember when i was a really happy kid who felt connected to the world never shy and fearless. and loved girls an always played little kissing games with them in my grade school days. But around 4th grade it all changed i was really shy around girls and wen ever i would get close to one doing something sexally to them felt like i was doing something bad to them or like something was missing. i would get nervous to even talk to poeple and can never get serious its like theres a mental block and i just push them away almost make them not like me like doing the opposite of wat i really want. i think this could be just me changing or me getting sexually abused as a child. after from that point on i was always sad about something and never could be happy doing things. i would tell my self maybe im just smarter then other humans or differnt. becuase i couldnt engage in things like others like being in the moment and happy i would feel like i was watching myself do it or watching my own life and jsut sitting back its wierd i cant explain it and wen i met this girl it felt like she was the same thing i was like i could finally connect the puzzle and thats wen the bad memory was coming back but i can nver quite remember it
Please take the advice I gave you in my last post. With all due respect, without knowing you and without knowing the full details of your life story, I'm not in a position to tell you what is going on.
Again, please tell your parents about your vague memory about the man, his sons and the hot tub. With that info, your parents may well be able to help you put the pieces together.
Again, if you aren't comfortable talking to them about this (if you're not comfortable, then you should do some soul-searching to find out why if you don't know the reason for being uncomfortable), call the 800 number I gave you in the last post---or at least take a look at the weblink I posted.
Whatever is going on, it is imperative that you get to the bottom of it. Best of luck.
Blue Rose gave you direction to resources - use it. She is 100% spot-on that you need to get a grip on this, and asking for anyone in an online discussion forum to determine your reality is not a good idea. Sure, any number of CZ members could whip out a "diagnostic assessment," but only face-to-face and in-person counseling/therapy will unlock this door.
For me, there is much of my childhood that is a blur or even missing. I have no desire to unlock those closed doors and choose, instead, to work with what I have in the here-and-now. Certainly, our pasts have a direct connection to who we are and our choices, but dwelling on the past can become a dangerous obsession. If you truly believe that you were abused or molested, whether it was family, neighbor, or friend, do something about it for your Self (Self = soul). Only you have the ability to explain what's going on in relation to past events.
im not gonna go out and say i was sexually abused to anyone unless im sure, i was thinking u guys could help me find out.
First i want to say that starting off wen i was little i was always happy about almost everything , always wanting to show off and and be the center of attention. Now this is almost like another kid that i once new that is no longer there, its like i was re born some day in my child hood to be depressed and sad and dissociated from my self. since this past month i had just discovered this about my self. because since that bad turn in my child hood i felt like i was fearless and had the most self confidence in the world and always was so iinto girls . but i just remember me sometime in myy childhood having something bad happen to me and me just not remembering or something and just telling my self i guess this is the way life is( i was not mature enough to no that i was just very depressed and distant from others not distant but having trouble opening up me to poeple and just always feeling distant from them even though there right there.)i just started to discover this wen i met this girl who i feel is just like me and its almost wirerd how i feel like shes so very different from everyone else very pretty but so scared of everything and no one nos it except me its like she puts up the same wall i do and its like that for no other person.i jsut want to say i started smoking pot a year ago and it was like a jault of something new and like a new person, and now since ive been smoking for a year idk if im goin crazy and making this up in my head (i dont think that at all). every one always told me im so good looking but its like there not telling me its wierd wen i look my self in the mirror i see a person its me but its just like somehting blocked out. but wen ever i try to think back to that traumatizing moment or thinking i had a traumatizing moment it hurts my head and makes me feel numb and almost thoughtless i was just trying to see someone elses opinion oon this
i also want to say that wen i was a child i was into girls my own age and loved them and felt like i had so much love to give to the world and everyone. but then something totally switched off the light in the world and it turned black and depressing. since going through middle school and high school ive never been in girls my own age but older women for some reason. its like im not sexually attracted to them like its a turn off or wen i look into there eyes isee coldness or something. like im blocking off something stored so far away from that traumatizig moment.. and i feel like doing something sexually to them is not rong but not fun or exciting its like numbness . i no im not into dudes f*** something happened man wen i was little and its not cool if im either thinking this happend or it really did happen. its like almost my own mind adjusted to that moment almost in numbness like u still have to live ur own life ur own body that was sexually abused like almost like u have to live but only watch ur self live not actually be there its a bad feeling
Quite frankly, it's not unusual for anyone to experience a detachment at that age. Someone may have shown an overabundance of kindness or cruelty - a teacher may have said, "Trees are not purple, so don't ever even entertain the notion that you're going to be an artist," or a neighbor could have said, "If you don't calm down, you'll never amount to anything good." In that instant, some female who was much older may have put their arm around you and demonstrated unconditional love and support, and that could have triggered a lifelong view of women, sexuality, and what should be considered "desirable" from that moment on. Having said that, who knows? I'm not qualified to render an assessment or explanation for your current issues, especially, online. There could also be a completely sinister reason for your current issues. Either way, I am not in a position to render the assistance that you're demanding.
You're not going to come out and tell someone that you've been sexually abused unless you know that you were? I'm going to state a clear fact about counseling and good, strong therapy: you will never "know" the truth unless you get over this incessant need for confirmation or refute, whether you're involved in counseling, or not. Some people never "know" the facts of their childhood, and it's okay because they choose to work with what they have available in the here-and-now. Some things are better left in the basement, so to speak, and bringing those things out into the light of day can produce catastrophic results, sometimes.
My first suggestion to you is to take a break from the weed. I know this from personal experience. Smoking weed on a regular basis (NOT in the sense of a spiritual ritual or occasional indulgence) can seriously cloud reality. After reading and re-reading your post, I'm going to hazard a guess that you're smoking on a regular basis and not as an occasional indulgence or a spiritual ritual. If I'm incorrect, then I apologize for my assumption.
My second suggestion to you is to put your education as a priority. With education comes knowledge. With knowledge comes power.
My third suggestion to you is to involve yourself in counseling/therapy if these issues have become too complicated for you to manage on your own. There is absolutely NO shame or stigma to saying, "You know, this has gotten out of hand, and I need to find the tools to help me manage my Self." This all boils down to you taking responsibility for your Self. I could type here, all day, and give you various scenarios for why you're experiencing these issues and, sad to say, not one of them could be even near the mark. One post, one reply, and one rebuttal does not promote personal growth and/or healing, under any circumstances.
I dont believe you need a hotline. I believe you need to talk to your parents or a school counselor. Many young people think something is wrong with them and start searching for self diagnosis.
But in my opinion, what you are going through is 100% natural! Puberty can cause a lot of strange and new feelings and emotions. You need to realize that you are not alone, you are not the only one. Feelings and actions dont fix themselves though, so if you feel you have lost confidance and you dont like that about yourself, change it. Get involved with sports, theater, martial arts...something to give yourself a sense of belonging and productiveness. Only you have the power to improve yourself.
I dont think it is "weed" as another member posted. You may do it, but I dont think it explains everything you have posted. I personally feel you are younger than you say you are. And there is nothing wrong with that, but it does mean that you are neck deep in raging hormones that can cause an abundance of very strong emotions.
So please, talk to a relative you trust (perhaps a "cool" uncle or aunt) or consider speaking to a teacher you trust. No matter what, pick a trusted adult and talk with them. All of us have been through the early pre-teen and teenage years. Its not fun, but it does get better.
first off i am 16 and no its not the weed thats making me feel this way. I just want to let you know i now am remembering thoughts deep in my child hood that i am now almost sure i was sexually abused by someone. becuaese i remember being so happy and my own self like a man like i was something and i was a diffeerent person. i remember i was probably around 6 to 8 or so wen i all the sudden was really freaked out by my self or my body and just being in shock for a moments of my life and jsut changing my whole self from that point on and just never having my own thoughts and being really scared of the world like i need to get out here but its like everywhere i go its there and i could never take it back. i remember not having my own identity and just feeling guilty and something bad about my body but i cant pin point it. it was something that was so dark and horrifying like the whole universe just collapsed on me . but i just cant grasp it and i just remember my whole perception of the world changing in the blink of my eye. and me just being so below everyone and just feeling so not like everyone else and being so terrified of new situations and after awhile i remember telling my self that i kept becoming more numb. and now wen ever i looked or look at something just wanting to be there and not here its wierd like i need to run away. ive never felt connected to my family or to anything like im sleeping but just in auto pilot
holy shit just looking through pictures of my child hood i have stumbled upon a pictures of my trip to colorado i was about6 or 7 and i have a picture of me b4 and after having ski trip lessons i have a picture of me b4 and i look like i confident not scared and very eager picture of me i look like a normal boy. then i have a picture of me after it and i look so depressed and confused and scared and almost like a girl in the other pictures. and then theres a picture of my ski instructor and the jacket the clothes hes wearing . i remember me freakin out at that ski trip and i think this is where it happened and now remembering this trip its makin my body and head freak out. and remembering me going into complete shock and traumatized and i remember me thinking i was in my instructos uniform or i am him, its almost like my whole life after that was his and not my own its f***in horricble. after i was traumatized i went crazy ithink and totally forgot i reemember after that (its very vague) me being so sad and almost like i should die kind of feeling like just pure hell. and like i lost my self that trip. everytime i try to remember it my mind goes numb and i cant think i still cant believe thats this would happen to my life it ruined it and this is why i forgot so long ago. and i remember just some ones eyes being so stained into me or something just being the worst eyes or like those eyes control me or keep me down its like its my abusers eyes. its like it took away my whole life like i died at some point wen this happend its feels terrible
For goodness sake, Francis---please talk to someone about all this already!
You say you know it wasn't your parents who abused you---so why haven't you talked to them about all of this? Is it the fact that you've been smoking weed that makes you fearful of approaching them? Re: the weed---I'm not going to lecture you about it but instead strongly suggest that you google the side effects from smoking so much of it. I'll leave it at that.
If you don't want to talk to your parents about all this---how about going to your guidance counselor at school? If you don't want to do that, how about calling the hotline number? You would be anonymous and the person on the other end of the line can give you some good, solid advice.
It's very obvious that whatever happened to you was traumatic and has had a profound effect on you.
Please get going --- talk to your parents --- or your guidance counselor --- or the hotline --- or another adult you trust --- just do something! You need to get to the bottom of this!
jsut to let u no my mom has alwasys had boyfreinds wen i was little. now iam starting to think everyone who i ever loved as a child fomr the age of 7 an adult male has the darkest secret or intentions like at any moment they could have the devils eyes and sexxually abuse me like a mad man. i can remember being really shitty about my self all the sudden maybe more than once n my childdhood where i changed complety . and i think i didnt even notice it why is that? i jsut kept moving along but as my soul was long gone and not even knowing. and i remember feeling like my body was touched and it just going numb like my bodys not mine its owned by someone else. now im starting to think all my moms boyfreinds abused me but i cant quite get the full 100% garauntee its like somethings off. could this just be i was sexually abused once and since then have have felt wierd around adult males in general. but im not sure cause i can remember it happening more than once where i lost my self.
So, Francis, from what you've written, it seems that you can't talk to your mother about any of this. It's water under the bridge now but your mother shouldn't have been bringing a steady parade of boyfriends into your life.
What about your father? Is he involved in your life? If so, did you ever tell him what was happening?
So...if you can't talk to either parent about all of this, then that leaves you with talking to either; 1) A trusted adult that you know; 2) Your guidance counselor; or 3) Someone at the hotline. Whichever you choose, please get going! You don't want to look back years later and regret not getting help. Help is there, please avail yourself of it!
I hope the next time you post here it is to tell us that you got the process going.
I understand the "need to know," I really do. But, I'm going to reiterate this point: if you really want to find your healing path, you'll make the choice to talk to someone who is in a better position to help guide you.
Children often have experiences that they cannot process which results in complete emotional detachment, or PSTD triggered reactions. In order to manage past events, it's imperative to enlist the help of a well-recommended, qualified person who can offer you positive options on how to exhume the past with as little damage as possible, examine those events, and put them in their proper place.
I don't know a single adult who didn't have some sort of negative sexually-based experience as a child. Either they were approached and propositioned, or were outright molested. You're not alone, and there are many different techniques to manage past experiences. Do yourself justice and take action. You are the only person who can do this, and even a paid counselor/therapist cannot (and, WOULD not) do the hard work for you.
THANK U FOR ALL UR HELP IVE been trying to tell poeple my situation my dad mom cousin but everyone seems to blow it off like that would be the last thing happened like in their heads they say (no, block it out its in the past sex with a kid equals no). but im starting to think every f***in male ive known has molsested me. not to sound egotistic or trying to be really awesome but i remember wen i was a child and everyone wanted to be me they thought i was the coolest loving smartist kid. even adults new i waqs better than them. and i think many of older men wanted wat i had or could not be better then me so they raped me to try to have power over a pure human. now since ive been thinking i was sexually molsested now my 2 uncles are creepin me out how they treat me like im there friend and my one uncle almost acts so immature like im supposed to be his best freind and texts me 'my man' and then i said ur caught and he kept demanding and asking questions over texts. im 16 and he treated me like i was a little kid even though he acts like one my 2 uncles both from different sides of the family ive noticed they even say shit that i would say and im starting to think every man in my childhood is a creep, but its hard for myself to believe that one boy and prob for u to to be sexually molested by many pople just because he is a natural born leader
i was just wondering is it normal for me to think that evvery man in my child life sexually abused me, i mean it is kind of shitty odds for me that i went on vacation and was often left alone with my moms boy friends one of which who is a coke head who i always though was so fun but now i think hes a creep. not to mention my moms boyfreinds but her brother in law i always thought was cool to just cause he acts like me and almost tries to live through me i never noticed till now. hes now creepin me out. and then theres my 2 uncles on my dads side who one is very smart but i studied him latley and hes very insecure with his body and acts with no emotion but fakes it. he also is very cautious with me around its like he knows im there like he knows something, and one time he took me by my anklses and dunked my head full on in water for atleast 15 minutes for bringing a cat in a restaurant i was pprobably 14 maybe younger i was being dipped and he was yelling at me. just to let u no i am very attractive tan and blonde but popel always say im boring and quiet and have no self estgeem. but i no my genetics are really good. im not bragging or trying to make my self look good but wen i was little its like i could hypnotize poeple into anything and poeple always looked up to me even adults loved me. i think i was born with an amazing perspective like i was already more mature then others at a young age i new wat real love was nd was very smart good at everything i did almost insanely good, and was highly socially adaptible. and i remember everyone being so obsessed with me almost wanting to copy me. then as time went on going into middle school i realized i dont even care about anyone and dont even love my parents its like im not human i dont feel those things any more and just remember thinking everyone i mean everyhting is better then me like i dont have control over looking at that object. and hating my voice never wanting girls even though thats the only thing i loved in life i could get any girl to love me in a second (b4 i was sexaually abused). im jsut wondering to children like this more of targets for creeps cause i think my theories right if a man comes a cross a kid who is better then anyone like a super child is it common forr them to want to moleste them
Your previous 2 posts are testimony to the need for a qualified, professional counselor/therapist, if you choose to heal yourself and place your feet onto a healing path. What's "normal" for you cannot be assessed in an online forum and the tools (and, answers) that you're groping for can only be found in a trained and specialized therapist's tool bag. The way to find a qualified professional is to contact your local "mental health" hotline and ask for the names of 2 (or, more) therapists who are familiar with childhood sexua| abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PSTD). The "intake" person will ask you a number of very personal questions - avoid feeling indignant because the intake person's job is to sift through the information and direct you to the best therapist for your particular issues.
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thinking of remembering of child sexua| abuse 
