I am so sorry that you are experiencing these trust-shattering experiences. You've had some superb advice - ACT ON IT, NOW. Don't wait for "something" to happen or for someone to make the call for you. Call Child Protective Services, immediately, and they will contact the police. A full investigation will be conducted and this will include a physical exam. Retrieve any/all physical evidence that may still exist, if you can.
You're a brave person to put your experiences into words and your courage will see you through this horrible part of your life safely and securely onto your healing path. Something that you may want to keep in mind is that your mother is probably being abused, as well. She may be turning a "blind eye" to what's been happening to you because she's probably been threatened that you will be taken away from her, forever, if she does ANYthing that might get this rat-bastid into prison. This is a threat that many abusers use to make sure that there is no interference in their heinous activities.
Take heart, dear one. As I said, you're very brave and this courage will help you to process all that's happened to you. You did nothing to deserve it, and you're NOT a bad person because this monster did what he did to you. You are not responsible for the actions of another adult. This person did all of this to you because he could - that's the only reason. Now, get on the phone, contact CPS, tell them EVERYTHING, and you and your mother will be taken to safety, and the rotten catfish will be thrown into jail.
My most sincere best wishes to you!
I agree with Seek2b - thank God, The Great Creator, Jehovah, Mohammed, Buddah, or any other name you wish to choose. Someone took a courageous leap and made the call that was needed. Yes, there are many unpleasant challenges ahead of you, but you will - WILL - take them on and put these episodes in perspective.
I'm going to try to explain some things that might help ease your mind:
#1 - You did nothing to deserve what was done to you. You didn't "ask" for it, and you didn't want it. The man that did this to you is a monster, regardless of whether he seemed to make your mother happy, or not. He is a monster. A monster. SAY IT OUT LOUD - HE IS A MONSTER.
#2 - What he did to you may be legally termed a sexua| crime, but his actions had little to do with sex. Rape is not about sex. It's about control and ownership. This is a fact and anyone who has the nerve to call you names because you were victimized would be doing so out of fear - fear that such a horrible thing could happen to the, as well. If anyone calls you ugly names, walk away from them and pity them for their stupidity. Yes, you're allowed to be angry, but don't take that anger out on others or it will make you no better than that monster. You cannot control what other people are going to think, believe, or say.
#3 - Your mother is sad because (speaking from personal experience with abuse) she feels responsible for what happened to you and she feels that she failed you in the worst way that a parent can - she failed to protect you, she failed to recognize a monsterous predator, and she failed to stop what was happening. She trusted this THING, and her trust was shattered, and her confidence as a protector and nurturing parent has also been shattered. This is how she feels.
#4 - Intensive therapy is strongly and urgently suggested for both you and your mother so that you each can heal from this horrible breach in trust, and to prepare for the events which will follow.
Get mad at this man. You'll probably never know what went on behind closed doors, but chances are that your mother endured some type of abusive treatment, as well. You have an opportunity to stop this man from ever doing this type of thing to another human being, and you also have the opportunity to advocate for other victims of such crimes once your feet have settled firmly on your own healing path.
Remember this, always: you cannot control anything else in the Universe except you. You couldn't stop that monster, so please forgive yourself and don't dare carry any guilt for what he did to you. YOU are the victim and HE is the perpetrator - it wouldn't be any different had he beaten you on a regular basis, and our society tends to place a great deal of emphasis on rape as being sexually motivated, which is simply not true. You can't heal your mother, either. She is going to have to face down her own demons, or not. But, you, dear heart, are a brave, strong, and valuable human being and this experience does not have to define who you are for the rest of your life if you refuse to allow it to.
May you find peace, comfort, and strength in the days, weeks, and months to come, and may you be a beacon of hope to other victims. God bless you.
Wow....I cannot tell you how relieved I am for you, J. In most cases, parents (especially, single parents) will understand what has happened to their child, though there are some that take the side of the abuser/rapist. I truly pity those parents and the innocent victims.
You are a valuable human being and you have something very important to do in your lifetime. I don't know what it is, and I can't say if it will tie into your terrible experiences. What I do know is that a child as brave, honest, and courageous as you are has "Something Important To Do."
Blessings upon your mother - I can imagine her sense of guilt because I carried my own for what happened to my sons for many, many years. Thank goodness you're both in counseling - she will have her own healing to do, and you yours. You will not be able to heal for her, but she'll lean on you a great deal in months to come for a great many reasons. Never be tempted to speak accusingly to her about your horrific ordeal, no matter how angry you get with her. When it comes to that point in your healing, scream it at your counselor and get it out, but never use this against your mother to get even or deliberately harm her. I have a feeling that you wouldn't do this, but it's just a reminder to you.
As for feeling dirty? You're allowed to - what that Thing did to you was cruel, sick, and he'll get what's coming to him when he enters prison, I promise you. Having said that, keep in mind that what he DID was filthy, but you, dear child, are not dirty, at all. These feelings are normal and will soon be replaced by understanding and acceptance that you were the victim of a sadistic Rat Sh*t - you will come to terms with these feelings, in due time, and move forward on a positive healing path.
There is NO DIFFERENCE between a male or female victim. The only difference is gender. A victim is a victim, and I'll say that it is a personal mandate for me to respond to people who have suffered cruelties at the hands of another human being, regardless of gender, race, creed, sexua| orientation, etc. If just one person breaks the cycle of violence and abuse, that's one person out of that wheel and, one day, the cycle of violence and abuse will collapse as a socially accepted behavior.
As Blue Rose has asked, please post back as time goes on. And, always remember: you are a very valued and loved human being, and you have something important to do in your lifetime.
Brightest healing blessings to you and your mom.
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