I have dated David for 8 months now, not very long but I have come to love him so much and continue to love him more. Our problem is his inability to handle stress.
I’m not saying his situation is easy, in the process of a nasty divorce (I met him half way through his divorce; his wife cheated with some old guy(55 year old, I don’t get it either) and so he also started dating other girls and it turned into a pissing match). I can say with confidence, they hate each other; it’s the usual story, they got pregnant young, separated countless times, they both wanted to party and blah blah blah…
Everything only became worst when she found out he was seeing me seriously, she always had him by-the excuse my language-the balls; he had been her little puppy. Him seeing random girls hadn’t really bothered her(as much), but finally seeing that he can say I love you to someone else honestly, eats at her; makes her realize what she’s lost. That saying, “don’t know what you have till it’s gone,” sort of thing. Also it must sting that I am 10 years younger, and attractive (and modest =P).
She tries to brain wash her kids, and use them against him (kids are 15 and 7); that’s his weakness. The 15 year old recently had to sell candies and David was going to buy the remaining that she needed to complete her requirements. To his surprise on the list of buyers his ex wife’s 55 year old boyfriend’s name is on it. He felt betrayed by his daughter who usually takes her mother’s side, because who would go against their mother? She’s just a child and I told him that she’s confused, and all this does not mean she prefers this other man. But after further investigating, it seems that his ex has brought this other guy around their kids and he has become familiar with them.
It really bothered him, and I told him it was probably just another plot by his ex-wife to piss him off. Like I said before, she always does little things through her kids to hurt him. A hard-core manipulative bitch. She even went as far as to burn him with boiling water, and casuse second degree burns all across his left arm and back.
He vented, and I hoped that being with me made him feel a little better. But then as he was driving home, we were talking on the phone and he told me he was going to get some cigarettes. He knows I hate, hate it when he resorts to smoking because of the stress his ex puts on him. Because him smoking means, he doesn’t care about his health, he doesn’t care about anything, I hate it when he’s so defeated. Him smoking means, she’s getting the best of him. We argued and ofcourse I came out hurt, since he really doesn’t care about anything at that moment.
The next day I apologized for trying to tell him what to do, I have no right to ask him not to smoke.
I received a call from my attorney about a pending sexua| harassment case; separate issue. And they are claiming I emailed the defendant a month after I left the work place just to have a one sided conversation and tell him I hope he loses his job/house and his family leaves him. I told my boyfriend unclearly that they were saying I sent him messages and even called and they had proof, but I didn’t do it. I was so afraid because I didn’t know how to prove my innocence. The call destination came from riverside, I was in downtown LA with my boyfriend before Christmas. I had a reservation at the standard hotel where we also had a room; no one had access to my phone, not even my boyfriend since I left it in the room when the alleged calls happened.
Back to the issue, well I told my boyfriend without much detail about it and he said that he doesn’t think I’m being entirely truthful. All my friends that know me didn’t even question my credibility. And he was bothered! I had been so scared that I couldn’t defend myself, I felt violated and harassed for this false claim and he isn’t even there for me. I have always believed everything he’s told me in regards to his divorce case. Not once did I doubt him, and yet when I need him he turns his back to me and says “that coupled with me thinking about u lying to me about ur exemploer. Hell my ex lied to me so why not u. I kind of already went thru this wit my ex n her law suit.” He apologized right after but still, the words were said and I felt horrible. He made me feel like I shouldn’t have complained for being touched inappropriately at work, I hadn’t know before dating him that his ex went through a similar law suit. Of course, mine involved more touching and abuse; I needed him and he wasn’t there..
I know I’m a big reason to why he’s able to deal with a lot of his problems, but I’m the only one getting hurt. He tells me sometimes he just wants to say the f*** with everything. He’s so stressed, I’m so hurt… I really know how to pick them.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
OK---Bear with me. There are two things I have to get out of the way here. 55 is old? Excuse me?
Second, IMO, if it were me, I wouldn't put a photo of myself out there. One of the best things about CZ is that others can come in here bare their souls yet keep their anonymity. Considering your current legal troubles, personally I don't think it's a good idea to have your photo out there at all.
Now---as for your legal issues---Please hire a good lawyer! If you don't do this, it could hurt you in the long run.
Second, cut off ties with David. There is much too much drama going on in his life. I know---easier said than done. However, it's the best move you can make now. If you are having trouble doing so, seek out the help of a competent counselor who has experience dealing with such issues.
I will agree with everything that Blue Rose has suggested, particularly the replacement of your personal photo - remaining "anonymous" is very, very valuable.
More food for thought: you mentioned that this man had engaged in numerous "random" contacts with other women during his separation. Ding! Ding! Ding! Warning! Red Flag Alert! Have you ever spoken with his estranged wife or previous partners on a personal, adult level, or does your information come from this man? What about his finances and employment history? What about any criminal background?
Your last remark suggested that you picked unhealthy partners, and to a degree, that's quite possible. But, it might also be possible that these types target YOU as a source. Why would any man, or woman, who is involed in a bitter divorce process expect someone else who has their own sensitive legal issues to take up THEIR flag? What do you honestly "know" about this man other than the information that you've been fed?
Two additional suggestions, here. Attend to your own issues and set your priorities to protect your Self. Then, check out http://www.lovefraud.com
to help you sort out this crazy-making situation. I have a very strong hunch that this guy is very bad news for anyone involved with him. You may want to consider getting humble about your superficial appearance - I say this ONLY to, perhaps, awaken some truth-seeking that two years with this man might possibly reduce you to a shadow of your former Self. I know this from painful personal experience, and I had to learn that "beauty fades, but dumb is forever."
I say keep the picture. You're a beautiful girl and it puts things into context. Of course it's always easy to solve every problem for people by telling them to dump whoever it is that's making life complicated.
But I'll agree with the others saying it sounds like you're getting the brunt of being a rebound. And from a divorce no less. You'll get to play nurse, psychiatrist, care giver etc to a vast amount of hurt and insecurities that you had nothing to do with. Whether or not it's worth it is up to you - but the odds aren't on your side. I cringe when I think of what my poor GF's had to put up with when I was on the rebound.
I really wanted to make this post more gentle and tactful because I care about how this might make you feel but I just have the need to say this and without knowing how else to say it here it goes, "Your boyfriend sounds emotionally and psychologically abusive."
Respect and trust toward you are your right to have in a relationship. He may have other thoughts about that but that is really his problem. I am sure that he has had a history of difficulties. Most of us have. But that is no reason to treat you the way he is. If you do not like something that he is doing or not doing, you have the right to honor yourself and let him know. It has nothing to do with you why he is the way he is. And it sounds like you enjoyed some things about the relationship. And that's okay. But it sounds like you may have the other side of him to handle too.
Try not to let him blame you, make you feel insecure or turn on yourself. You are worthful and You are your own best friend and your need for respect must come before his needs for comfort and support.
Out of concern for you, I ask you to please be careful with this guy. At least for your emotional and spiritual health and just your overall wellbeing.
you feel lost..seems there's no fullfillment and mutual joy here..a wife who by the token of children will be in his life forever..whose obviously effective at pushing his buttons and whom he still very much attached to by his emotional responses and reactions allbeit negatively..Also it seems he's still in the midst and involved with their/her game..but untill he can find it in himself to let go and move on and devote himself to the relationship of the new and now....you're in for a MUDDY RIDE!
one rule, although not a guarantee buffer, is to consider getting involved with a man whose already definitely done and dusted a divorce or an emotionaly healthy seasoned singleton..no rebounds and demonstrates the ability to stand on his own two feet..falling for lame ducks sometimes has it's price and sometimes it's an unhappy ending one..but why not someone more stable than you would usually consider..ie from what you have learnt from your past experience, change the way you "pick men" and maybe be wary /decline the advances from the "usual type" that approach you who could be the type that appreciate you're understanding and sympathy aside from just your attractiveness!!!!
Just opened our house to a lodger recently kicked out by his wife..already hes out trying to find a female to console him and act as pacifier in the meantime whilst still playing mind games with his spouse and yet would be back home with her in a heart beat..how far away is this man from leaving you high and sucked dry of all your support on the shores with a broken heart? Hope you can find a mutually, fun, supportive and nourishing relationship which you can both grow from in equally positive and healthier ways. if it's just a problem of his inability to cope with stress..then that really, like his smoking is down to him to learn how to manage and curb..but how it manifests and manner it effects you and how much youre willing to put up with and tolerate ..is actually finally up to you!
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