i have a question i doubt this has been talked about. this all goes back to the past. There was some guys that I used to talk to and he said I put stipulations on people. I asked him what do you mean? He said well you don't seem to like people who have kids. I said i am talking about small children. I am not interested in being someones friend and they got kids. I am 24 yrs old, do you know how hard it is to find college aged women with no kids who wanna have fun? my common interest isnt kids, why would u befriend me knowing i have no kids or have any interest in them? i told one chick who had a 3 yr old i said i dont wanna hear about what ur kid did, i dont get excited when a 3 yr does something, id more into money and business. she didnt like that answer well she wanted me to be honest. That question got me really thinking about putting stipulation on people.
I was trying to be friends with this one person who was just absolute drama. he worked 40 hrs a week and who doesnt? he complained like he was the only person who worked that long. this guy never had a social life im shocked he even went to the grocery store. at that time, he was like 4-5 yrs older than me. he knew i was outgoing when he met me but still complained about my social life. he even complained how his own friends were turning their backs on him because he had no social life. i told him at least they work full time jobs but they dont let that stop them from having fun and he got mad at me.
i would go this house every weekend and nothing wrong with that but every weekend?!?! we didnt do anything just chat. i dont have a prob with chatting but we didnt do anything fun and it was bringing me down. it just didnt work out knew him for a week and dropped him. im sorry, but i am outgoing and loves to party and stay out all night. right now, i am still going thru trauma from home life and i am still battling this deep depression for 7+ yrs. ppl that i have met b4 i met my bf just disappointed me like i said complaining about full time and being so tired. i dont use my age as an excuse not to have fun, if someone asks me u wanna go to that party? i will sure be there!
i tried to be friends with a 30, 35, and 38 yr old a long time ago and that definitely didnt work. all they did was used if u were my age u would be tired etc. i worked at retail when i was 19, in the summer, 37.8 hours and i was like is this full time? i got a taste of working that long but it didnt stop me from having a life. i value my social life i dont know about anyone else. i felt they were boring and the sad things were they didnt wanna do anything i wanted to do and i didnt wanna do anything they wanted to do.they name hobbies they liked that i didnt like at all. it just didnt work so i said bye.
fast forward to 2011, the economy is really crappy and yea ppl are having a hard time trying to enjoy life while looking for a job. i am not meeting the ppl i wanna meet, last year, i was like i am so fed up with ppl. i hardly even speak to strangers in public because of how i am so disgusted with people. i met someone at a workshop who is really nice but the problem is she got twin 7 yr olds and i am not into kids, im not the family type never was. that is how i feel and it is eating me up inside.
i am 25 yrs old. now, ppl say thats putting stipulation on others. i said i know what i like and dont like, i certainly dont like those kinds of ppl who r just going to bring me down. its like i might as well be friends with high schoolers or high school grads that love to have fun!! the only friends i have are from my congregation who are much older but they r like my family. ppl in the 20s and early 30s seem to disappoint me. it just seems most people i meet dont want to have a social life, go clubbing/drinking, etc thats what i wanna do.
it reminds me of the mistreatment i got from friends. they felt they were "babysitting me" cuz i couldnt stay out all night cuz my mom would bitch about staying late and yea i live at home. i had a friend one time who said i feel like i am babysitting you and i told her i didnt ask for a babysitter u know how my dumb mom is she doesnt have a life at all whatsoever and doesnt want anyone else to have one, u know that. she did this to my older sister thats why she is 3k away from our parents. my friend at that time said u r grown and its obvious ur own mother doesnt seem to get it. after that, my own friend didnt get it she knew about my home life. she decided to drop me and same with some other friends who did the samething. it hurt so bad i didnt deserve that kind of treatment maybe thats why i said ppl disappoint me. i told this friend ur parents may treat u like ur grown, but those are ur parents not mine.
my mom also ran my friends off on purpose so thats how i lost a lot of them. they didnt wanna be around me anymore cuz of my mom's evil aura filled with negativity. i am not making friends right now due to no job and if i have a friend i cant pay for my own things nor do i want her to do it for me. my communication skills are not so good, i ended up becoming a mute. i cant keep a conversation long enough, when i talk i kinda either mumble my words, no eye contact or sometimes, or just talk quietly not being heard. i envy those who r outgoing cuz thats what i used to be b4 my parents destroyed me. i used to be really outgoing, but that has been destroyed by my parents and i miss being that person. i do not accept the kind of person i have become. yes, it is hard trying to have a good attitude. i dont see how its possible when i have to live in a negative environment.
another person told me i stereotype on age. i said if you met some of the much older ones, u would see the drama i went through. i just didnt click with them like i thought i would. i swear its like i am still making friends who are like my parents with nasty negative energy which i wanna get away from. i do want to work on my communication skills like going to Toastmasters, i went there as a guest but dont have the money to go every week not sure how that would work when getting a job. i really dont wanna keep attracting new friends who were like some of my old friends, like i said about the mistreatment.
anyway, my question is do u call this putting stipulation on others? why or why not? any suggestions/opinions? has anyone ever felt so disappointed in ppl? i am a ppl person i love learning about someone new and where they came from. i am wondering how can i have a better attitude and attract the kind of ppl i wanna meet? i guess i just do not have any guidance in my life....
Ummm...yeah...you do put too many stipulations on others. You say you can't stand hearing about other people's kids [I'm paraphrasing] but you need to consider this --- as your currently childless friends age, many will get married and become parents. Would you dump a long time friend because she became a parent?
Not all friends follow the exact same path in life. Some will marry and become parents while others will remain childless and not marry. Some will be stay at home moms while others will pursue a career outside the home.
True friends accept that life paths will diverge but will still be there for each other. For example, my Godmother was my mother's best friend. They met in high school and became lifelong friends. My mother married and stayed home with us kids. My Godmother had a glamorous career, married later in life and never had children. While it was clear that my Godmother wasn't into raising kids, she still treated us kids well and we enjoyed her company.
A big part of friendship involves listening to your friends talk about what is going on in their lives. Even your childless friends aren't going to have the exact same interests that you have. When a friend talks to you about something she is interested in but you find boring, do you listen to her or do you tell her you don't want to hear it?
Try this as an exercise --- Let's say that you have a hobby that you're really passionate about. You are excited about what you are doing and want to tell your friend all about it but instead of sharing your enthusiasm, your friend tells you bluntly that she's not in the least bit interested. How would you feel? Would you still want to be her friend?
You ask if anyone has been disappointed in people --- At one time or other as we go through life, we all will come across someone who disappoints us. For example, people who have disappointed me were those I tried to befriend but didn't want to invest the time in maintaining the friendship.
You say you are a people person and love learning about someone new and where they came from. Yet you also say you don't want to hear about anyone's kids. Do you see the contradiction in this?
You wonder how you can have a better attitude --- from what you've written, it appears that you suffer from depression. I would suggest looking into getting help to deal with your depression. Start by talking to your doctor.
Finally, just be open to meeting and talking to people. Approach it with an open mind. Don't think to yourself things like "this person has kids" or "this person is older than I am" or "this person is too busy to party". Just take the time to get acquainted. You just may find that someone you thought you had nothing in common with will turn out to be a good friend.
well, yes, i can see the contradiction. i mean i am childless, i want to find others who are childless like me. i have a friend who wants to have kids in the future, i guess no i wouldn't dump her, but i don't want to be spending time with someone else's kids. i have met other childless ppl who say they have their own lives and don't wanna be spending time with ppl's kids. i love meeting people, but i don't wanna hear anything about kids. for example, when i was single, i went on a date with a guy who was 21 (at the time) with 2 sons he was raising. he "challenged" me to go out with me saying i was negative and close minded about those who have kids. so, we met offline and went to see a movie. he was hot (i was 18), funny, and nice to chat with. i told him the condition was don't bring your kids with you and don't talk about them, so he agreed. we talked for a while online then we went our separate ways. i could NEVER date/marry someone who has kids, that is a dealbreaker for me as it is for most childless women. i told him from the beginning, i do not care for kids (have nothing against them, knew as a little girl i never wanted to be bothered).
its hard trying to find childless ppl. i wanna party not take care of kids. i grew up the youngest child, never had to raise kids, or take care of any. my goals were to have a career and have a lot of money with dogs and cats, that was my dream. honestly, i do not know how to "talk to kids." i never had googbie feelings when seeing a baby, it wasn't for me. i have played with this 6 yr old when i was 10, she played too rough so i stopped playing with her. women get mad when i tell them how i do not want kids nor do i wanna go to "family events" with them that involves kids. i have found some groups on meetup.com for childless people, but they were for women over 30 and i am not in that age bracket to join it.
i was tired of meeting people who didn't want to party, stay out, get drunk, and go clubbing. i felt why do i have to settle for the less? the guys i knew back then, that was the reason why i dropped them. i had friends who put stipulations on me and dropped me for other silly reasons. i havent been able to party a lot or go clubbing, people in my age group feels they are 2 old as if they are 50 years old!!! i believe you can never be too old to have fun, too many older people listen to society about what age is appropriate for fun not me. im a party person out and about thats who i wanna meet like i said not someone who doesn't have a social life. i am never home, i like to see things out there. not interested in meeting people who go to work and come home not wanting to even go outside to smell the roses. ppl like that they wonder why their own friends do not bother, these people have told me this personally to me.
i listen to my friend even if i think it is boring. the friend i have who wants to have kids in the future, i have to listen to her talk about kids all day because she does work in daycare, but i listen. my passion is money and pets that is it. i want a financial stable life, i am like ann coulter (don't like her but she is independent goal orientated that is all i like about her), i want independence and make my money. i would feel hurt if she just disregarded my feelings to whatever i am passionate in. that has happen to me before, i had friends who were hypocrites they never lasted. i had friends who didn't listen to me, but had no problems listen to other mutual friends and leave me out in the dust.
i get tired of talking to my doctor about depression, i do not do pills at all. i used to exercise at my ex college's gym, but that's another story i did feel better after exercising. i work on my depression by myself by doing my own research, i have suffered from depression for 7+ years for personal reasons. doctors were like here take this pill instead of listening to my problems.
honestly, i met a lady who has twin sons she is so nice. i met her at the workshops i am attending we talk a lot and she has invited me out to lunch. i never understood why i attracted parents, i do not have a problem if they have a teen or adult kids, fine with me - a teen is basically a mini adult anyway i can relate to that. the reason why i was venting is because i have siblings who are much older than me, my views some of them come from my siblings. my older sister likes to party but has 2 kids damn great mom always put her kids 1st.
i remember a guy told me one time that i was too outgoing for him because i always want to spend money. not like i asked him to spend his money, i named things we can do and he was so picky complaining how things outside cost money i said what difference does it make when you put gas in the car? that is still spending money!
my female friends know i am not a kid person, but they don't like it. i told them i could never be a Godmother, that still isn't my style. most college students like to party get drunk and be stupid yet i find those who just want to sit at home and read a book. i had childless men who don't want no kids tell me that i do not see a problem with your lifestyle. he said i am not friends with anyone who has kids, i don't mind my siblings' kids cuz they are related to them, outside of that i do not want to be bothered. this was coming from a guy yet he wasn't hounded for not wanting kids but i was!
i have had people put stipulations on me and it ruined friendships saying how everything was fault yet these people couldn't find what they did wrong themselves. i had a friend for 10 yrs, was never a good friend, but got rid of her in 08 due to being very disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend, so she had to go plus she had a bad attitude towards people and me. i use meetup.com and join social groups for those who want to host parties and go to clubs.
Well, i gotta go to bed need to get up early tomorrow.
So you're picky--nothing wrong with that. It's just going to take you a lot longer to find someone who fits your list of criteria.
Meeting new people is easy, they're EVERYWHERE, especially if you live in a city. Finding people you connect with, is a bit harder, especially for folks who aren't gregarious and "people persons". You've got a list of "requirements" so that's naturally going to narrow your options.
As I see it, you've got two options: 1. accept yourself and continue to winnow the shaft from the wheat and eventually you'll find friends you can hang with. 2. Try not to be so picky and winnow that list down a bit so you can widen your pool of potential friends.
It's also possible that you're just not looking in the right places. Maybe you need to find a place where the single and childless congregate.
I do live in a city, a stuck up city in AZ who thinks it is Hollywood everyday. I go to another city which is more laid-back. I am not trying to be picky, but people have disregarded me because of something I couldn't do with them. Of course, it wasn't right for them to do that and it was rude. I have met people who didn't want to be my friend because I want to party and drink, I do it responsibly. I admit I did it irresponsibly in the past when I was at my ex college, thus letting my grades slip, and once I got them back up, I had to balance school and social time. I did it better. I remember told someone just because someone parties doesn't mean they are irresponsible, some are and don't care. It is about balancing work or school and social time.
I got two friends at my congregation who are old enough to be my parents. I got a lot in common with them, they love video games just like me plus their kids are grown. They don't act like their ages they act like they are in their 20s but they are very responsible people. I do enjoy their company very much and yes I do spend time with them. The friend, the woman, her kids are elsewhere yet I have met her daughter. Her husband's daughter lives in another city I believe outside of my county, I do not know her but heard of her.
It was sad, I ended up meeting picky people too. I dropped those so quick. I will need to be flexible in terms of meeting people.
Hello..I am living in a city and I have no problems to meet new people. They have the same hobbies like I have, e.g. playing online games and surfing in the internet. I just have to keep on searching...
I don't put stipulations on anybody. Why? Enjoy the moment and let life take you wherever it goes. I live it like I'm in a big movie and don't know where the scriipt is taking me when it comes to people. I can plan, I can suggest, but all anyone really knows about future meetings is that there is somebody right around the corner about to run into you. He or she is there, it's gonna happen. YOu can't really change it. What you do with chance encounters is how your life will either be successful...or a bore.
I met my wife in a college weight room when I wasn't even in the mood to meet anybody. I had benchpresses on my mind. Here this hot blonde comes prancing into the area, the machine I'm working on and we start up conversation. I repeat...I WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYTHING! But I never turn down chance encounters and let life happen like it will. That's the difference between you and me.
If she had kids and was 10 years older, would it have mattered? Yeah...but I probably would've kept seeing her and chances are great that we'd still be married. I mean, you will surprise yourself at just how adaptable to situations and events you will become when the people around you become important to you.
You aren't into kids now, trust me, you will be. And you'll talk about kids this and kids that far sooner than you've ever predicted. That doesn't mean that you can't have a good time, like you obviosuly want. You must let life and it's players take you along and don't be so damned stubborn. Mark my words, in 5 years time you'll be running Johnnie to a soccer practice and being in charge of your kid's kindergarten birthday party. You wait...it's coming.
I am 25 yrs old and still don't gravitate to children, sorry but you are wrong on that. When I was single, my rule was to never date someone with kids I didn't want their baggage nor did I want to be a parent early. My boyfriend of almost 6 yrs has no kids, even if he had a child, I would never looked his way. I have done that to men and women that I wouldn't date them if they had kids.
I enjoy sleeping in late and playing video games not catering to a child's needs every 5 minutes. I am set in my ways, I didn't like my childhood so no need for me to have children. Money is my motivation being financially stable is a goal of mine and I'd rather have pets they are easier to raise than a human child. I can deal with a screaming kitten or whiney dog, I can't stand hearing a child scream. I was at the mall last night, I saw this child scream to the top of his lungs for someone he probably couldn't get. God, I wanted ear plugs! As I said, I am the last one born in my family never had to raise any other family member's kids. I never babysat in my life I didn't want too anyway.
Of course, I have played with very few children and that's as far it will go. If I see a baby, I will say cute baby and move on. Again, I am not mentally stable for kids I am too scared of life to even raise a child. As a child growing up, I was never one of those girls who saw myself being a mother only married that is it. Let me make this clear for people: not everybody wants or needs kids, most childless people are happy without any especially if they want to fulfill their dreams. I told my old friends in grade school that I saw myself being rich and making money, I didn't have time for children. My friends at that time didn't like that answer, they felt I was "too goal orientated," one of those women who want to "go after my dreams instead of the usual fake stereotype of a woman getting married and having a family."
Times are changing, it is getting too expensive to raise a family. Look at most celebrities who are childish, they have more time to party than those who have kids. Most parents aren't into the bar scene or club scene anymore once they have kids, why do I want to listen to what their kids did all day? I want someone who has an active lifestyle but in this economy, that is hard considering nobody can't seem to keep a job because they are worried about getting laid of asap which is understandable. I am never home, if you are a parent, you have to be with your kids 24/7 except if they are grown. I can't hang with a parent who has to be with their kids all the time, sorry that isn't me. I don't know why people hate that part about me when they know I don't kids and don't want any yet they get mad when I want to have my own free time. I am not obligated to anyone's kids. If I could weigh a billion dollars and children, I'd choose money any day.
Actually, I had another question I wanted to ask. How can I make friends with people who want to go to paid places (things that cost money to do) and I have no job? I had friends who dropped me because of my financial status they never wanted to do anything that is free. They wanted to go to parties (not like that cost anything) or clubbing. I understand they don't wanna pay for me because I should have my own job/money. I am almost 30 yet I still haven't been to parties or clubs, I do not find that to be fair when there are plenty of people who don't mind doing that.
I remember in the past, I met someone who wanted me to go to a party with him. I wanted to go but he never wanted to pick me up and take me home. At the time, I didn't have a car and the state I live in (AZ), there isn't anything close by. Buses didn't run late and cab fair is expensive coming from a city that's 20 miles away. I have been invited to clubs and parties, but these people were selfish wanting me to do all the work when they knew my situation and I was honest about it. It turned out to be arguments then we went our separate ways because of their attitude problem. There was no middle ground, this person wanted to do it his way and I wanted to do xyz my way and see if we can come to an agreement yet that couldn't happen.
Are you Tigerlily23? If not, you sure are very similar to her...
Anyway---just a thought regarding kids---If you don't think you have any maternal instincts, then you are making the right choice to be childless. However, you need to take a long look into the future. For example, I know 2 families where none of the offspring ever married. There were 3 kids in each family, they're all now in their 50s.
In family A, the two sisters decided to buy a home together and will live together in retirement. They know they need to look out for each other.
In family B, the only daughter has her widowed mother living with her. It's nice that the mother has her daughter to take care of her but who will look out for the daughter when she ages?
I'm not saying that people should have kids just for that reason---and there are people who have kids and are estranged from them. What I'm pointing out is that if you have no children or nieces or nephews that will look out for you, you really need to plan for your future. In other words, who will be there for you? Who will care enough to see that you are alright? It's never too early to think about these things.
Good luck with the job search. I'm sure you're out there pounding the pavement.
To answer your question---you're just going to have to hold off going to clubs until you have the money to do so. If anyone drops you because you don't have money, then that person isn't a true friend.
You also have to realize that if you want to be very picky when it comes to friends, it will take awhile to meet compatible people.
Have you thought of posting on a social site? You could post that you are looking for platonic friendship and what you want in a friend.
No, I am not her. Well, I do have nieces - 2 of them. You are right, they were not true friends because I couldn't have the money to do xyz. I agree about holding off on clubs until I have money. I am on tons of social networking sites, when it came to meeting people off there, I had more bad luck than good. I was like I had better luck meeting people in real life. I have met people offline who turned out to be bad people plus it only lasted a week or if I was lucky a month.
It was short friendships, their true colors started to show really quick and I picked up on it so fast. People I met offline just wanted nookie they used friendships as a way to get laid which I felt was wrong to do that. They all told me they never wanted to be my friend, they said I hated you. One told me I just felt sorry for you whatever that means didn't explain it to me. The only real relationship I got from offline was meeting my boyfriend off of few years ago. Everybody else lied to me, tried to ruin me, made me feel bad as a person, abused me verbally etc.
Social networking sites, I basically said I was disappointed in people because of the mistreatment and most of them were just plain sorry as human beings. That is where my attitude/feelings are coming from. I keep making friends who are just mean and mistreat me over and over again. I want that cycle to stop. I went out of my way to be their friend and they disregarded me yet got the nerve to want me to do them a favor or whatever it is they wanted.
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hard to meet new people, is this putting stipulations? 
