I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs now. we were officemates once and thats how i met him. He has had 2 kids from two different women and he didnt open up about this the moment we met for fear that i might not pay attention to him. i found out about this, and i've already had feelings for him so i just accepted him despite his past. i have now been living with him in his parent's house, his brothers live with us too. My boyfriend is smart, funny, talented, musically inclined, handyman, great in bed, sweet, techy and knows how to deal with people, basically he can do anything he sets his mind to. Those are the reasons i liked him. See, two or maybe three months ago i found a job where the both of us could work at the same building, we're not exactly officemates, our time scheds were diff but there are times that we see each other on the same floor. He was a boss there. I discovered that he has cheated on me with an officemate of his. I asked him at first if he's seeing anyone he said NO, till i found out about it myself. I see the girl in the office and have confronted her, she kept on saying that she will no longer see him, nor talk to him but i keep on discovering that they still see each other, talk on the phone when im not there and have sex in motels. This happened more than 6 times already. I have asked my boyfriend to tell me why he does that but he keeps on saying that he doesnt feel as though he could talk to me this and that and that he wont do it again, so i became more understanding, gave him more sex, paid attention to all of his needs, i changed for him. He quit his job already, but he admitted still talking to the woman even creating a new facebook account so that he could still communicate with her. That facebook incident was the last time i was aware they had contact. So i offered to work for us just so i could make sure he's being a good boy at home. My boyfriend mentioned that he is guilty and that he needs my help, he wants me to help him change. I on the other hand gave him another chance, cause he chose me over her and he admitted his mistakes sincerely. i have been constantly monitoring him, his emails, web accounts, constantly calling him to make sure he is at home, asking his parents if he left the house, while i give him all the things he wants or needs. he is like a prisoner and a pet but i dont see him as that.I have just been so hurt and even numbed to the point that my perspective of him changed completely. I lost trust in him. i love him so much that i do all these to him. and he consents to it to prove that he loves me and is changing. the thing is i've gotten so paranoid, i feel like he is still cheating on me, contacting that woman on the internet and deleting all history of their conversation so i wont catch him. sometimes i feel like when he goes out he goes to a payphone to call her, or he borrows the phone of his brothers so he can text her there. i really dont wanna be so much more mean to him than i already am, i am aware that he is having a hard time, but he brought this to himself. I want solid proof that he isnt fooling around cause i dont believe in his words anymore. We get into fights bec of my suspicions which i cant prove since he is too techy and all, i even want to install a camera in our place so i can really monitor him. omg, im so confused right now There are some guys who wants to court me saying that i dont deserve him, i acknowledge that fact and agree to it completely. but another part of my mind tells me that he might also be telling the truth, that he has already changed. that he really loves me like he claims he does. If only i find out what's really happening, some sort of a confirmation that he has changed, or that he is still cheating on me so i can move on already. I just want to find out if he is really sincere, or if he's just playing with me. I need to know so i could move on to the next step.he's changed then i'll give him back his trust, otherwise i will move on. i just feel our relationship too important to waste with the wrong assumptions, I love my boyfriend so much, i am in pain bec im hurting him and myself in what im doing to save this relationship. HELP ME PLS PLS PLS.
You say that you "don't believe his words anymore" yet, you "love" him SO much that you're ready to place cameras to spy on this person?!
It's called "codependency" when we weave our whole world around another human being. This isn't "love" that you're describing, at all - it's ownership, control, and obsession. Finding his job for him so that you work in the same building? Think about that for a moment - YOU are securing a position for another adult so that you will be able to better monitor his activities.
You may want to consider counseling to sort out why you chose this type of person in the first place and how to free yourself of this extremely unhealthy obsession. This is something that has the potential for some very serious consequences and NONE of them are positive or healthy. Please, take a moment to read your own words and consider where you're heading in this very dangerous relationship.
SoulfulSurvivor's advice to you is spot on. However, in case it needs reinforcing, I'll put in my two cents.
This guy is a BS artist. He has proven that to you time and time again. Deep down you know it, too. That's why you are considering going as far as installing a camera at home. Please note --- If you mistrust someone that much, then it's time to get out of the relationship.
Giving someone like him "more sex" won't matter. He'll still go out and cheat on you. Another thing to consider---if you are having unprotected sex with him, you are putting your health at risk.
SoulfulSurvivor mentioned codependency. Take a look at the website of Codependents Anonymous: http://www.coda.org/
For whatever reason, it sounds as if you hooked yourself up with someone who intends to cause a wake of damage everywhere he goes. He has created 2 offspring by different mothers and I'll bet my next paycheck that he either complains and fights paying child support or simply does whatever he can to get out of it - for instance, makes certain that he's legally "unemployed" most of the time.
This type of person doesn't have the capacity to "love" in any sense of the word. They take. They demand. They use. They discard. And, all the while, they perpetrate "crazymaking" upon their victims and do not have even a shred of remorse for the damages that they inflict - it's ALWAYS someone else's fault for their bad choices, decisions, and behaviors. See my CureZone blog "Floating the Abyss" for a brief discussion on crazymaking.
Also, I would strongly urge you to visit the following website; http://www.lovefraud.com.
You may discover what is ailing this very unhealthy relationship and choose to save your Self before someone crosses the proverbial line.
He has you right where he wants you..... YOU are doing the begging!!! HE s=h=o=u=l=d be begging YOU to stay!!! If a person wants to cheat, they will find a way.... and HE will... because he knows that he can talk you into staying in the relationship. I think that you are unable to see who he r-e-a-l-l-y is.... your judgement is clouded by something. Trust is the glue, nails, and screws that hold a relationship together. Without trust, there is NOTHING. The sex can be good, the laughs can be hardy, but without trust, a ralationship cannot last. You are deluding yourself. It is time for you to move on... and do NOT let him convince you that he will change. He has told you this in the past, and his word is not good. Why would it be any different this time? Geez... the guy gets to stay home all day while you work, and you are constantly thinking about his infidelity???? He is a loser... no matter what redeeming qualities he might seem to have. Being able to fully trust your man is of the utmost importance.... and you will NEVER be able to do that. There are many men in the world that have those quyalities you mentioned, and they do not cheat. Seek to find one of those guys. Let this one go. Do not spend any more time in this relationship... 3 years is enough.
I went through several relationships similar to yours. I needed a person who was strong in the ways I was weak. Because I needed them, despite ther faults and failings I would, like you, try to keep the person tied to me and only me. Although it did help some to have counciling it has turned out that although my weakness, anxiety, jealousy were very real and strong emotions, it was how I was reacting to health problems in my own body. These health problems were not life threatening but caused a gradual deterioration of my physical and mental wellbeing over the years.
So first get a check-up from a Dr or ND. You may seem normal to them but Drs often do not have the training or tests to realize what is going on in your body.
And choose one of the health improvement programs on the Curzone Forums. The featured programs on the Liver Flush Support Forum will give you an idea of what these programs require you to do. If your boyfriend will also do the program(s) and both of you are helped it is possible your relationship will survive and become stronger.
Hey, sorry to hear you're going through difficult times. I guess you're down to 2 options: Let go of him and accept the fact that he can never be honest with you or move on from that dark past and learn to trust him again. I know it's such a very difficult thing to do but you cannot just keep monitoring him for the rest of your lives. He also needs space and privacy. We're already there, he broke your trust several times and you've become so paranoid that for the nth time he might do it again. But you must know that you cannot hold on to a relationship without trust as it's the most stable foundation of a relationship. Just to share, I've been through the same scenario. I've been in and out of relationships. It's like every person that I've been with lied and cheated on me. I changed my cellphone number, email address and have my home phone numbers unpublished. I tried to run away, I moved from Brunswick to Gainesville in Georgia just to get rid of the shadow. Until one day, my ex was able to contact me on my cellphone again throughthisand I was so shocked. I couldn't even hold my phone and I hung up on him. The next thing I knew he was already on my doorstep and tried winning me back. Call me crazy but I believed in every word he said again because I knew that if I don't trust him, then we cannot take a step forward.
Right now, I cannot claim that our relationship is perfect but we're happy. There are still ups and downs just like any other relationship but he gained my trust back. I guess he realized that after all, I'm still the one that he wants to be with. I'm not trying to inspire you with our story but I just wanna remind you how important trust is. It's a vital part of every relationship and it should always be there.
Women. Then I tried continueing on and read that you're living with him and his brothers and this and that dysfunctionality. STOP THE INSANITY, FOLKS! Women....WOMEN OF CUREZONE...do not get hooked up with deadbeat losers with kids all over the map, different women here and there, living in parent's abode. When will this stupidity ever end, ladies? Tell me...what day and time will you not be stupid with your lives? How many red flags do you need waved in front of your eyes? Five...ten...twenty?
I don't care how great a time or good a dancer he is, dump losers when you first acknowledge the fact. That's my answer. That's THE answer. Do not live with guys. That's a trap that many, many, many foolish babes fall into and never get out alive. Multiple kids means problems. Staring you right in the face. Don't go there. Run for the hills, run like you've never run before. This is a disaster in the making.
I scrolled up to read a little bit more and what do I find...he talks to other women on the internet! Answer me this before I rant any further...are you stupid or smart? Need an answer...
first of all, i would say to you that, don't try to monitor him, because you have doubt on him. Just try to believe on him, because you love him so much, and in any relationship, it is required, Than tell him all that things, about your doubt on him. After clearing everything, you will get a satisfaction and clear your all doubts about him.
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