My husband and I have fallen out of love. We rarely have sex and emotionally disconnected. He travels a lot and I suspect that he's unfaithful to me. But I stick around because I have a little girl that wants the father to be in the picture. About a year ago I met someone and we hit it off very well. We fell in love and have a lot of fun together. He doesn't want to continue this love affair and wants to get married and have children.. I want to be with him too but don't want to end the marriage for my child's sake. So he ended it and we remain friends. I can't get over him, when I see him my heartaches because I am still very much in love with him. We still chat daily and hug and kiss occassionally. In my heart, I know its only a matter of time that he will move on. This man brought life to me for the past year. Now I feel so empty and hurt inside. Should I totally end our friendship to try to get over the pain or should I continue to be friends?
It seems to me that you want to have your cake and eat it, too.
You say that you and your husband are emotionally disconnected. Also, you say that you "suspect" that he has been unfaithful.
So what did you do in this situation? Did you talk to your husband about any of this? Did you attempt to find out if he is indeed unfaithful?
Instead, you had an affair. Sorry, but I can't condone what you did.
If you choose to stay in your marriage for whatever reason (you say it's because of your child), then you (as well as he) are expected to be faithful to one another. Unless, of course, you've discussed this and agreed on an open marriage. However, I'm not picking up that you have an open marriage from what you wrote.
Well...so now you have to make a decision. Are you going to divorce him or are you going to stay?
If you want to continue seeing the other man, then get a divorce. If you want to stay married, then stay away from that man and work on improving your marriage.
Your decision---although I suggest doing the right thing. Best of luck.
Is this daughter the product of you and your present husband? Is your legal husband abusive? Does he deny you the right to make career choices? Has he disallowed you to entertain your own friends, hobbies, or interests? Has he refused to engage in marital counseling?
* "Brought life" into your own existence translates into: I am justifying my actions. "Life" = excitement, personal/sexual attention, and the physical rush of risk-taking.
* "Fallen out of love" translates into: an excuse to seek adult pleasures from different sources.
* "Emotionally disconnected" translates into: We are bored with one another and choose not to communicate.
Blue Rose is spot-on. If you want to be with the "other man," then do something so that you won't have to sneak around and place your daughter's well-being in jeopardy for the sake of thrills and sexua| attention. If you and your legal husband are bored with one another or you are not communicating, it may be well worth while to seek marital counseling, see the affair from the perspective of adult responsibility, and get REAL. You didn't mention whether or not you had even explored marital or individual counseling, and this is worrisome as it hints at selfish motivation.
A strong, healthy relationship is based upon honesty, truthful speaking, open communication, and mutual respect. The man with whom you are having your fling with isn't honoring any of these virtues, and neither are you - sex is the basis, and the thrill and excitement of sneaking around is the fuel that feeds the sexua| intensity. Meanwhile, your daughter is likely being neglected (NOT like being left in a car in 110 degree weather) in lieu of the attention that this other man is receiving. No matter how sly you (and, possibly your husband) believe that your affairs are being conducted, children sense the tension and they respond to it, accordingly. Their emotional and physical needs are put on the back burner so that you (and, possibly your husband) can fill your own wants (not "needs") first.
I would strongly urge you to consider marital or individual counseling, walk away from the affair, put your daughter's needs (NOT wants) first, speak openly with your husband, and at least make an attempt to sort this out in a positive manner. You have no idea how expensive, cruel, ugly, nasty, and heartbreaking a divorce is and you and your husband won't be the ones to suffer the consequences - your daughter will be damaged in ways that you cannot anticipate in your wildest nightmares. I speak from personal experience, and I promise you that any contract of marriage is worth saving as long as domestic violence/abuse, substance abuse, and/or illegal activities do not factor.
If there was once a healthy bond, it is worth the efforts of you and your husband to WORK towards a comfortable space through brute honesty and truth-speaking, and realize that love is not equal to sex. Sex is a beautiful by-product of a strong, healthy relationship, and not a basis of cultivation. The "risk" of engaging in an affair may seem exciting and liberating, but it is literally an addiction rather than the basis of a strong, healthy relationship. Once that risk is removed, what will you do when the other man turns out to be as exciting as a turnip in three years? Will you engage in another affair when the rabid sexua| activity wears off, as it always does? What will you do when the new husband disdains your daughter because of her hatred of him as a result of the damage that she suffered from your bitter, expensive, ugly divorce? Exactly what do you intend to do to keep yourself from engaging in another affair once you become bored with the new Mister? If, after strong counseling, you decide that your marriage is truly dead without any hope of salvage, you will have learned a great deal about what "love" truly is, who you are and wish to be, where you want to be in 5 years, and what your goals are for your daughter's well-being.
I would also strongly urge you to consider enrolling in college or non-credit courses that please your intellectual or creative urges. Or, become involved in an altruistic endeavor by volunteering at a homeless shelter, food bank, SPCA, or some other organization that has the well-being of others in mind. Feed the positive and realize your own potential rather than feeding that Risk Monkey of extra-marital affairs. If you believe that the man with whom you're having an affair with is going to remain faithful to you, or you to him, you're deluding yourself and living in denial - do something positive to help yourself and your marriage, first, so that you can say that you did everything that you could to save the marriage if you do, indeed, choose to end the marriage contract, and you will have made that choice for the sakes of your daughter (FIRST), and yourself (SECOND), rather than some man.
Brightest blessings to you and best wishes that you'll do the "right thing," as Blue Rose suggested.
It's one of the biggest lies in Amerikan culture, this staying with the husband that no longer cares for the sake of the kid. Leave him today, get the guy who loves you right now and never look back. True love is fleeting. It comes and presents itself to you front and center and if you turn your back on it...you'll regret it the rest of your natural life. Your child will be better off with a mom who is in love with her man than she'll ever be growing up around two uncaring, unloving roommates that will eventually cheat and scheme their way around it. '
A woman MUST be happy in the relationship or she will become a horrible mother. I've seen it up close and personal. Many women. Many lost souls. You'll eventually escape when the kids reaches 18 years of age but you'll be too worn out and abused and weathered and bitter to attract anybody worth a damn. That's your future, baby, what do you think of it? Well? You want to be that bitchy woman ten years from now who shoulda done this and that? Your guy will move on and meet another great woman and you won't have him. Friends are for losers who didn't make the right decision. You go to this guy's apartment and give him the biggest french kiss of your life and tell him exactly what you want and now. When he gets up off the floor you two quit being friends and begin lovers with passion and desire for one another. No more charades and gimmicks and wasting time. Do not disappoint me and back out or in ten years time you'll be back here asking the McCainster why your life sucks so bad. It's because you didn't take my advice. Never settle again. This guy is the one...go get him tonight!
The most important thing to consider, here, is that you and your husband chose to produce an offspring - this human life did not have a choice as to whom her parents would be, nor whether or not her family environment would be stable, nurturing, or loving. Such is the Truth of reproduction - we have to have a license to drive a vehicle, to own a business, to operate a marine vessel, or to sell liquor. But, the truth is that anyone, and everyone, can produce another human soul - it is their "right."
Having said that, I would again urge you to explore your options before you make a disastrous decision based upon passion, and not upon common sense. Passion wears off, regardless of what people generally believe or expect. Burning passion is replaced with a warm, comfortable glow if the union is strong and healthy. That doesn't mean that sex becomes boring, but that it becomes something sublime, rather than the basis of the relationship.
You didn't mention abuse, withold/reward, or exploration of any other options except to pine over a man who saw your boredom, enticed you into an affair, and has now discarded you so that he can seek what he "really wants" in a partner. You are deliberately kept dangling at arms length with the hope that things will work out for your benefit (leave husband, bitter divorce) with "friendship," hugs, and kisses, but you haven't mentioned any assurances from him that he'll support a divorce and wait for you and your daughter to become a family. DANGER!!! WARNING!!!! RED FLAG!!!!! Please, use your head rather than your heart, here.
Someone suggested that you run out, abandon your responsibilities as a mother, and attempt to snag this man because this action will be the only thing that will ensure your happiness for the rest of your life. I thoroughly and vehemently disagree - your "happiness" should rest on your shoulders, alone, and not on the attention of a man who would cajole a bored, married woman into a risky and emotionally punishing affair. Fill yourself with YOU - learn about whom you were meant to be so that you can raise your daughter to depend upon no other human being to provide her happiness.
Visit www.lovefraud.com and read some of the experiences that people have survived - compare your current situation to what others have survived, and you may see a correlation.
Once again, brightest blessings to you - keep that daughter's well-being well ahead of your own. You have choices, while she does not.
We all would like to state that your happiness never ever is because of your relationship with another human being...but, let's be brutally honest here...you are happier because you found the right person, Soul. So am I. So are most people in life. It's fine to be cavalier and say that "you don't need anybody to make you happy, be happy with yourself" manure. I'm very happy myself but I love the fact that I've chosen my honey and she makes life that much grander. The right spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend makes life what it is...happy or miserable. Why else would women search out guys knowing that there's many duds out there? Why put out the effort? Women want a good guy, plain and simple as well as guys wanting the right woman. There's no shame in that. Being with somebody who treats you right and makes you happy, that much happier than you already are is life's blessing.
Are you saying that women who divorce and go their own way are bad mothers? Sounds like the jist I'm hearing from you, Soul...and my hearing is quite good. I excel at inferences. Women who stay in hurtful, loveless unions hurt their kids imeasurably...and themselves. Why damage two lives?
My big adage in life is that when you notice a problem, fix it quick because 8 out of 10 times it won't get better in the long run. I play percentages, that's why I succeed at most things tried. I get in and out when I see no future positives on the horizon. I'm not a social experiment here to change another's life, to mold it for my fancy. I'm here on the planet for a short amount of time and the last thing I'm going to do is trap myself with a loser human being that brings me down, down, down. You can, Soul, work it out and waste time hoping for that change to come...not this guy. Women need to wise up and dump husbands and boyfriends in droves when the red flags of life are waved. This particular gal needs to run like the wind and you suggest she go to counseling or muddle through for the sake of the kid...please...
This is a free board and you can state your peace all you want, but for my money...this women needs to flee with her child and take up with her true love before it's too late. The marriage as it now is presented is a losing investment. More emotional dollars invested will likely be lost...sorry if I'm not on board with that logic.
This board is filled with "woulda, coulda, shoulda' men and women. I'm proud to say that I've never had to say, "You know, I shoulda stayed with that loser gal"...
What you're saying is that this woman should uproot her life and her child's life to chase after this man. The same man who ended the affair because she was married. Perhaps he came to his senses and realized that he doesn't want to be strung along waiting for her.
Also, if he was quick to get into a relationship with a married woman, well, history has a way of repeating itself. Somewhere down the road, if they do marry, he could well end up deciding to have yet another affair.
As for her---she was quick to have an affair instead of dealing with what's wrong with her marriage. Down the road when the passion wears off, will she repeat this behavior and have yet another affair? Would you advise her then to dump husband #2 and go after the next guy?
At some point, she needs to be responsible for her actions. She also needs to set a positive example for her child.
Yes, you are allowed to have an opinion, as are others, too.
Finding the "right person" is a wonderful happenstance, McCain, but the Original Poster did not mention (or even hint) that she had endured abuse, alcoholism/substance abuse, gambling addiction, porn addiction, or any other damned good reason for ending a contract of marriage. She clearly stated that she had "fallen out of love with" her husband. This could be due to many reasons, and discovering why she chose him in the first place, then produced offspring with him, and then involved herself in a sticky situation (no pun intended) is part of the learning and growing process.
The reality is that divorce is a very expensive exercise in which NOBODY wins, except the attorneys - even in cases where severing the contract of marriage is justified, as in cases of domestic violence and abuse, sociopathy, illegal activities, etc., divorce dissolves all parties into human rubble, especially children who have no voice, whatsoever. If the Original Poster feels that her husband is having affairs and is justifying her choices on that, alone, then it's a totally dysfunctional environment for everyone, especially their daughter. Are you really suggesting that the Original Poster's daughter is having her needs met while her mother (and, possibly, her father) is putting forth all of this wasted emotion and energy into something that isn't even involved in her family? Wouldn't it be the same deprivation if the mother were a work-aholic and devoting every waking hour to over-achieving?
"Inferences" are what you want them to be, McCain, and if you ever paid any attention to any of my posts, blog entries, or responses to hurting, desperate people (as well as references to my own personal experiences), you would know better than to assume that I would advocate for anyone to remain in a dangerous, unhealthy relationship. Go back and really READ my response. Then, put your ego aside and think about what the Original Poster disclosed - no aspect of the affair makes sense, simply because she was lured, used, and discarded by someone who zeroed in on her boredome and vulnerabililty. Filling herself with her Self is the first step towards self-fulfillment, McCain - if she's busy, she won't have time to be bored with her marriage and she'll have a new-found empowerment that can be thrilling enough to be considered sexually liberating. It's UBER-sexy to be empowered, McCain, and it's ULTRA-demeaning to chase after someone (man OR woman) who has used and discarded us - plain and simple.
As for the Original Poster, this is going to have to be HER decision, based upon whatever she places importance upon. That is precisely why I urged that the Orignal Poster seek individual or marital counseling - she needs to sort it out for herself so that she makes healthy choices and decisions for her daughter, and herself. Who knows how many people the "other man" has been with? In this day and age, once it was clear that this was an intermittent thing for him, I would get myself tested for every STD, ASAP - for him to seduce a vulnerable married woman for short-termed excitement was entierly self-gratifying on his part, and she needs to see the whole forest and not just her own personal tree. The truth of the matter is that he lured her in, she took the bait, and then he dumped her because she didn't meet his criteria - oh, she was good enough to use on a physical basis, but not "good enough" to wait for. And, now he's got her believing that he still cares about her because they are still "friends" and he hugs and kisses her. What kind of predator is he, anyway? "Go away, because I want to find someone to marry and have children with. But, if you're game, we can still be friends with benefits." Oh, brother......
It doesn't change my life or yours one bit to wrong...I'll err on my proactive stance every time. You wait and hope while the child in the home feels the tension and disrespect for each other. Good solution, Soul, good solution.
Thank you everyone for you comments. I was trying to make my original post short but I guess it created more confusion..
Let me give you more details so it can clear up a few things...
My husband is into porn and I guess he would rather have porn than real intimacy...I used to not let it bother me as much but when his action replaces intimacy I became really bothered and depressed. I feel so empty and lonely in my marriage. A couple years back, I found some emails between him and another female that were very flirtateous. I confronted him and he blew up..He was very defensive...saying that they were only friends...denying everything....I was so depressed about the whole situation I didn't talk about it anymore..Around the same time, I found online posts from him talking to people about his travel experiences...how the clubs were like meat markets, how the girls were so attractive and dressed so provocative..I didn't have any real proof of his infidelity but his actions really bothered me..I did everything for my marriage but I guess built up anger clouded my judgement..I was brought up with high morales and values. I never cheated on him for the past 11 years that we were together...until recently..When I met Mr X, my marriage was going through a very rough patch..I was so depressed that I thought about suicide...I was so excited and happy that I found someone that understood what I went through..because he went through a divorce a few years back and he understood what it was like to be with someone that you are unhappy with..Mr and X and I are not the cheating type (we both admit that we made a mistake to cheat and it ate us up inside). There were times that we would just both hold each other and cry because we have made a mistake. We never wanted or intended to hurt anyone by our actions.. I kept hesitating to leave my husband because I am afraid of the unknown for me and my child..The secret relationship gave both of us a lot of stress because we were so afraid to get caught and hurt people around us. He told me to decide either to stay with my husband or divorce him so we can be together..I never had the balls to ever say that I would leave my husband..He even told me if I would just give him hope that I will divorce my husband he would wait for me. And never once did I give him any hope..that's why he told he can't continue this affair because it's wrong. He cares about me a lot and doesn't want us to stop talking to each other..He told me he wants to be around to be there for me even if he's going to move on..That's the hardest part for me, how can I continue to talk to him knowing that he will move on when I still have so much feelings for him...but it hurts just as much to stop talking to him because he's my best friend :(
I kept hesitating to leave my husband because I am afraid of the unknown for me and my child..
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Well...despite your hesitation, you still engaged in an affair. Why do this when you've admitted that you hesitate to end the marriage?
Whatever your reason is for staying in the marriage, you have an obligation to remain faithful. Your husband has that same obligation, too.
When things took a real nosedive in your marriage, that was the time to speak up to your husband and insist on joint counseling. If he chose not to go, then you should go on your own.
Instead of taking that step, you chose to have an affair. Thus instead of the affair causing you any happiness, it just stressed you out because it ate away at your conscience. You knew it was wrong! So did he but yet he still chose to get involved with a married woman.
Now what will be your next step? Stay in the marriage and get either joint or individual counseling? Leave the marriage and deal with the stress of divorce?
You need to permanently sever ties with the other man. It's abundantly clear that having him in your life isn't helping at all.
Read through SoulfulSurvivor's excellent posts and take her advice to heart. Especially, get tested for STDs!
Good luck---and here's hoping you'll do the right thing not only for yourself but for your child, too!
Thank you for filling in the very important details. Blue Rose is on the right track. Here's my personal belief: porn addiction is a very, very dangerous issue for men and women.
With the introduction of personal computers about 20 years ago, pornography became instantly (even with dialup) available in one's own environment - one didn't have to visit adult stores that were typically located in questionable parts of towns. Additionally, when porn became so readily available, people began to embrace and excuse the viewing of porn as "natural," and "to each his own," and so forth.
For men, porn becomes an addiction because they are primarily stimulated by visuals - this is a documented research fact. With the availability of porn of all types comes the necessity to view more shocking/degrading/demeaning visuals, as time goes on. It takes more intensity to stimulate, in other words. For women, porn becomes a general representation of what they perceive to be "normal" and healthy sex - and, most people confuse love with sex, which creates women who engage in extremely risky, demeaning, painful, and degrading sexua| activities. sexua| stimulation for both genders is very, very powerful and the general public either forgets the fact that nearly all pornography is generated as a money-making endeavor, or they choose to ignore that fact. The general public is hit by a barrage of sexua| innuendo throughout their waking hours through media advertisements and marketing, so they have literally become desensitized to sexua| overtones.
Now, you take the instant availability of porn, add technology into the mix, and a child (or, two), and the consequences are horrendous - children access their parents' computers, CD's, magazines, or hand-held devices, and BLAMMO!!!! A child is suddenly exposed to graphic imagery that they are not mature enough to process - child exposure to pornography is considered, in many, many States, to be child abuse simply for that reason. Don't, for one second, fool yourself into believing that your daughter hasn't been exposed to what her father views, or been influenced to base what her perception of femininity is upon his tainted view of women. Daughters need their fathers to define what is acceptable as far as their femininity goes, and his vocalizing how "hot" women in clubs look is just the tip of the iceburg.
I mentioned individual and/or marital counseling, and I stand by this 100%. After providing the necessary details of your situation, something is broken in the marriage, and it is imperative to sort out your own feelings of betrayal by the husband, as well as the guilt of engaging in your affair. Yes, we all make mistakes, and the world is not going to stop rotating because you had an affair - but, understanding why you chose to have an affair rather than simply end the marriage, heal your Self, and then find a partner will help you to avoid choosing someone who will further damage you. Your daughter will also benefit tremendously from counseling so that she doesn't confuse the fantasy of porn with the reality of Real Life. Counseling will likely not help to mend your marriage - in my world, porn is a deal-breaker and represents abuse to me, personally. BUT, it will certainly help you and your daughter sort out your respective issues, and prepare you for a legal separation and possible divorce.
My abusive ex-husband used to view porn, and then demand that I perform what he had seen. I couldn't do it, and I wouldn't do it - it was painful, humiliating, and utterly repulsive to me. My refusal to engage in risky sex (inviting anonymous men into the bedroom, etc.) would result in days of the "Silent Treatment," and beatings, on occasion. Once, when I refused to engage in sexua| violence, he refused to "allow" me to purchase groceries for our family. This is precisely how pornography can fuel domestic abuse and violence, and you very well may be living in an abusive environment - hence, one more reason to engage in counseling.
As for the other man. Dear heart, it may seem that he is fulfilling a void, right now, and I understand that. But, until you get your Self sorted out and make a decision about your marriage, keeping him in the equation is going to cloud your judgement for certain. Put the whole relationship on hold for a while. My feeling is that he seems to be a Knight on a white charger, but healing your Self and setting an example for your daughter is of the utmost importance, at this moment. Once you begin sorting out your own issues of betrayal, trust, and so forth, you'll be a much stronger individual and readily prepared to accept a partner and companion.
Once again, thank you for filling in the very important details - it's not easy for people to be honest about sensitive marital issues, but without details, the whole picture just can't be viewed as a whole.
Brightest blessings to you, and may you get started down your healing path!
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