I'm almost embarassed/ashamed to be posting here today.
I just need to vent.
I don't want to get over him (there's my answer, right?). I want him back. It's been over a year since we ended our 6-year relationship.
We started talking again a couple of months ago...just initiated by him, out of nowhere, with the late night confessions of how much we miss each other and how hard it is adjusting to being without one another. There were a coupole of phone conversations at the beginning but mostly just texting which has died down a bit. Nothing about getting back together, just life...I think it's just a crutch to feel better about not being together.
I moved 500 miles south, he moved 500 miles north. You could say we went our opposite directions ;)
Recently, he moved back into "my" state, twice as close as he'd be if he'd moved back to the place where it ended, where I plan to return in a few months to finish school.
I have this wild fantasy that it's all going to come together...like I'm going to go visit him or he'll visit me, one of us will move, and we'll live happily ever after.
I cut down my meds(HATE taking pharmaceuticals period) so I'm only on 300mg of Buproprion (Wellbutrin XL) but it doesn't really seem to help like it used to. I almost even thing it's not real bc before, the taste of cigarettes on it disgusted me but now I could smoke one if I wanted. It doesn't give me the energy and focus it did before. I'm still just an attention deficit hot mess. I'll look normal on the outside but on the inside I'm curled up in a corner crying or screaming pulling at my hair.
I have tried dating. These guys just...ANNOY me and I can't even respect them and the most recent two, both in their mid-30's (a little older than me), said they LOVE me after 2 weeks of meeting. At this point I haven't even decided whether or not I even LIKE them. Or at least I know I don't but I'm trying to convince myself that I could. Other people touching me just makes me cringe and I can't imagine a life with them. I can't even seem to develop feelings for other men bc I know if "he" showed his face, I'd be on it like white on rice.
...He has my heart. I've spent the last year or so trying to work on myself but as far as I get, the tears still come when I begin to miss him again. One of the guys I tried dating and broke up with is good friends with one of my best friends. Well, he's a complete loser and has no job or ambition so hangs out at her place all day so, needless to say, after some drama a 35yr old man shouldn't start, I think I've lost a best friend on top of all that.
Maybe I'm just lonely...but when I'm surrounded by others or have another holding my hand, he's still the one I wish was there when I wake up and smiling on the pillow next to mine when I close my eyes to sleep.
It's just so damn depressing. Could I be that hopeless, or just that deep in love with someone I can't have?
In the last year, I have learned from the mistakes of our relationship. Even listening to my father talk about relationships, it's opened my eyes a lot. Being adults now, not the stupid teenagers we were when we met, I just want to do it again...but the right way...not some young adults trying to play house. Just two separate people who love eachother and are there when the other needs it but not in control of one another. I really don't want to be with someone I have to see all the time, but I could handle being around him all the time, if he wanted.
Be careful what you pray for... you might just get it!
An ancient truism that applies to what's happening to you. You're
learning to simply let go, and be yourself. Unless of course you enjoy the
world of torment that you have created for yourself.
With all due respect but I must say you have given so much emotional attachment to one man. You are using a external source to determine your happiness which will never lead to anything. If you REALLY want to be happy you must first love yourself before you love anyone else.
Oh, Gal! Read the last two posts above mine as many times as you need to do so until they sink in.
Have you thought about all the grief you were put through when you were dating/living with him? All the times he cheated on you? The 2 abortions that still haunt you? Then ask yourself why you would want to go back to more of the same. I'm sorry if all that was harsh but you really need to think this through. If I recall correctly, you broke up with him at least 2 times in the past, yet went right back to him. You thought that each time he had changed and that things were going to get better---but they didn't. Think of that old saying "A leopard doesn't change its spots". It is applicable here.
Work on believing that you deserve better---because you do deserve better.
...and there's my cue.
Thank you, thank you so much for bringing that up. Aside from the severe emotional symptoms from PMDD I get which cause me to become suicidal every time memories of my lost children get triggered, I'm glad you could manage to flat-out bring it up out of nowhere, right after that phase of the month tapered down so that I wouldn't drive my car into a lake. Thanks.
Also, thank you for bringing up posts I made under my anonymous username into my real user name previously and currently so that I have no anonymity whatsoever. You, however, remain anonymous and cryptically involved and strangely seem to remember the tiny little details of every single thing I've ever said so much so that I can't even remember if things you are bringing up are things I've ever even posted here, which leads me to become completely paranoid and suspicious of who you even are.
I wanted a response to my current post, not reminders of ranting vents I've posted over the years. The reason I don't bring any of that up here is because you have no idea how one-sided my previous posts were. I never revealed how manipulative I was or how much of MY fault at least 50% of that was.
I am entitled to my own guilt, you don't have to pass it off on someone else because you think you know how to read between the lines.
Two kids fell in love and screwed up along the way. The last few years of the relationship only crumbled because of inability to come to terms with what the child versions of ourselves did years before that. Have you no grasp of how difficult it was to hold it together through all the pain both of us experienced? Love was the glue that held us together and now that we're apart and have had plenty of time to reflect on everything that's happened, it's only acting as heart string that keeps us connected and unable to stop loving.
Once again, DONE posting here for a very long time.
I wanted a response to my current post, not reminders of ranting vents I've posted over the years.
------------------
And that's what you did get---a response. No one is claiming to know all the details of your relationship. However, when giving you advice, posters only have to go on what you've written.
As for your anonymous posts, it was you who outed yourself. When you posted anonymously, I didn't call you by your full screen-name. You also mentioned what happened in your relationship using both your name and your anonymous number.
Still---I do wish you the best and urge you to take to heart what was written in the first two posts of this thread.
Your story is quite serious and sad also.Your story tells that you want back him in your life again after a breakup.So i suggest you that if you want to move again in that relation then be mature about the mistake which may be a big reason behind your breaking relationship.So if you learn and get the solution of these problems then you can take another chance to again get your lover in your life.
Yes may be you will get over him.But it all possible if you want and have a strong determination to do so.Some times we get so hurted at that time we are unable to take any right decision to sort out our problems.So I assure that if you have strong desire and wish and also having positive attitude then it will quite helpful to get over him.
I would suggest that if you want to do that then it is very easy for you.The thing is you have to forget the time when you with him/her and all memory which make you hurt.This will really good for you.Its also better for you to move towards other thing which will keep your mind diverted from him/her.In a precis manner i would only say if you want then you can do that.
Home
Will I ever get over him? 
