Hi everybody. I need to start off with: I am not Jewish. My best friend is. We both lived in Boston for almost a decade where we became closer than sisters. She currently lives in Paris and I live in the U.S. Although we live so far from each other, we still remain best friends. We speak to each other at least once a week and have visited the other. I love her dearly, she literally is a gift from G-d to me.
Here's my question: She had been asking me to visit her for months but since I have 3 small children and live halfway across the globe from her, it was not easy. I finally got my husband to take a week off from work to watch the children so I could fly to see her. We both agreed on the week that I was to come up. As it turned out, it happened to be on the week of Shavuot. She had not noticed this as we made the plans and by the time she realized that it was Shavuot week, it was too late for me to change as I'd already gotten my plane tickets and my husband had already gotten coverage for vacation time (and it was a *week* before I was to go). So, I get to Paris, knowing very little of the language and my friend was unable to accompany me anywhere. I had to go off on my own in a foreign country to get food, etc as she could not cook, use any electrical appliance, phones, visit any stores, use public transportation, etc. I did accompany her to Synagogue which I had to leave as I was having a panic attack. The sermon was entirely in Yiddish, the women and children were upstairs where we had to crane our necks to even see what was going on, and the men were downstairs. I told her that I wanted to leave after about 45 or so minutes there as I was panicking (I have some issues from past religious abuse - not Judaism, other religion)and she said "fine" but was visibally perturbed. She said that she'd meet me outdoors afterwards. I sat outside to collect myself. After it was over, she met with me outside and said that she and her husband were going to an aquaintance's for lunch and I was free to join. They would be quoting scripture and talking religion. I declined because, aside from my anxiety about it in general, I had done that before with her and felt like a third wheel. Very uninformed and felt like I was being preached to. So I went back to my room and waited for her. She came back around 4:00 (synagogue was in the morning). I was on my own the entire day and, despite having bought a weeks worth of groceries for my friend and husband, I did not eat as the food was in their room. The next day, shavuot had ended and we went places together but then came Shabbat and again I was left to fend for myself. So aside from sitting in her room talking, I did very little else with her as she "couldn't" if she were to observe Shavuot. We had to only go to kosher places which comprised like 3 places even though it was not what I liked (food wise).
This happened a few months ago and I feel it has damaged our friendship. Isn't it more important to treat a friend with hospitality than to follow shavuot and shabbat to the letter? Or not? I did travel cross country and she did agree to the week. If it was that important of a holiday, why would she have forgotten it was Shavuot week to begin with? I am feeling really upset over this and if this is what Judaism is, feel dissapointed with that as well. I'm sorry to say this but before this visit, I had the utmost respect for and treasured Judaism for the truth and beauty it contained. I had even considered converting. Now I'm frankly, disgusted if following the rituals trumps valuing a human being because that's how I felt. Can anyone help me to understand this? Sorry if this is jumbled and hard to follow. Basically, I felt ignored in favor of religious rituals. Is this normal? Thank you,
I'm not a Jew but I understand their strict adherance to the letter of the Law as being extremely important to them. However, in this case, I think your friend should at least have found a Gentile who could spend some time with you. In other words, I think the answer is "both"-- rude and Judaism. She should have at least tried to see that you had a good time since the mixup was her fault and you spent a lot of money on the trip.
This happened a few months ago and I feel it has damaged our friendship. Isn't it more important to treat a friend with hospitality than to follow shavuot and shabbat to the letter? Or not? I did travel cross country and she did agree to the week. If it was that important of a holiday, why would she have forgotten it was Shavuot week to begin with? I am feeling really upset over this and if this is what Judaism is, feel dissapointed with that as well. I'm sorry to say this but before this visit, I had the utmost respect for and treasured Judaism for the truth and beauty it contained. I had even considered converting. Now I'm frankly, disgusted if following the rituals trumps valuing a human being because that's how I felt. Can anyone help me to understand this? Sorry if this is jumbled and hard to follow. Basically, I felt ignored in favor of religious rituals. Is this normal? Thank you,
I respond:
No, it was neither disrespectul or rude of her to follow the letter of her religion. Since you are such close friends, you should have spent some time checking to make sure that that your visit would notinterfere with her regilious practices.
You discomfort with this is one of the roots of the centuries long anti-semitism that culminated in the Holocaust.
Now, now, blaming a social mixup for anti-Semitism is wildly inaccurate. An anti-Semite would never have had a Jewish friend to begin with, let alone go to a lot of trouble to pay a visit overseas. Courtesy is a two-way street. Friends don't treat friends like that and pretend nothing happened, no matter what the religion.
It's a huge leap to go from an incident like this to "centuries long anti-semitism". It is equally unreasonable to expect Gentiles to keep track of Jewish holidays, especially when your Jewish friend fails to inform you.
If you expect Gentiles to be so aware, then what is your reprimand for the Jewish friend who "forgot" such an important holiday? If the Jews can overlook such a thing, then how can you expect others to do better?
Your eagerness to slap the anti-Semite label on someone merely for asking advice about this belies an attitude every bit as wrong as anti-Semitism. Please convince me that you're not a Pharisee.
KW: Now, now, blaming a social mixup for anti-Semitism is wildly inaccurate.
EF: Please cite where I said that.
KW: An anti-Semite would never have had a Jewish friend to begin with, let alone go to a lot of trouble to pay a visit overseas. Courtesy is a two-way street. Friends don't treat friends like that and pretend nothing happened, no matter what the religion.
EF: I made no claim that she is an anti-semite. My statement stands as written in the OP.
KW: It's a huge leap to go from an incident like this to "centuries long anti-semitism". It is equally unreasonable to expect Gentiles to keep track of Jewish holidays, especially when your Jewish friend fails to inform you.
If you expect Gentiles to be so aware, then what is your reprimand for the Jewish friend who "forgot" such an important holiday? If the Jews can overlook such a thing, then how can you expect others to do better?
EF: I don't. The point is that her response as described in her post was way disproportionate to the circumstances.
She *expected* her friend to not follow the dictates of her religion. When I visit a friend who is following the dictates of their religion, I am respectful of those, and, realize that they are my friend because of the way they are, religion and all.
As for the historical aspects of anti-semitism, she displayed several of them. Whether she is one or not remains to be seen.
Your eagerness to slap the anti-Semite label on someone merely for asking advice about this belies an attitude every bit as wrong as anti-Semitism. Please convince me that you're not a Pharisee.
EF, I know that this was not directed to me but feel the need to defend myself.
"The point is that her response as described in her post was way disproportionate to the circumstances."
Why? I flew halfway across the globe leaving my three little children with my husband for a week (I'm a stay at home mom and have never gone ANYWHERE for more than one *day* without seeing them so this was a BIG thing for me). We had both planned out this trip. And when I got there she could barely interact with me, leaving me to basically fend for myself in a foreign country. How am I responding "disproportionately"?
"She *expected* her friend to not follow the dictates of her religion. When I visit a friend who is following the dictates of their religion, I am respectful of those, and, realize that they are my friend because of the way they are, religion and all."
I did not *expect* my friend to *not* follow the dictates of her religion. I *fully* expected her to follow them! I didn't know about Shavuot all of the nuances, rituals, prayers, etc. of her religion. I didn't realize that I was going to be left alone in a foreign country. When she and her husband came to visit us for two days the year before she told me what she needed to be comfortable. So I *happily* went out and got new cooking utensils, silverware, cups as she said that she could not use anything that had ever touched anything non-kosher. I served only kosher meals (I was surprised to find out that almost everything I eat is Kosher anyways!). I made sure to give her and husband space and an entire room for prayer (Not easy with little ones and a small-ish house, but again I was *happy* to do it since I cared about her. I Got her to her parents before Shabbat so that she would not have to use transportation during that time. I did all that I could to make her comfortable this way. When I visited her, I went with her to Synagogue (yes, I had a bad experience but I *went* for *her* because she wanted me to). Also she prayed aloud to me at her apartment and I had no problem. I have never prevented her from following the dictates of her religion! I feel that you were assuming something untrue from your statement.
"As for the historical aspects of anti-semitism, she displayed several of them. Whether she is one or not remains to be seen."
I wanted to ask what the "several historical aspects of anti-semitism" were that I was displaying but then decided against it. If you believe this to be so, then so be it and I am sorry for having offending you. I have no hatred for any religion. I don't feel that we are our religions. I simply love my best friend regardless of what religion she practices. I feel that you are being prejudiced against me with this statement.
Does this sound familiar?
>>You discomfort with this is one of the roots of the centuries long anti-semitism that culminated in the Holocaust.<<
You clearly put "discomfort" and "centuries long anti-semitism" in the same sentence. I rightly assumed you said what you meant and meant what you said.
She bent over backwards to accomodate her Jewish friend, who did not even try to reciprocate. That's rude.
There are different forms of Judaism ranging from Orthodox to Reoconstructionist. You cannot use one single encounter with one Jewish person or family, as a basis of a conclusion about the whole of the Jewish people and way of life. Remember it takes all types to make a world.
I'm not even sure how to respond to the poster who accused me of being anti-semitic and that I should have 'researched' jewish holidays to see if any would interfere.
Wow. To respond, researching to see if any jewish holidays would interfere with my visit was a good idea but one that didn't cross my mind at the time. Since my friend said it was a good week originally (we had spent some time trying to figure out a week that was good) I didn't think I had a reason to question it. I just trusted her. About me being anti semetic: My gut reaction to that was that it sounded paranoid. Do you say that because I am not Jewish? Or because I don't study all of the the rituals and holy days in Judaism? As I stated earlier, I had considered converting to Judaism since I found it a beautiful, inspiring, brilliant religion. But I have since found a different path which is neither Jew or Gentile. I'm following my soul. Listening to G-d everyday and seeing the one-ness in all. Putting a label of anti-semitic on me is assuming something untrue.
My friend has only recently become an orthodox Jew. In fact, when she lived in the U.S. she never even attended Synagogue nor did she celebrate Jewish holidays or Shabbat. It is within the last two years that she has become orthodox so I was unfamiliar with what rituals she followed.
Thank you to all who responded. Your insightful posts were very appreciated!
An update: My friend and I have spoken many times since my visit. Although I love her dearly, I cannot be as close with her as I had previously. This has definately been an eye opening experience. I can only imagine what married Jews and non Jews go through! (I know, I know, a strict orhtodox Jew would not marry a non-Jew which then brings up the what about love question but I won't go there...)
Thank you so much. This has been very informative for me,
-El
My friend has only recently become an orthodox Jew. In fact, when she lived in the U.S. she never even attended Synagogue nor did she celebrate Jewish holidays or Shabbat. It is within the last two years that she has become orthodox so I was unfamiliar with what rituals she followed.
If that is so, then your friend was wrong to not inform you.
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Is this rude or judaism? 
