My husband and I have been in a loving relationship for over eight years now. We have two children the youngest is 4 years old. After giving birth 4 years ago things have just not been the same for me during sex. It's just not as tight as it used to be. I understand that is to be expected after giving birth, but it is a real concern. I have always been very tight and even sore after having intercourse. I can barely tell that we've had sex aferwards now.
We keep things fun and exciting and it's always pleasurable. I do orgasm with oral stimulation and touching. I have done everything from kegels to most recently (at the advice and prescription of my DR.) been using a vaginal stimulation therapy machine to help improve vaginal muscle tone. This has not helped either. I do have some urinary incontinence and slight problems retaining a tampon. (How embarrasing)!
My husband says he does notice a difference in the tightness, but it's not a big bother to him. I can't see how it wouldn't be. He has a large penis. It used to not be a problem. I can't feel anything on the inside while he's in there.
My Dr. says I have a small opening. I agree. I do feel the initial penetration. I spoke to him about having surgery to tighten things up on the inside. I did research that shows it's entirely possible. He examined me and says I'm not as loose as I feel like I am....he thinks surgery will make it too tight.
I'm lost. I'm only 27 years. old and don't want to have this on my mind all my life. I want the maximum experience out of sex that I used to have....I just need advice and if all you guys don't mind sharing some of your experiences with me...what do you think...same with the ladies....??? Need the advice please....
Have you had any experience with this device? Was just wondering. I am already using a physical therapy machine, but am open for suggestions/input.
Thanks
(1) Be sure your doing the Kegel exercises correctly. Increase the length of time that you 'hold' or keep the muscles contracted (like your stopping mid-stream), Do them any time you remember during the day and increase the amount of time you hold. (eg) if you hold now for 5 seconds.. the next time.. practice holding for 10 seconds for a while... continue increasing the hold after you reach a comfort level at the increased hold time.
(2) A very old fashion method that women used years ago before all the fancy Rx drugs was ALUM... YOu may want to do a goodgle search. Here is a site that specifically addresses your concerns (its a little 'graphic' or discriptive).. and its in 'advise' format... Question and answers.. forum style.
http://alt.com/magazine/advice/9283.html
(3) not to be inappropriate, but there is a difference between 'no feelings, Vs. 'tightness'. WHen your spouse uses his fingers and touches your "G" spot or the sides of your virgina.. Do you have feelings? If not, that may be more related to possible tearing or interference with the nerves up to the brain. Nerves grow back very slowly and may take more time to knit together.
(4) you stated that you do have orgasms during oral sex.. DO you now and have you ever had 'vaginal' orgasms (orgasms during intercourse)?
(5) How is your 'stress' levels.. Our sexuality and the abiity to enjoy sex is very much about 'being relaxed' or 'in your head'. As Im sure you know, what goes on in your head has a lot to do with how 'relaxed, open, receptive etc. you are. To the best of your knowledge, are you aware of any (even mild) 'anxiety'.. perhaps by being interrupted with the kids.. or of making too much noise, etc. Anxiety can interfere as welll with your abiity to experience orgasm. Many have problems with vaginal orgasms when there is even a slight amount of anxiety yet still experience oral orgasm.
(6) The most important thing to consider is ATTITUDE AND EXPECTATIONS. WIthout a doubt, this has gone on long enough for you to 'be a concern (your words). There is NOTHING that will interfere with your ability to Feel or experience orgasm then EXPECTATIONS or Anxiety about NOT HAVING AN ORGASM or FOCUSING on THAT AGENDA.. I'm sure you know that its far more important to ALLOW pleasure, then to FOCUS on 'the agenda' (having an orgasm). Since you are 'more or increasingly concerned' enough to be on this forum with this question.. You may have to 'step back' a little with the expectation or agenda. (ie) Being self- conscious over YOUR PERFORMANCE will only INCREASE YOUR ANXIETY and make it almost impossible to relax enough to allow an orgasm or just the 'really great feeling' and pleasure.
Good luck.. YEs I am a male...but have a lot of professional experience helping people with similar problems. I know this might have been a little more comfortable to hear from a female.. but my suggestions are based on experience.
Well, thank you very much for taking the time to reply in such detail. I do appreciate it. Where does you experience in this matter come from?
RE: Doing correct Kegels: My GYN prescribed a kegel retraining machine that is supposed to actually retrain the vaginal muscles. It's manufactured by Epi. I don't feel that this has helped a great deal. I've done a test on myself by inserting the fingers to feel the muscle conctractions (to see if I'm correctly contracting) I am, but it's not a gripping contraction.
RE: Alum: I assume it is internally safe? I will check out that website-thank you for that suggestion. I'm open to any.
Yes, I can feel the touching of my G-spot. It is very pleasurable. I enjoy the touching very much so. We both have enjoyable sex. We talk, get excited, laugh and over all enjoy....We..have a famous position (missionary) where he straddles me on his knees while pleasuring himself while making contact slightly inside my vagina...I'm also touching myself...I feel great pleasure in this...It's the moment when we finally get the intercourse that I have this overwhelming urge to feel more...to feel myself gripping him more..I feel him in there, it's just not that tight feeling I used to experience. I can contract while he's inside and he responds contracting back-we smile and joke about this...but I can squeeze as hard as I can and not grip him. After we're done, I just flushed, good and pleased,but always have the lingering thoughts of "Why can't it be tighter?" There's got to be a way.
My anxiety level is that of a normal person. I don't feel a lot of pressure in performing. I know we work well together and always please each other. It's only the urge to feel the tightness around his penis that bothers me. I want that old feeling back. You know the "Make it hurt so good" saying....that's what I want to feel again. I want to feel it inside enough to make me not be able to hold back the big moans. I know need it deep and hard to really feel anything. I used to not be able to handle this.
I just feel insufficient as a 27 yr. old woman. I only weigh 110 pounds and am in good health. I can't help but want a quick fix for this after dealing with it for 4 years. I remember having sex for the first time and many months after having my 4 yr. old son...I used to cry in the middle of sex and afterwards, because that feeling that I used to feel wasn't there. I have learned more to accept it now. I have spoken with my close friends and family and they aren't really understanding why I'm experiencing this. My mother had 6 children-I have 2, she has never experienced such a thing. I don't want surgery, but what will I do to get "that feeling" back again??? My husband is understanding. It's not a big issue for him, but it is for me.
Thank you so much for your time and replies. It is so appreciated!
Regarding the retraining machines advocated by your physician: These devices can and are good..because of what they do. THey provide 'resistance' to your muscular contractions.. hence, in many ways, Regular kegal exercises is like trying to strenghten your biceps by doing curls without weights..whereas these machines are like isometric exercises where you are pushing against an object to 'resist' the tightening, hence, the muscles do indeed tend to build up faster. From your post, I hear your sketicism buty I don't think you can truely evaluate the LONG TERM benefits by using your fingers to see if your doing the exercises right..obviously you are... Again, think of these machines like 'weight or isometric training' whereas you are 'stressing' the muscles sufficiently to force them to either increase in strength or retain better tone, etc. Personally, these machines are MUCH SAFER then alum or 'some other objects women insert.. JUst be sure to clean completely before and after each use. You said you exercise etc... hence you should be familiar with 'ankle weights', bo-flex machines etc... Bottom line.. if you wanted to seriously tone up and strength your muscles.. would you do simple curls without weights or would you invest in a machine or do resistence training? LIke weight or resistance training..THIS IS A PROCESS (what you are trying to accompolish).. not a 'feel good' technique... Doing Kegal's AND the machine is for long term benefit..it takes time, effort and energy.. Using these machines will 'stress' or give your vagina a good workout.. use them consistently, with patients and with purpose.. and I believe you will experience significant improvement... Make sense?
It sounds like you have a very loving relationship with a good man.. with that in mind.. consider the following:
For this moment ( I know, 4 years.. it is a long time), you are experiencing an important struggle. Since it sounds like you have a great deal of trust with your spouse, then share your struggle... (the benefits and value of being able to shar this with your husband will be wonderful in terms of INTIMACY.. PROVIDING that your husband is willing to listen WITHOUT just tryng to reassure you that 'its no big deal'.. (men do that to reassure).. but I am suggesting that you would really like to include him in this struggle but don't want yourself to make this 'a big deal' with hiim or have it interfer with the relationship. (ie) you don't want to come accross as a cry baby). BUT if that is the case.. you are doing a dis-service to yourself and the relationship.. TALK TO HIM (you may have to ask him to 'just listen, not talk or 'fix' or reassure.. but just hold you. THIS IS A BIG DEAL.. TO YOU.. It may not be 'critical' or 'THAT important to him.. but it is to you. Since your husband loves you, then allow him 'the gift' of your trust... His instincts will tell him that he needs to reassure you..but that is NOT what you need (yes, it helps, but that is NOT what you need).... You NEED him to KNOW and UNDERSTAND (the best he can, not being a women).. so HELP HIM to be the best husband he can be.. tell him what you need (to be heard, not given advise or reassurance)but just to 'hear'..
For right now.. this 'feels' like a kind of 'grieving' experience as you have lost something that was and is important to you (the WOW, Intensity, "Hurts so good' kind of experience)-- Trust your husband to walk through this with you.(again, this may require 'some training because it is so natural for men to FIX and they don't like to 'feel helpless' or not offer 'a solution'..that is what men do.
You said this is not performance anxiety.. Hmmmm.. No it is not.. you are not doing this for HIM.. but it IS ANXIETY FOR YOU... because you want and can't have that 'magical feeling', WOW, YES! experience, hence provokes anxiety for you ( when you go to bed, are you telling me you DON"T think, (in the back of your head) "Oh God, will I have that feeling tomight? Or will I be disappointed again that I don't have 'that feeling'..)<-- I am sugesting you do 'have the awareness' that I wish it were different'
Another consideration: (ie) REALITY. From your description of trying to recapture that OH MY GOd, I CAN't STAND THIS..ITS SO WONDERFUL, etc... might you not be experiencing some 'mild depression' that 'IT JUST AINT THERE ANY MORE" kind of awareness? I'm asking you to look at ALL aspects of your life and the subtle signs of depression (there are many).. Perhaps loss of interest in other aspects of your life, feeling a little more 'sensitive' about 'stuff' (that has nothing to do with sex); Perhaps the 'sense' that 'I'm carrying around a gray cloud inside or just that 'feeling' that somethings not right'.. Depression shows it self in very subtile ways that most of us miss..until things start to spin out of control. It is VERY possible that Hormones are playing a very key roll in this whole change in your sexual experiences. ONly your doctor can determine that via blood work.(suppression test (DMST)and/or with the help of a psychologist or paper and pencil depression inventory.
I am asking you to consider the last paragraph considering your statement: (1)I just feel insufficient as a 27 yr. old woman; & (2)I used to cry in the middle of sex and afterwards, because that feeling that I used to feel wasn't there.
THESE TWO STATEMENTS ALONE are indicative of depression.. Please consider them because if it is hormonal/biochemical.. many times some very brief psychotherapy or medication CAN BE THE MIRACLE your looking for. Nothing to be embarrashed about.. you are not alone.. and it may be something so simple as the depression or chemical imbalance that is playing havic on your self esteem, 'the magic feeelings' and 'sensations' etc.
As to your question about my personal expereince and how I know these things.... Not Here.. I don't want a barrage of advise seeker... I suspect you can guess what I do for a living.. but if it is that important, Ill respond to an email..so you can understand.
One more thing.. You mentioned that you are having trouble with incontinence. This is definately related to child bearing and nerve disruption at the bottom of the bladder (directly above the vagina). That usually is resolved within a year.. SInce your difficulty has gone on for a longer then usual amount of healing time, you may want to consult with your physican.
Again, not to be inappropriate, but some Male GYN's do not appreciate the importance of your struggles and just 'blow you off' or discount your concerns as 'what do you expect lady, you had too babies.. <--they can very VERY insensitive.... if thats the case.. find a female GYN...they know and can relate on an emotional level
Use a great deal of caution if your considering surgery.. I've seem too many 'butcher jobs'. Its not worth it.
Thanks again for your concern and replies. I have spoken with my GYN re: Urinary Incontinence. The kegel retrainer is supposed to help this. I don't think it is. It's not bad, but enough to be embarrasing at times. Horse riding, jumping on the trampoline with the kids, coughing, sneezing and other stress related activities seem to have an affect. I heard the surgery, can help this and the vaginal wall tightness. That's what I feel like I need my vaginal walls to literally be pulled together some. I feel the friction of intercourse on the outside, as I have a small opening, but it's the friction on the inside I can't feel. I feel him inside of me, just not the friction as I used to. It's like being in a small room and bumping up against the sides of the walls, but not literally rubbing up against the side of the walls. It's just not a tight fit on the inside. Again he has a large penis, I choke during oral, and have had no problems until my second child with the intercourse. During the examination with my GYN (he is empathetic) I think he is just against surgery if at all possible, he told me It's not that bad. He had me do the kegels so he could check and says I'm doing them right. I feel the kegels, but feel like I'm restricted on how tight I do them due to my vaginal walls being to far apart????? Thanks again and am open to anymore comments/advice. I really do appreciate it!
Besides kegal's and the machine to tighten your vaginal muscles.. Another 'technique' might be to go to your local pharmacy or 'supply store'.. purchase a syringe (10->20cc)(without the needle).. Go home, fill it with water, insert, and practice holding the water inside of your vagina.. (Its very hard to do and will give your vaginal muscles a work out) AGAIN.. TAKE THE NEEDLE OFF (It unscrews)..before inseting.
I really do appreciate how frustrating and the struggle you feel. Try if you can.. just for a moment, to let go of your 'critical' judgements of 'how things are right now'... "Im incompetent..'but this 'hurts'(loss), etc. <--those are ongoing judgements of yourself..THATS NOT FAIR TO YOU.. Yes, the feelings are important because they tell you 'somethings not right' (thats what our feelings are suppose to do.. make us aware.)... but as you are very aware of, our feelings are effected by SOOOOOO many things and change 100 times a day, depending on what we are thinking, who we encounter, events outside of us etc...
I am asking you for this momment: "NOT to get attached' to this one particular feeling.. it is one of MANY feelings you experience in a day.. You have tons of feelings in the course of a day.. DO NOT JUDGE THEM OR FIX THEM. In other words, 'take a 'mental vacation' from the 'pressure or stress' of your curent physical awareness.. Allow it to be...without judgements or trying to FIX.
You are right about the tons of feelings one has in a day. That is very true. I am working on not letting this issue 'own me.' The one thing that makes it the most difficult is that I am supposed to be doing these kegels all day long and I use my Phys. therapy machine every single night (the nights I don't have sex). It's hard to let go of an issue, when it is with you everyday (continous therapy/kegels). But I will try my hardest to take it day by day and accept each experience for what it is. I can't thank you enough. My GYN (as you mentioned in a previous post) doesn't even get this in depth with it. He's a great guy, but as most, appears to be too busy to stop and discuss the heart of the matter.
Thanks
What is your opinion on the Alum douche? Where would I begin looking for a reputable company that distributes such a thing. I see some online, but this is a sensitive thing...I want to make sure it's safe and effective. Suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks
My opinion of alum.= Its a very very old, BUT short term tempory solution. Again, it was used years ago to 'make it feel' tighter. In many ways, it acts like as astringent that you use on your face.. (ie) your skin FEELS tighter so that if you touch a part of your face, you 'FEEL' your entire face tingle or move. It does NOT do anything long term.. nor effectively strengthen and tighten the numerous muscles of the vagina. Years ago, women would use it before intercourse (more so to 'give the man' the sensation of the vagina being 'tight'). In your posts, I do hear, loud and clear, how important this is to you. Please, you seem to be a conscientious and responsible women so do not do things out of desperation. Alum is NOT a miracle solution. WOuld I recommend your use it... NO. Not so much because its a 'dangerous' chemical...rather I am not a big believer or things that offer short term solutions or 'fixes' (temporary). Further, your vagina, while being a wonderfully self-healing and protective structure (natural lubricants, chemically balanced etc), it is also very sensitive to ASSAULTS by chemicals, bacteria, yeast and fungal problems, etc. It has darn near perfect balance to stay healthy considering it is directly connected to your other internal organs (vagina-->cervix-->Uterus-->fallopian tubes-->overies. (there is a space between the tubes and overies that opens directly into the body cavity) and the outside environment. By using alum or any 'stuff' that changes that Ph + chemical balance runs the risk of upsetting that balance..hence making you more vulnerable to diseases and infections (yeast, candida, etc. The most common complaint is dryness.
I would NOT suggest you use it unless you have a long talk with your OBG or GYN.
As to where to get it: It use to be very available in your local pharmacy... But with todays pharmacies and the fact that they don't do a lot of 'compounding' (making their own drugs).. I don't know if they would have in stock..BUt it can be easilly ordered.
Again, This is NOT a long term solution and will not do anything to actually decrease the diameter of your vagina significantly to give you that "WOW" experience your looking for.
Sorry.. I know what I just said is disappointing to you.. but I would not want you to do anything to upset the natural physical balance that is very important for ALL of your bodily functioning.
hehe.. As luck would have it, I went out shopping and was looking in the spice department of my local grocery store.. and guess what I found.. ALUM.. Hence, check your grocery story.. it now is classified 'as a spice' obviously and is used in canning and putting up pickles.. Hehe.. If you use, lets hope it doesn't put YOU in a pickle... hehe..LOL. SMILE :}
How hilarious!! Yes, I am smiling! Actually, I laughed out loud on that one! Not sure If I'll be trying it, or not. That is a sacred area to experiment with....I sent you a few emails.
Thanks again and I'm always up for your advice!
As a matter of fact, I must of missed that warranty, the same way I missed the fact that you were a *%#&¤?§* as I glanced at a couple of your posts. I was getting the impression that you were a semi intelligent man. I was obviously wrong. Seven years Huh? That was an obvious slam on such a sensitive topic in my life. What type of credentials do you have anyway, *%#&¤?§* ?
I see that you sit around and give others advice on a wide variety of topics, why don't you back off and take a breather, before you decide to be so harsh next time. You obviously don't think before you speak, or write.
I am an intelligent, pretty, extremely fit and healthy, professional women (not conceited, but aware)that loves humor and laughs pretty easily. Your comment was not in good humor. I've wasted enough time on you writing this. That's all I'm gonna say.
This was a pretty un-sensitive response to a serious topic. You may have intended for it to be a light comment, but it wasn't taken that way by the person with the issue, and I would venture to guess that anyone else who read it wouldn't think it was appropriate either.
I think you should consider a heart-felt apology.
On the subject... I had seen on Oprah of all places that there are actually weights that are made for strengthening these muscles. I did a quick search, and found this:
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Vagina not as tight as it used to be 
