Yea, I never would have thought this would happen to me..but here goes: I found out recently that my husband has been having an "emtional only" relationship with his administrative assistant. I found out by intercepting a 12:45am phone call made by him and then returned by her. When confronted with this he denided even knowing the phone number and couldn't imagine why it was on his phone at that time. Yea, actually totally dendied any part of it. I tried to talk to him about it and even said that I called the number and it was his assistant's home phone, but he still denied making or receiving that call. He then got mad at ME and said that our family weekend was off cause he didn't want to fight about it. A week later, when he was out of town on business, I went to his office and asked the CFO of the company for my husband's phone records. (made up a whopper story as to why I needed them b/c he is the COO of the company and I didn't want a fall out till I had all the info.) Anyway, what I found out was heartbreaking. I could see from the phone bills that he has called this woman first thing in the morning and last thing on the way home from work for at least a year. HE called her nearly every weekend and of course on holidays. I took the bills home and confronted him. He at first was hostile but quickly turned into a sobbing mess. Amitting that he and this person talked outside of work and that he was totally wrong to do this and that loved me and didn't want to lose me, blah blah blah....
He told the assistant/friend that it would be best if she found another job, which she has and her last day in tomorrow. While he has said and done some of the right things to start trying to fix this, I still can't help to feel that he wouldn't ever have admitted to any of this had I not had the goods on him. He swears it was just a non judgemental person to talk to and that he could be a fixer of her problems as well. (althoug he runs the other direction totally when it comes to talking about OUR problems.) I really think that this relationship was more but have no way of proving it and as i have said, i think he will only confess to what I can prove. He has given me permission to look at any bills at any time and said that he has a lot of work to do to rebuild my trust. HE is also working on arranging a counselor through his employee asstistance program. So, he is talking the talk and sort of walking the walk, but man I am still so hurt and mad at what this has done to us. What is your gut feel on this??? Did he only confess to what he had to? To make all of this worse, he has moved our family to Canada from Texas and I have been feeling so lonly and isolated (mainly by him) that I just want to go home to family and friends. I have no support here for something like this. Suggestions?? Thanks
Been there done that. What was your feeling for him prior to all this? Definitely go to the counselor. Get everything out in open and ask your questions in front of someone else. Ask enough and the lies will come out. If he really has a change of heart and is sorry for what he has done you may want to hold on. If he doesn't you may as well move on. It'll be misery from now on.
God bless.
I have an exceedingly hard time believing this was only a platonic relationship. If it was why hide it from you? Why not invite her over for dinner to meet you, or at the very least (if we want to wear blinders about this) mention the friendship a few times in passing? People don't hide things when there is nothing to hide.
If I were in your shoes, I think I'd call this woman and ask her what their relationship was like. She might just come clean. Did she know he was married? Even if she did she may have her own motivation to share the truth. If she's the kind who knowingly sleeps with a married man, she might be motivated to tell you so that she can pick up the pieces if you leave him. If she didn't know he was married, she might just be pissed and want you to know.
If I were in your shoes, this girl would in the very least be getting a phone call from me. IF she said that they slept together I'd want dates and times that it happened. I'd also like to know one or two things that she would only be able to answer if she had been intimate with him. (That way he won't be able to confuse you later with lies) Other than that, I would try to avoid details, as the more details you have the harder this will be to put behind you.
If the answer is yes, and you are convinced of it, AND you still want to stay with the guy and trust him again I wouldn't do it without giving him one last chance to redeem himself and "walk the walk" as you say. Making sure there was no time or oportunity for this girl to call your hubby and tell him that she confessed, Sit him down and ask for honesty one more time. Tell him you're willing to rebuild the marriage, but "_only_ if it is based on trust from here on out. I have to be able to really trust you to be honest with me, so I want you not to answer this question right now. I want you to think about it very long and hard in five minutes you can tell me; did you ever have anything more than a platonic relationship with this woman?" If he says no, kick his ass to the curb, and hire a good lawyer, you will never have a successful marriage with a this man.
If he says yes, take two valium and call Dr. Phil.
You know I re-read what you said above. Why on earth would he be calling her at 12:45 am?! You don't call friends at 12:45 am just to chat about life. What you do call for is a nookie run if you are a turd cheating on his wife. You said he called her mornings, evenings, weekends, and holidays?!? On just what planet, do you have to be to accept that THIS is a platonic relationship? It doesn't even sound as if it could possibly pass as two people who were having casual sex. It is a serious relationship.
Even if the girlfriend doesn't admit to it I'd give him one last chance to come clean and walking papers if he doesn't.
Well, I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. Best of luck in whatever you do.
Gardeninginthefog
You ask and it is so. I'm just like a genie in a bottle...give me a little rub and WALAHHHHH, I appear! Unlike the perverbial genie, my wishes are limitless. You get as much advice as you can stand. I admire women like you that don't stick their head in the sand and hope it will only go away. You attack problems head on and accept no excuses. Doesn't mean there won't be crappy times like this, but you play the game with the cards dealt to you...and for that you receive the Bush/Cheney medal of honor.
I'm going to tell you things you know and some things you need to hear in order to sort this mess out. My line for women is: You Deserve Better. One of my favorite messages going. You deserve a man that doesn't lie; that's not asking for too much, trust me. I want a woman with me that doesn't lie or falsify events or even lies by ommission. Imagine that! You've got a husband that has done all three. He took you away from family and friends (can't blame that totally on him, COO position with more financial security?) but I can see why you now feel like you're on a desert island. Your guy is a bold-face liar and cheat. And you're right, he's been doing much more than he's confessed. He only told you because you caught him, plain and simple. Guys do this all the time. Standard operating procedure for liars. I've had a ton of liar-friends throughout the years and I know how they work. You don't know the half of it! He's screwing her. You caught him. Now, the real question on the table of life is: What would a stellar gal like you do with that information? Tough call. Real tough call. I know what I'd do but not knowing how you handle being lied to and cheated on, well, personally liars are in my "top 3" offenses that I have a real hard time accepting. You'd have to offer a ton of positives, and I MEAN A TON OF POSITIVES to even get close to me forgetting that you were doing another behind my back. I just don't tolerate it. You know, life just doesn't offer enough time to build a life with someone from the ground floor, develop trust over time, get screwed over, years of getting over it, then starting all over again...especially with no real assurances that he'd ever really change. You get one, short, crack at life. I want to spend every adult day I own with a honey that fulfills my requirements. I'm not in this life to "rehab" people from whatever vice they occupy. You mention that he wanted to solve her problems but avoid yours. That's another red flag! I'm sure there are others. Before yet another week passes I sure would talk to friends and loved ones about this mess he's created in your life. Trust is a woman's #1 cherished trait with a man. If you guys out there haven't learned by now, learn it tonight. Women want security. Women want the truth. Without it...you're just another guy out in the world. With trust, you gain the respect and admiration needed for a successful relationship. I'd think about going home for awhile and clearing my head. You're in the driver's seat on this deal now. If you can come up with overwhelming reasons to keep him, then do that. If you are even with the board or slightly below...you know what you've got to do for your future happiness. Keep me in the loop...
You've turned out to be quite popular Bush/Cheney04, that's good to see, last time I was here you were popular for all the wrong reasons, heh.
Glad to see people wake up and read the actual message instead of criticising some of the comments they might find negative...
Nice work Dew, I've learned more than enough from all your posts, you're probably going to end up saving me years of trouble to come. I encourage you to keep doing your magic, you've helped alot more people than you know.
It is totally natural for you to have some postitive expectations of this developing into something more than an online relationship.
Please understand that you arten't telying on wires or chis for a relationship though I can certainl relate to your feelings. I thought I was nuts too.
Approx 5 years ago I met my husband in a chat room. I wasn't looking and neither was he. It was in a room on a site about divorce...I had gone there about a year previously to get advice on my divorce and got into the habit of frequenting the chat room...since I had two children and wasn't the type to do bars.
Anyway, we met and the next day he emailed me. There was such a strong connection right from the start. After one week I knew we would be married. I don't know what it was...we just connected and had so much in common. Problem was...I was in the States and he in the UK. I reasoned...how is anything EVER going to happen here. In fact, the night I met him I remember thinking..."Nice guy, too bad he's in the UK."
Well, long story short we believed God to work everything out and He did. We met six months later. He came and stayed for three months. We met with my pastor and couseled for marriage. He then went back and started the immigration process which miraculously went through in a record 14 days from when we filed for the K-1 visa.
There were so many things that happened along the way that we took as certain signs that we were meant to be together...so many I could write a book.
One of the more wonderful things about meeting online was the fact that there was no pressure to be prematurely physical with each other.
We got to know each other so well because all we could do was talk and share things with each other over the phone or online. Even after we met we decided to wait till we were married to be intimate.
I have to tell you...when I picked him up from the airport the first time we met face to face...I immediatly felt so comfortable...like we had known each other forever.
Anyway, I just want you to know that it is surely possible that this can become something wonderful for the both of you. Watch his emails and what he says for consistancies and inconsistancies. When you do finally meet see if his actions match his words and if you are a person of prayer...pray all the way through this. Use your head and while I will tell you to enjoy the emotional part of this do be very careful and trust your instincts. If any red flags arise...and I mean ANY...you stop. Put on the brakes and take a step back.
God has someone wonderful for you...wait for the cue and then proceed. We all want to be loved and have someone to love but it will be all for naught if it is not the one God wants for us.
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emotional infidelity strikes again. Bush/cheney are you there for help? 
