Mama let me read in here to understand my dad. But I don't. Mama divorced him when I just turned 7 and Laura was almost 4. He was real mean to us but mostly mama. He is older. Mama married him when she was 18 and he was 35. He has two other daughters (my half sisters) and he abandned them when he married mama. I now have a realtionship with them and they are now 31 and 28 years old.
I love my dad and i miss him very much and i don't know why really. When mom and dad were married he always took job real far away and left mama and us alone for real long periods of times with no car and he didn't send us money like he was suppsed to so we went without a lot of the time. I remember mama having to borrow a neighbor's car to go grcoery shopping, but most times we had to walk to the store for food. It was a long walk. I remember being jealous Laura got to be in the stroller. I rmember mama taking in boarders to help with the house and groceries. We had a sheriff and his sister living with us for about a year to help mama. We became such a happy family with them. I miss them. This was a long time ago.
When he'd - my dad - come home to visit us it was always fun. He took us to fancy restaurants and fun places like the zoo and sea world and six flags. Then he'd vanish, and we'd be starved again for food and love. I remember waking up at night when he'd be home on a visit, and hear him yelling real mean things at mama. I'd cry. Then get mad. But then the next morning he'd be so happy I'd forget all about it. I remember it now though.
Mama really tried to keep our family together. When he took that last job in Washington DC mama moved our entire house by herself in a large storage unit. She packed it real tight all the way to the ceiling. And we surprised dad by showing up at the motel where he was staying. Mama drove us up thereand it took us three days.
We settled in Richmond Virgina, and we lived in a townhouse, and we had none of our special things. I remember shopping at garage sales for our furniture. I was so happy to see my dad again. I was a daddy's girl. His Pooh-Monster.
Dad was real mean to mama and real nice to us. I was real mad at mama when she left him and came back to Texas. And after Mama left him he decided to move back to Texas for good too. After the divorce he wanted to see us all the time. I look back on it now and realize he helped me stay mad at Mama. He would tell me terrible things about her and I beleived him.
He moved far away to Houston, but still saw us all the time. He even took us to Houston. Then things started to happen that I knew wasn't right. Like one time he took me and Laura to a party, and we had to stay there all night. And when it was time to leave I was scared because I knew he was drunk. I was scared all night that night because all the grownups around me were drunk. I told him I didn't want to go. I held on to the stairs, and he grabbed my arm real hard and squeezed with a caring smile on his face because other people were watching. When I started to cry, he squeezed harder. I cried all the way home scared we were going to have a wreck. When I asked to call Mama the next morning to come get me he wouldn't let me.
I called her anyway when he fell asleeep on the couch and Mama drove all the way to Houston to come get us, and he wouldn't open the door. I looked out the window and cried to see Mama out there to take us home, and he wouldn't open the door. Mama stood out there and cried too. Mama went to the police but they said they couldn't help her. Mama had to drive all the way back to Abilene without us.
The next time we went to Houston, dad was blowing into something in his truck to make it start. We thought it was really cool. Like a magic trick. One time we had to get in there and he asked Laura if she wanted to start the truck for him and of course she jumped up and down and said yes!
When we came home Laura told mama about the magic trick and how she got to start the truck for daddy. Mama got mad. I could tell.
Now I know what that was, and why he had laura blow for him. That is not right.
We never had to go back to Houston after that, and I was happy. I love my dad but I didn't want to be so far away from Mama any more after that. I didn't feel safe anymore.
Mama put us in counselling, and we scheduled a meeting with dad. I was brave to confront him on some things, and we had my counselor there and a police officer there to make sure I felt safe. I stood up to him. I was 11 years old. I told him I loved him but I didn't appreciate his playing with my emotions anymore. Twisting the truths about things. Taking us to parties and driving drunk. Having Laura blow into the breath thing on his truck. In front of everybody he denied it and told me I was exaggerating. My dad called me a liar in front of everybody. I was scared and shocked.
Mama took him to court after that. The judge listened to Mama, and me, and dad. Dad denied everything and told the judge that Mama is sick and needs help. He told the judge that Mama is feeding me lies. The judge told dad that there will be no more visits to Houston, and when he comes to see us in Abilene that we have to have supervised visits from now on.
Dad cried in the elevator at the courthouse. He told me he loved me with all his heart and that I will always be his Pooh-monster even though I was making a real big mistake here. He told me he's sorry he's not good enough dad to me. And that one day I'll grow up to realize there is no such thing as perfection, and I'll also learn the truth about everything. Mama said, "Frank. Please stop." Dad winked at me.
That was five years ago.
I never heard from him again. He never called, never wrote, never sent us a birthday card. nothing.
Part of me wants to call him. Part of me wants to write him a letter and send him my picture. I've grown so much since he last saw me. I'm real smart and in all advance honor classes in high school. I made the high school basketball team which is hard to do. I feel guilty for driving him away.
Sometimes I feel it is my fault, even though I know it's not. Sometimes I feel it is Mama's fault, even though I know it's not.
Sometimes I am real mad at him, and sometimes I really love him. Sometimes I just wish he'd come back and love us.
Mama says as long as we are underage she needs to protect us as much as she can, but when we turn 18 we can do as we please in regard to Frank. I understand what she means, i think, but part of me resents her for that.
And then I feel guilty some more.
I have so much more to want to talk about, but I've talked too much already.
I have a wonderful step-daddy. I used to call him daddy. He loves me like a real daddy. But now I don't even want to call him Daddy anymore because I keep thinking about Frank.
Am I turning into a bad person?
Mama said I'd probably find some real good friends here to help me understand what going on better. She said she's too close to the forest to see the trees.
Mama already gives me good advice, and I told her that.
But Mama said sometimes you need to hear the voices of someone else to make my voice have credability.
I love my Mom.
Am I okay? Should I call my dad? Or should he call me? Should I write my dad? Or should he write me? Who is the responsible one in this situation? Should I make the first move?
Why doesn't my dad love me?
and please forgive me for the typing I've said too much to go back and fix it. If it were a paper for school i would. In fact, Mama proofreads everything for us before we turn it in, but I'm on my own with this project. well, kinda. That's why I'm here!! I don't want to be alone anymore.
ps My sisters have babies now. My dad doesn't even know he's a grandpa. Isn't that alittle too much? Shouldn't he at least know? This family is all torn apart and I want to bring us back together. Part of me says it's not my responsibility and antoher apart of me says why not? I'll never know unless i try.
One time I was eating cereal at the table while dad was cleaning his dad's police gun. He started crying and put the gun in his mouth. I screamed and knocked over my bowl. Milk went everywhere. Look what you did!
I'm crying. What are you doing Daddy?
Mama came into the kitchen and he said "why don't you ask you mother?" She didn't know he had the gun and he whipped around and jumped real fast and shoved her into the refrigerator. I ran into my room and I heard him yell if you take my babies away from me I will kill you.
It's things like that I can't forget and want to talk about. I hope Mama doesn't mind me talking about this, but it's part of my life, too.
I am not sure what to say to you. You have experienced so much in your young life. It is sad that you and other children have to be the products of abuse from your parents. My son saw me abused. I do not know but I would not be surprised to find out he thought it was my fault.
Your mom is right, it is her responsibility to keep you as safe as she possibly can. Unfortunately, by keeping you safe, it means to keep you from your dad. Yet, at this time, it is best for you. I pray that you can release the guilt you feel for knowing you are better by not being with your dad. I also pray that you can release the guilt for thinking it is your mom's or your fault for 'sending' your dad away. It truly is not.
She had to leave your dad...for ALL of your safety. If your mom was not around, due to anything your dad may have done, who would have taken care of you and Laura?
You are okay, sweetheart. You are excelling in your life. Way to go on your classes and basketball team! You are the best of the best!
As for feeling guilty about your stepdad, if he is taking care of you, there is no guilt. Please know that. If he is doing what your dad did not, this explains why you feel as if you can call him "daddy". You can continue because your 'father' chose to let you be. As your mom says, when you are 18, you can do what you feel is right for you, until then appreciate that you found a stepdad that cares for you, as if you are his.
Lindsey, I can not say what to do about your dad except that you are NOT the responsible party in this case. Either, wait until you are 18, to 'find' him or let him contact you first, before 18.
Sweetie, you are not a bad person. This you also need to know~!
I am sorry I can not answer about the 'love of your dad', only he can.
I hope this helps you in some way.
OH and as for the other post about your sisters having babies, I really don't think your dad is too concerned. If he were, he would have kept contact with them. He is a grown man!
Please know that you are a very strong young woman, that has excelled against your father's circumstances!
Number 1, the adult is always responsible to and for the child.
That's why we call young people children...as mature and knowlegeable as the child may be, they can never have all the needed experience to know what is right to do or think.
Some children never do figure it all out...they grow into confused adults.
The best you can do is to...
...Notice what people in your family do to help you...the things that give you that warm feeling of being cared for and about.
...Appreciate what it took them to accomplish the good things you do have. Say so, and work with them as best you can, and,
...Avoid wishful thinking. This is difficult sometimes, but realize that things you wish for may not be the way you would like them to be.
Know this, little one...someday you can look for your wishes and daydreams. You will have better judgment of what you like, and what is possible, then.
Meanwhile, study all you can about your own future...the future you can make with your own hands and intelligence.
Go to the library and ask about things in this world that interest you. Read. There are wonderful things in books that you haven't yet dreamed.
The things you are interested in, and learn, will become part of the rest of your life. It's like riding a bicycle, you will learn most easily at this age, and you will never forget.
Would you like to learn Italian? Now is the time.
Have you ever planted a garden? Or, sprouted mung beans in a jar on the kitchen counter? Or, spent an evening with puzzles?
Could you write a page on what your sibling likes best? Can you develop into a fine runner, carefully strengthening your talent? Have you gone for a hike with friends, packing a lunch? There is much to be seen on just a quiet walk around the block.
I loved to build houses, in my mind...still do. My first was a huge wooden packing case, sunk into the ground. Ever seen a geodesic dome? What holds it up?
This is the time of your life to discover things you can easily and safely do, without 'complications'. Ask your family to guide you. Ask those who are here, today.
You will see more, and understand more, someday in the future.
Now, enjoy being a child...and do it with those who are near. This is a very special time in your life. You'll see.
you are in such good hands, my dear. your mother not only gave you life, it sounds like she continues to save it and nurture it. this is not something that mothers do automatically or without a price to pay. it is a choice they make and they do it at great personal cost. you will see this more clearly if and when you become a mother yourself.
the focus of your thoughts on your dad is understandable. i truly believe your dad loves you, but he is not capable of showing it in a safe and meaningful way.
the fact is your dad is sick. this is the kind of illness that spills over onto those around him and can do them great harm. this is what your mother is protecting you from. there is physical harm like from a drunken wreck. then there is the mental and emotional harm. that rollercoaster of love/hate being generated by his actions is not good for a developing child. like bending a young sapling, that bend will be in that oak tree a hundred years from now, forever a part of that tree.
i dont have enough information to know if your dad is a narcissist proper, but the tendencies are there. that is not important anyway. that is important is what you chose to do with what you know. your dad has sent mixed messages to you. well, every message must have a transmitter and a receiver. and like a radio, you can listen to some stations and never tune in to other ones. you know the goofy sixties station is there, but you pass right over it and dont spend your time listening to the archies sing sugar sugar. you instead listen to the station that makes you feel good, the one that you identify with, the one you can talk to your friends about and read about in magazines.
this is the gift your mother has given you. instead of being forced to listen to the emotional rollercoaster station, you now have a choice. the station is still there, she cant change that. she cant stop you from thinking negative thoughts about her or your dad, but neither are you forced into it.
you also need to decide who your dad is. i never knew my biological dad and i tell you, i have the best dad in all the world, alive and well. i am lucky that he is all i have ever known. that other guy isnt a dad. in fact, i was in my forties when i was told(after my mom died). imagine that! i never knew anything and yet it still effected me, so i know how you are torn. you have to decide, "does this define me, or do i define it?"
you need a dad to show you how a man treats a woman. if you dont consider carefully, you could soon find yourself with a guy just like Frank and with a little girl just like you. its your choice.
What trapper said ("does this define me, or do i define it?") is very important and is usually not noticed for being VERY important. You have to define yourself (not just now, but will always). Right now, you define yourself as your mother's daughter (it'll always be, of course). Since you have love in your heart, you love Frank and will always have that dream in your heart of "it could have been better", but you must also realize that he is not and never will be capable of returning true love as YOU know it in your heart. You will experience many situations in life that require you to be able to have a clear mind about the love that you should expect from others (school, dating, etc.) and you must always realize that Frank simply doesn't have the ability to match what is in your heart. If a person cannot "match" what is in your heart, then you shouldn't have a relationship with them, but a person who has the desire to OUTDO (surpass) what is in your heart, they are the person for you (whether they succeed is not the point, I don't think, love doesn't make sense, that's how you know it is true love, love goes BEYOND rationality). You are learning love now (your mother is the 'reference point', learn from her, don't 'study' her, LEARN [from] her, she is your hero), but in time, you will have to take stock in yourself (know yourself, define YOURSELF to yourself, don't define or compare yourself to the world) and BE who you are.
Love is spoken of as being in the heart (not exactly correct, love is in the MIND). The MIND (not 'BRAIN', the brain is a physical organ, the mind is not) is the combination of brain, conscience and the soul of a person all working together, but many people ignore conscience and never complete their "soul" (they will tend to be unkind to strangers because they simply don't have the ability to understand TRUE love). Don't be swayed by an artificial personality, it is only their true 'NATURE' that might have the ability to yield true love. Always keep a good reference point.
Childhood and family situations can last a lifetime, never forget where you came from (it is what made you who you are), but don't carry your past with you.
A lot of the elements in your story remind me of my relationship with my own father. I'm thrity and I still haven't figured out all these things! You sound so bright and capable. You have a wonderful mother! You're okay.
I would wait awhile to call your father. Maybe when you're older. Right now you're so fragile, and I would hate to have you put yourself out there and be hurt again by him. I am speaking from experience here. Your mom is doing such a good job of protecting you, and you should also protect yourself. It's his responsibility to get in touch with you.
I am sure your father does love you in his own way, for whatever reason he just can not express it or be the father you need.
First, your Mom is amazing. What a great great mama. You are more than fortunate. I would have given anything for my mom to be so smart, wise, and a good fighter. She got you away from a bad situation and found a good man to help raise you and your sis. Frank did you a favor by getting out of the picture. He was not well and would have damaged you and your sis even more. He did the right thing, even though it may have not been for the right reasons. Try not to think about him too much. Just concentrate on your nice life right now and live in the moment. Do not have any false notions about Frank. Be realistic.
Be grateful you have a good daddy at home and look to him for a male role model. Being a daddy is earned, not granted by biology. You have a good dad and mom and just focus on that and make the best out of your life. All of you are doing a bang up job! I loved your story and continue the good work. That is just great!
You sound like your really struggling and i know this isn't easy...
The important thing to know is that your going to be ok.
You won't understand this now, but you will.
Don't try to dive in to understand it all cause you won't,
but one day it will make more sense to you.
You are loved -- you'll know this too and realize that
altho things seem bad, they are actually serving you and later you'll see
that iti happend to make things work out for the better..
Your story is similar to mine. My mom died just before my second birthday. I lived with my grandmother since my birth because my mom was in a sanatorium with TB. I saw her only once. My grandmother treated me great, but after I became three my dad remarried, my grandmother left immediately and my stepmother moved in. I still remember the day. She was the typical mean stepmother and I was heart broken to extreme when I lost the only person I ever knew. Just as your dad was often drunk, so was mine & he and my step mother fought all the time.
I won't go into the whole story, but my growing up years were terrible, except when I visited my grandmother. When I became six, I then stayed with her every weekend and that was great, but I hated to go back home.
The scars from all this ruined my life till I was thirty one. Till then I felt I was useless and a complete failure. I had no confidence and often wished I were dead. I was extremely shy and had no confidence till the age of 31 when I went into a small business and everything changed. Being a very shy, caring person because of my grandmother's love and devotion, the business prospered. I became very confident and spent much of the business profit to help other people believe in themselves. I had a great hunger to help people to prove that I was worthy.
But it took another 42 years when I lost one of my two businesses and a great deal of money as the result of misplaced trust which became the second best thing that ever happened to me. The first was having a terrible childhood that made me the person that I am today.
I vowed to make something come out of this so great that I'd be glad it happened, but it had to be something I could not make a cent on.
All this led me to a man who made the greatest health discovery in history which now occupies more than half my time helping people get well at no cost.
Then I found the most important lesson of my life. I learned that God truly made everyone of us perfect, but because of what we learn in the process of growing up we often have very bad software, our recipe for life which prevents us from being happy and believing in ourselves.
I then realized that it was not my stepmother's fault or anyone else's because it was their life's experiences that led them to make the choices that they did. I no longer hated anyone regardless of what they did. I forgave my stepmother and the people who stole my business because there really wasn't anything to forgive. They helped give me a life I never dreamed possible. It is a life so wonderful that I'd rather be broke and know what I know than be a billionaire and not know it. I know that you will find the same thing. Because of all the pain you have suffered, you will one day want to help other people to be rid of their pain and you will be very successful at it and that I believe will be your very special genius that you will one day share with the world. Each of us comes into the world with a wonderful talent and genius that we must share with the world. I was groomed by much pain and suffering to be able to use mine and now I'm happy for it.
If you visit my web site, http://www.watercure2.org
you will see the wonderful things we are accomplishing because of the pain that I had as a small child, my early life and how the love of my grandmother and my wonderful wife and children made me what I am today. I am now 72. Nothing gives my wife and I more joy than helping people have better lives. Without my traveling the path that I did I never would have the joy that I have today. You will find the same thing too because I'm sure that is something that you will want to do.
One more thing. My dad changed a great deal as he got older and became much more caring and tried to help me in any way that he could. I learned that he did the best that he could for what he knew and that is true for all of us.
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my name is Lindsey 
