I want to write a long post summarizing what has happened since my last fast/last detailed post but have been too busy with school. I have to go in a minute; this is just to note I am now fasting -- yay! I have brought myself into a sufficiently positive place to do this. This is despite self-doubt from my experience at school yesterday which actually was not all that bad.
So I began my fast at 10:46 a.m. today and this is Day 1. I have some phone support that I feel very confident of. One phone person is a Muslim and though their fasting is daytime only this person really is into the spiritual basis for fasting which I am interested in getting into. I wonder also if this culture has a lot of helpful physical knowledge about taking fasts that could be helpful. Anything I learn I will post.
My goal is 12 days. I am thinking positively: yes, I can do it. I have support. I have been in a lot of pain the past few days since I fell into the usual overeating after fasting. I really have to address this, as I mentioned in my earlier post. I realized that besides the cognitive barriers to eating sparingly after a fast (Neurotic fear of thinness, etc) there is also another important barrier. THis is: in spite of the intense suffering it causes ... I really like the overeating. i "like" doing it. Not in the sense of really truly liking it -- how could I? It hurts so badly-- but in some sense. I have to begin with that admission in order to change. And -- I am not UNwilling to abstain from all but the safest best foods -- what I term "Green living " food -- the most "abstinent" foods -- but I REALLY resist and when I am under compulsion there is no stopping me ... I really need to come to think and act differently about all this. I need to say I am finished with living in pain and in the terrror of not being able to meet my responsibilities or engage with people. I need to say that yes, this is a sacrifice I have to make to live right and well in this world -- I cannot, constitutionally, handle any food that isn't green-living -- just as an alcoholic cannot handle alcohol. I have a ton of really painful resistance to these
ideas but am starting by stating them and acknowledging the resistance.
Onward with Day One of my 12-Day Fast! I am going to produce a journal with abstract drawings of this for my art class and begin today. Maybe a drawing a day of how it feels to fast, or how other issues feel in my life. I successfully presented my interest in fasting yesterday in class. I spoke of fasting as a healing positive response to boundary violations within and between people (which I experience constantly) and fasting as a restorer of boundaries -- said I wanted to do art about this... so this is nice integration.
I am also focused on lasting through the detox symptoms that usu. start around hours 40-48. Right now I am painfully bloated from my last meal and so it is really hard. But this will pass and then I will be well for a bit, until the detox symptoms, fatigue etc., but I really need to last through these and then I will feel better and continue the fast into some real healing.
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