Re: Abusive Friend- what do I do?

"Also, the girl could have gotten away, unless she was chained to the bed or something".

Wow, I can see this crowd needs an education.

No, this is not how it happens. Abuse is not being chained to the bed and forced to be beaten, abuse is the chain of the MIND. And truthfully, many women have tried to flee a beating, but we are truly the weaker sex at times. And there is something about the adrenaline of a man who is hitting you...they are very strong indeed!

I hate this suggestion. This is what I got all the time...."why don't you leave him"..... and after "why didn't you just leave him"..."I would never have put up with that"......And from his own Mother "If you had been a better wife, he wouldn't have had to hit you"....

People that have never experienced this don't get abuse. They don't get the mind control. They don't get that hitting is wrong on all levels, as is the demoralization and denigration of a person and their soul. It is wrong to belittle anyone. It is wrong to use your power to hurt them.

That comment is hurtful. It brings back memories of all those people that considered me weak, or lazy...or whatever. I was a victim of 10 years of abuse. I am a smart, educated, capable, successful woman, yet I was as susceptible as many.

There are many places I can point you to so that you can learn not to make statements like that. Please read the following.

Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers. Most enter treatment programs heavily armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions.

All About Control

There are varying theories about what makes batterers use abuse on those closest to them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe men are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars, which are not gender specific.
Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers -- they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.

One batterer who has now gone through treatment, says "the beatings, the verbal abuse and the intimidation were all about control. It was like having a new toy," he said. "I had the buttons and I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful."

The Abuse Cycle

According to the Women's Issues and Social Empowerment (WISE) of Australia, the issues of power and control are essential to an understanding of Domestic Violence. "Domestic Abuse occurs in relationships where conflict is the continuous result of power inequality between the partners and one partner is afraid of, and harmed by the other," they say.

Although it can vary from case to case, and doesn't take into account other forms of domestic abuse, WISE uses the "Cycle of Violence" as a model for understanding violent behavior. A simplified version of the cycle are on this page, but briefly they are:

Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.
Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.
Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.
Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!
Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.
Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!

This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to control, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, economic abuse and social abuse.

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