Re: My story: suspected abuse coming out (long!)

"I have no idea what happened, all I have is my own observations and gut instincts."

First, thanks for sharing your story.  In reading through it I think that the sentence above is the summation of your post and is asking a question: "Is there more?"  The answer is that if there is, you will remember.  But I don't see that as "the" resolution to your anxiety. 

You have a wonderful memory.  Very explicit and it also contains the feelings that you had at the time the events happened.  Let's assume that what you have related is "all" that physically went on between you and your father.  Do you need more?  As you read over what you wrote, do you find that within "normal" (whatever that is) and "acceptable" limits of an opposite sex parent?  That's for you to decide but I think you already have a treasure trove to work with. 

As growing children in a two parent family we have a tendency to accept all parental behavior as normal.  We rationalize in order to survive.  Then when we become an adult we forget to go back and recognize that maybe some things weren't normal.  I believe that's where you are at now and I think it's a wonderful beginning to a healing process that you can initialize.  In fact by your post on this board you have begun a healing journey.

You had a fixation on your father's mouth.  I had a fixation as a small child on my father's waistline.  I remember when I was at an age when my eye level was at about his crotch I had very uncomfortable feelings.  Some of that was because his waistline included a belt which he would rip off and lash with, with very little provocation and I didn't ever know when that would happen.  But there was more to it than that.  I was in terror of his fly area.  I never learned why until I was an adult and memories began to emerge.

You don't have to "go fishing" for what happened to you.  You have some fabulous material to work with right now.  The only question I see remaining is what do you want to do with it?  You are obviously not only sane, but intelligent too.  I'm a guy, but I have read "The Courage to Heal" and have given copies of it to former long-term partners to try and help them deal with similar issues to what I have dealt with.  (Isn't it amazing at how we hook up with partners who have similar backgrounds?)  This book has loads of bad press because one of the authors is a lesbian and many decry their background or lack thereof, while others hate it because in one place and one place only it makes a statement "If you think you've been sexually abused, you have been."  Ignore that sentence and use the rest of the book.  It has many personal stories of healing and can provide you guidance in deciding on a road you wish to travel.

Thanks for having the courage to post.

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