Bless your heart, this is a very difficult situation.
First of all, no, you are not wrong for seeking intimacy with the one you love in any way, shape, or form.
My question is: Was he always like this, or is this withdrawal pattern recent, maybe since he came home from deployment? Has he been to Iraq?
Actually, your situation is not as uncommon as you may think. I have seen this same type of behavior in soldiers that return home from deployment. They are not the same, they are different and withdrawn. I noticed this in my own son-in-law, actually when I went down to Camp Shelby to see him off to Iraq. Even though he had not even been deployed yet, there was something "different." Something "hard," "severe" in his demeanor. His eyes didn't have the same warmth I once new. And to tell you the truth, it scared me to some extent.
I have observed this same facial expression in other soldiers, the same "coldness."
If this withdrawal is something new in your relationship, I would wonder how the service and deployment has affected him. Does he talk about his experiences while he's away?
How to solve it? There is no other way other than communication. You need to sit down and have an honest talk with him about your needs and hopefully he will be open to this and give you feedback. Communication is the key to every relationship.
And you should in no way feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your husband. You married to spend a life together, to do things together. I see you walking on eggshells actually denying a part of your being to please him. In essence you are jumping through hoops to please him. Put the hoops down. Don't negate your personhood and your needs. Doing this will come back and bite you emotionally and physically in the future.
I won't mince words, you are in a very difficult situation but from what I read, your emotional happiness is at stake. And sometimes honest communication with someone who is withdrawn and dealing with their own issues is a very difficult and scary thing, especially when that person doesn't even realize it.
Maybe he would be open to counseling? I do hope so.
I wish you my very best.
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