There are times when . . .

There are times when I've had bodily pain, psychic pain, emotional pain, so excruciating my knees buckled, my head ached, my hands shook. And there are times when I've watched that pain dissipate like vapor.

There are times when I've had to hang on for dear life and remain attached, attached out of fear of losing control, out of fear of changing what I know to be true. I've hung on. And there are times when I've let go like a dandelion poof let out of my hand.

There are times when I've fought with my ego, or my ego has wanted to remain in control, to dictate my every move, to keep telling me the same story--the same version of my story. And there are times when my ego seems to have shrunk, to the size of a pin dot, disappear.

There are times when my story is like a broken record, telling me who I am, what my limitations are, what I can believe. And there are times when my story falls open, like the pages of a book, when it's pages are torn out and blown away by the wind, unloosened, swept away, free to become a new story.

There are times when I am too afraid to see the truth because the truth could mean that what I've been doing all along is untrue; it would mean that I'm not courageous, not brave, or that I must change. And there are times when I'm given the grace to see the truth, the courage to handle the truth, and the strength to continue to maintain the truth in my life.

There are times when the drama, the noise, and the chaos of my life becomes so loud, I can barely hear myself think. I am tuned only to "this" and "not this." I am like a puppet on a string and the string's source is all the attachments in my life--my job, my relationships, my bank account, my body. I can't imagine life without these as my compass. And there are times when things grow still. The moment becomes quiet; I don't move. I am able to stop and find a space to listen, gently, to the wisdom of the universe and what it is telling me.

There are times when I am unable to find my inner wisdom, when I've looked and looked for days, as though searching for a set of misplaced keys. There are times when I can not stop, when despite my head pounding, my heart racing, my exhaustion, I keep going. There are times when I feel so empty, scared, alone, full of fear, of doubt, of anger, that I can't remember the last time things were okay.

And there are times when my wisdom, strength, beauty, and wholeness is at the tips of my fingers, part of a radiant aura enfolding me.



-- Bella.

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