i really appreciate your message. I am really relieved someone was open to what i just needed to express. I think I really know where you are coming from. I would really like to be in touch. I support you 100% in your fast. I am starting a 3-day fast on Tuesday night. Until then, I am living in the pain of being very compulsed to eat when it is not OK with my body -- let alone OK with me... and suffering such GI pain as the result... I cannot seem to connect the uncontrolled eating with the pain and stop the uncontrolled eating... only of, primarily, tomatoes, but still this hurts so badly, and does cause anxiety/hyperventilation, and does force me into such pain that I have to use enemas for relief, ... really I am just upset right now because of a new lack of control... like I never don't want to eat... I am in a new city and panicking all the time, it seems.
Even stating the problem is really vulnerable and hard for me and I am having a hard time even having a clear thought about what the problem is exactly... probably because of having been verbally abused in the past: when I tried to say that I was eating more than was Ok with me, people would scream at me for being upset about what I wanted to term my overeating. I was not allowed to say what was Ok and not Ok with me. So whe i try to state the problem and work at it -- which is the key to getting better -- sharing this way -- I almost can't even think, for anxiety.
I do feel better having put in the time and effort and learned actually how to fast at some length -- several days. THis is empowering and it is what I need. I do think that it is a real effort though, a full time job almost but I can't devote myself to it, quite, becuase, one, people scream at me for prioritizing myself this way, and judge me for not making other achievements; and two, i am horribly, so painfully dependent on food as a drug that provides (drastically toxic) "nurturance" that it is jsut so hard to confront the problem at all, and with all this thinking in society about how sick and bad I am, I can refute it but there it is again in my head the next morning... I think to get better I need to jsut choose to stop looking at and participating in the main stream and find a strong supporting world for myself , a world that accepts me
I do hope to hear from you. please feel free to write here or email me.
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