when I was 17

ummm, Im not sure where to start, I havent had the greatest life, my mom died when I was 15, I lived on my own for a month or two, supposedly living with my dad, but he was never there. after that my best friends family took me in, they are my new family, they treat me like I was their own.

Then a few weeks after I turned 17 and I was doing the running start at a community college, I got out of my evening class and was walking to my car when a guy grabbed me and put me in his truck. he took me to some woods several miles from the campus and tied me up. he abused me and raped me for the whole night, using a knife to threaten me and cut me. by the time the morning came around I was asking him to kill me. he left when the sun came up, and the police came that evening. they had been looking for me all night and day.

I was taken to a hospital, treated for cuts and 4 minor stab wounds. they said if he had used a bigger knife I would have died. I was released I think 1 or 2 weeks later, Im not sure.

A few weeks after that I attempted to end my life, I now have scars on my wrists and wear sweatbands everyday to try and cover those scars up.

Not long after that I found out I was pregnant from my rape. I had to get an abortion, my best friend and best friends mom came with for support.

I went through a phase right after my mom died where I was sleeping with guys I barely knew. when I was just 16 I had slept with a guy who was between 43-45. I am ashamed to admit I did this but Im out of ideas. I feel like there isnt much in my life to live for. I have 8 scars from where my rapist cut me. 4 on my lower back and 4 near my vagina. this is very embarassing but Im out of ideas. I cant afford a therapist and too embarassed to go to a help clinic.

I just need to know is there anything I can do? its hard for me to meet new people and form a relationship. everytime I try to have sexual relations the guy sees the scars down there and asks what happened but Im afraid to say.

I miss my Mom, I wish I was half the woman she was. she was killed by a drunk driver coming to pick me up from a friends house. I wonder now if she would be proud or ashamed of me. I hope I can someday be as good of a mom as her, although the scar tissue and stab wounds might prevent me from having kids of my own.

So please, is there anything I can do? I think about these things everyday and I just want to have a normal life again. thanks for your responses if I get any. sorry for the long story but I have to say this, it needs to come out. Im 20, its been 3 years since I was raped but it feels like it happened yesterday.

RIP mom. RIP dad. I miss you both.

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