(I have left it to others to offer you the specifics of counselling, etc)
Bless your heart. (as my mother would say) because clearly you know in your depth that the suffering you have expeienced is not the whole of you, nor even the *realest* by any stretch part of you.
And that is not to say that there is anyplace in yourself or your experience that ought to be 'cut off' or put into a box, and kept out of reach. You know that, or you wouldn't be at this point of asking for help.
I was just thinking about someone who had a forum on CZ and is a person of wisdom and deep compassion. I am sure he could speak to you in a way that would touch and heal your heart, and your wounded 'spark'. I do know something of what you have experienced, and I can honestly tell you that the torment of suffering CAN end. Along with healing of the pain and loss...
(and there is lots you can do--as others will suggest)
Maybe (as well) you can go read in Ask Andreas some of his R'd posts, and get a feel for his insight. The reason is, I think just 'hearing him' and others' concerns -that dialogue- will bring you a feeling of renewed inspiration to go on--a strong sense of not being alone, and a knowledge that you are really a Divine being who is most probably doing some very deep work in this life. I cannot articulate this well. Your gifts (and the transforamtion of pain to light) have yet to flower, but when they do, you will be a big blessing to others.
I am sure of it.
sending you love,
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