Re: my difficult child. Please offer some insight

Thank you for your answer.

I have to say that I did try to introduce spanking several times, starting at around age 2, but I was never able to stick with it. I never spanked consistently.
I think it's because of my harsh education,( my father was easily angered and he used to yell and spank in anger), but I cannot bring myself to spank without feeling guilty, I always end up apologizing for it. I also get the impression it creates resentment in my daughter.
I even tried the "holding technique" with awful outcomes.
I think at this moment resorting to spanking would make things worse. She would start hurting me too, and I wouldn't know how to stop it, I'd feel stuck. That is why I try to stick with loving discipline.

Although as far as I remember she has always been very strong tempered, I am sure that my lack of consistency made the matter worse. I am kind of insecure deep inside. I have changed so much since she is born, and I think i changed for the better, however I feel so strongly that I am "learning" from life that maybe I do not actually dare to teach yet, I cannot play the parent the way I am supposed to.

She says me she does her best, and I know that she tries so hard to comply against her own will, she has to do that all day long at preschool.

About setting the example for good behavior, and pointing out other people's rudeness, I think that this happens already, and it works. She gets so many negative reinforcements for her constantly bad manners, that she is always happy to be given a chance to be proud of herself. The matter is that most of the times she is really not aware that she is being rude to others. If I try to explain how to interact with others, she'll tune me out, she probably finds it boring, or maybe she does not understand.

In the past 6 months she slowly developed the habit of sayng sorry and apologize when she understands that she crossed the line with her actions or words. It seems to me that there is a slow but steady progress, still not enough to meet the standards of her age though.

What baffles me is that she seems to trust her judgment only,she does not care about what adults think about her. I.e., she constantly picks her nose in public, no matter what we do, no matter how many strangers tell her it's unpolite, she does not listen, other people's disapproval doesn't affect her.

While on the other hand, I am quite the opposite. That's why I cannot stand other people's judgments about my poorly effective parenting. It always seems I am the one to blame for her being this way. I wish these people could stand in my shoes.

Sometimes I think she has a real issue. She seems to lack the ability to empathize and to use non-verbal skills to express her feelings. A bit like autistic people do, even if she is not autistic. She seems emotionally deaf or so.

Deep inside I know her for who she is and she is so sweet, I would like to be able to bring out her kindness and to share herself with others like other kids are eager to do.

Thanks for listening. I feel a bit helpless now...I really cry at the drop of a hat.

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