It's been a long time

I haven't posted to this forum in months. I don't recognize any of the names I saw on here.. but that's not my reason for the post.

I have been doing a LOT of thinking (in general, but) lately about real life options that I have. I've posted in the past that I've had what I believe to be a fecal body odor (I can't smell it) for most/all of my life. People have told me I smell like sh*t, death, rank, garbage, sewage, "gamey", and so on and so forth. I have heard these things for so long now that I believe I've developed some type of immunity to them and I also EXPECT to hear these things when I'm out... I am surprised if I make it home without hearing it. I realize it's not my fault I smell this way so I cant let these comments bother me LIKE THAT, but... there is something that DOES bother me. That is the fact that there will more than likely never be a real love in my life because of this. It is impossible to "get to know someone" while smelling like sh*t. And this has brought me to the place that I currently am in life.

I am a 27yr old female who has never had a valentines love, a Christmas love, a summer love, a winter love, a new years kiss, or an anniversary. I didn't come to this site to give a sob story though. Material things, although nice, are not what is important in life. I kind of have that hippie mentality that you should share a bond with the earth and love makes the world go 'round. I don't even want to get deep into the love subject but basically I believe that without love there is no purpose, and with no purpose there is no reason to be.

Today is Oct 1st, well 2nd because it's after midnight, and I believe this will be my last October. I am hurrying to write a collection of short stories and poems so that people don't get left with the "wonder" and "why" syndrome that seems to stem from these type of situations. And everyday this month I plan on going out and connecting with the earth and people who mean something to me. If something monumental has not happened in my life by then then Oct 31 will probably be my last day here. I have a lot of things to do. Over these next 30 days I have to plan out everything that is to happen after my death (who gets what, make sure other affairs are in order, make sure my family knows what to do with my body), but I won't be concerned with those things until about the 20th or so.

I have tried too much, I have spent too much money. I have gone to the doctor about this.. they were acting retarded. I just wanted to let you guys know it should be a beautiful 30 days and I will try to keep you posted. I plan on doing many spiritually enlightening and meditative things. I don't want my mind to be clouded with the hate people give out when I do this. I will need for my mind to be clear.

But whew, I have a LOT of writing to do. I don't even know what words to use to make "regular" people understand.

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