what the hell happened to me? or Circumcision is Evil

I have been reading the posts on the negative consequences of infant circumcision, specifically the psychological damage that may be done. I can't speak for others but I can tell my story.

I was circumcised shortly after I was born but I did not go home. I had an infection that kept me in the hospital for a week. I know this for a fact but my mother wont tell me any more. In fact she won't speak to me about circumcision at all.

I know that when my brother was born a year later it was a natural birth and he was circumcised by tying the foreskin with a small rope. After this is done the fore skin falls off a few days latter. He did not even cry I was told.

It is hard to say what goes on in a child when they are that young because no one remembers. Well, that is not exactly true. I and a few other people I have known have memories as far back as 12 to 14 months of age. I have these memories and I have amazed relatives when I have told them about the things I saw happen back then.
My circumcision scar left very little sensitivity on my penis. There is a little skin at the base that has a little sensitivity but the rest, even the glans is numb to anything but pain and pressure. I remember the way my genitals felt when I was around a year old. I remember masturbating at that age. I felt pressure in my prostate area and I would rock back and forth on a pillow or something until I felt tension and then a release. It was not pleasant, more like a biological necessity and I did not feel good about it afterward. This frustration was fairly constant.

There is a question of how a baby feels pain. Some people believe a new born does not feel any pain. Anyone who has heard a new born scream when cut by the circumcision knife knows that is ridiculous. Some say a new born does not remember pain and I question this. I can tell you what I remember from that time. My father was an alcoholic. When I was a year old he burned me with a hot clothes iron. The pain a baby feels can not be compared to an adult. The pain builds until it over whelms the nervous system. It does not end there. The baby is in a state where it can not believe it is alive because the pain is so intense. This lasts for a long time before the baby passes out or or the pain subsides. Maybe 6 months or a year latter my father picked me up, took me outside in the dead of winter and put my bare legs in the snow. It was as painful as the burning and again my mind could not believe I was still alive and in so much pain. That kind of pain is devastating to the development of social bonds, obviously. It can provoke a psychotic disposition. So why would the agony of circumcision not have an affect? Adults are in pain from this procedure for weeks. So how long is an infant in pain? And how is it affecting the development of social bonds? My mother was there both times my father hurt me and she could not console or reform the bonds broken by my father. Instead there was a psychological scar.

I continued to masturbate, not for pleasure but necessity. I felt a lot pressure. I would try to relieve it by humping a pillow or something. I know circumcised boys masturbate more. I think that not having the fore skin or having it damaged in some way causes unnatural pressure or discomfort. I figured out something happened down there before I knew what circumcision was because something did not feel right there.

I was 11 when noticed the skin at the top of my penis looked and felt different than the skin at the bottom. Specifically I noticed the skin at the top did not feel good, it felt a little bad. I looked at a scar on my arm and noticed the tissue looked the same. I asked my mom and that is when she told me I was circumcised. I said what is that? She said my penis was cut because boys needed it done. I felt bad. I did not understand how someone could cut or hurt my penis. The nerves remembered that something was painfully cut. It was an event I did not remember but from the way my penis felt it was obvious something happened. It was almost like it hurt like a phantom pain, but I could forget about it and I tried to forget it. I did not know what a fore skin was so I did forget about it, for the most part.

I did not form many friendships and got into many fights.

When I was hurt a rage would come over me.

A kid forced me to fight him after school when I was 14 and I beat him unconscious with my fists.

The majority of my dreams entailed me being chased with a weapon and many times ended with me attempting to kill my pursuer in the dream. These type of dreams persisted until my late teens.

I was not interested in sports until I watched football up close and then the violence interested me. Later I quit to wrestle because it was more intense. I begged my parents to let me box but they refused.

I had some, tiny success with girls in high school building sexul tension and a connection but I could not find a way to release or orgasm.

I was not and am not a sociopath. I was antisocial. I did not like people touching me unless it was during a sport activity. My brother an I were in a sledding accident. We went down a steep hill together only at the bottom we ran into a tree. I threw him off but I had to hit the tree myself. I was lucky I was not killed. I only suffered a neck and shoulder injury. I stood up for friends many times and was beaten up for it.

I have taken medicine for depression since I was twenty.

The only orgasms I have experienced were few. Once I was having sex and I felt pressure on my prostate and I orgasmed. While there was pleasure, in a way, it is just not something I would try to do. I have felt sexua| excitement and it can make me climax but I have no functionality on the outside of my penis. When a woman strokes my penis it is great until she gets to the upper half where the scar tissue is. Then the excitement encounters the totally numb tissue and a psychotic feeling settles on me. The tissue remembers the damage, it remembers the trauma. If I could have sex and avoid that area that would be a solution but that area is too vital.

Did I have a botched circumcision? Probably. Does the tissue remember the trauma? Definitely. Are there psychological scars? What do you think? It is hard to say what is damaged in a child circumcising him days after birth but the agony at the time will inhibit any bonds needed to be made. Just as the physical scar is there, the psychological scar has to be there as well. Needless to say, not being able to sexually function with ones partner is a detriment to the relationship.

I remember pain as an infant and it is a hundred times more intense than what an adult feels. There is no way to compare it really. I went into severe shock from being burned with an iron when I was about one year old. The thought that went through my head was this pain is so bad I am going to die from it. All mammals have a natural fear of death even infants. And this was done to me repeatedly. As an adult I was burned by molten metal on a job. It hurt like hell but I just put on a bandage and went back to work.

Circumcision severely impaired my sexua| function. I can feel the scar tissue and in my case I know something was hurt. The nerves still hold the memory of the damage. I suspect I was psychologically scared by the circumcision and because the remnants of pain were left behind I carry it to this very day.

Circumcision is genital mutilation. Even when done with anesthesia and correct medical procedure the male is still losing most of his erogenous nerves and an important part of his penis, the glide function and the protection of the glans.

Some 'Men' who want it done might be happy with what they have left, if it still works. I have heard Jews, Muslims and others say it was just fine. That is their choice and I guess the glass is half full or what ever and I am happy for them. Then again, there are sick people out their who just enjoy hurting themselves and their views should never be forced onto anyone else.

If you torture a baby this way there is no way to describe how sadistic and sick you are. If your child finds that his penis is not working the way he would like it to, you have robbed him and scared him for life and to knowingly do that is sadistic and sick as well.

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