Family Opposition Rather Than Support

Hey all,

(this is a kind of rant after me feeling abandoned and hopeless in my real life)

I was just wondering if AF had driven anyone's family to not believe them and even be in opposition to their trying to recover from AF through various means (my mum being the only exception).

One of my prominent family members says that I have "Münchausen syndrome" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%BCnchausen_syndrome), which a family friend suggested to him. A psychiatrist then said that I was seriously psychiatrically challenged after stories of me having supplements delivered on a very regular basis.

Following 2 seizure-type attacks (with hindsight, possibly the first ever panic attacks I've ever had) and noticing a change in the feel of my testicles, some scans also revealed nothing, even though I was convinced that my hormonal state could be precipitating something.

Many people are saying that now my AF is fabricated. I can partially understand how people might be questioning me, but the fact is, I did not just go to bed one night and decide to fake not being able to sleep for weeks (dragging myself into the office for the first week before taking a leave of absence). Of course, that preceded my realisation of the constant dehydration, catabolic wasting and zombification/uselessness - before I even discovered AF as a syndrome.

Of course, nobody cares that I've lost my mojo and I'm steadily turning into a raisin.

Even the catabolism has its irony - I see new lines appearing allover my palms every day and yet it's still subtle enough for people not to notice so obviously in other areas like face, neck, arms etc. I used to run the razor up my neck and the skin was perfectly taught, whereas now the skin kind of gets dragged by the razor - that's a lot of collagen eaten away.

I'm now starting to have violent feelings towards myself because this world seems so inhospitable and unsurvivable that I cannot envisage any way to not be a burden or hurt others/myself or not be subject to insensitive speculation/criticism over my mental health. Many people now have this attitude that I'm wasting my life trying to recover from a fake illness, whereby I'm neither being sociable or pulling my weight.

So people will say that instead of making a nice, productive life for myself, I concentrated on recovering from an imaginary illness.

I never knew how having a medically unrecognised condition like AF could twist almost every facet of my life into something unbearably catch-22 and inescapable/insufferable.

I desperately want to be positive for a life remaining, although I keep asking myself if this nightmare is really real and whether I can endure its multifaceted torture methods.

I seek relief and homeostasis, yet those around me seem to wish to rob me of that endeavour by denying the entire reliability of my own cries for support and help - or just recognition.

Most people are saying that medical opinion overrides my own statements about not feeling right/well, which not only puts me in that "you're on your own" category, but also in the "you're on your own and you're a crackpot" category. Eventually, if enough people confound you as insane, you become driven insane anyway.

It's almost gotten to the point now that I'm even wondering who I am anymore in the context of everyone disbelieving me. Am I me, or have I morphed into a non-me now? Did this happen before or after serious onset of AF?

If I'm no longer me (in the sense of recognising the "me" story), would it even be a challenge for me to end this conscious life, knowing that it's barely even me anymore anyway (reinforced by how people are questioning my sanity and the whole essence of me suffering)?

I suppose one outlet is the state of meditative no-thought, but one has to return from that void and face things refreshed/unrefreshed again.

Does anyone have kind insights/wisdom for my lost soul?

Sees you,
BBQ

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