Watchful...

Thank you, very much, Blue Rose.  This has been a true "eye-opener," as They say...whomever "They" are.

Four people in Real Life are aware of what's transpired, and they are not involved in my everyday life.  My son has no idea, and I don't intend to inform him unless I take action.

At this time, my fury, hatred, and meanness have simmered down into this soup of hyper-watchfulness.  I'm watching my spouse to see if he truly intends to make changes for himself.  And, I'm taking it one moment at a time - I'm not looking towards the future, but focusing on the here-and-now.  I am still setting an exit strategy in place, though I need to talk to an attorney at some point, soon. 

Where my own behavior is concerned, I have noticed that I'm fighting the desire to settle into denial:  to actively believe that my spouse will continue his therapy and that our "relationship" will heal.  I really have to work on this because statistics with regard to successful outcomes from porn addiction aren't very promising.  And, the type of porn that he was interested in is of the worst kind.  This is his addiction, not mine, and I refuse to accept any part of it as acceptable or something to be "understood."  It takes a long, long time to manage any addiction, but pornography presents its own, unique complications, especially for men. 

This is going to be a long, nasty process whichever way it goes. 

Thanks, again, for your encouragement - I am living in a space where genuine friendship and support is more valuable than Life, itself, and I truly appreciate your help.

Brightest blessings.

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